he's mine.
she's no longer in the picture.
anywhere in the picture.
and he's my boy.
i love him. god. i love him.
the fight was well worth it.

jeremy&cortney.
february ninth two thousand seven.

going back blonde on march 3rd. =).
i can never stay one hair color for a long
period of time.
ha.

[that's the way it's supposed to be]

he's come back into my life.
for a week or so.
in less than 5 days i'll be kissing him again.
i think.
i don't know.
i'm terrified.<3

i don't wanna know it's over.
so save your good-bye kiss.
i don't wanna know it's over.
cause ignorance is bliss.
now i know i can't stay sober.
cause you left me here like this.<3

i changed my profile picture.
it's back when i had dark hair.
i liked it that way.

when you think tim mcgraw.
i hope you think my favorite song.
the one we danced to all night long.
when you think happiness
think of my head on your chest.
and my old faded blue jeans.

it's funny how people just.
show up in your life again.


or.

step forward in your life.
either way.



both have happened to me
within the past two weeks.


and i don't know what to think about it.
i guess we'll see.





i'm back for the first time since then.
i'm standing on your street.
and there's a letter left on your doorstep.
and the first thing that you'll read.

when you think happiness.
think of my head on your chest.
i hope it takes you back to that place.




i miss him.


but at the same time.



i think i love him.
i don't know.

confused.<3

my boy that i used to love.
i just want to be with you right now.
i can't explain why. it just. came over me.
i just want to be near you tonight.
i miss being us. i miss how happy i used to be.
i miss that smile you could bring to my face.
and the light in your eyes.
i wish we could give it one last try.
but. it's a wish that will never come true,
i still love you. i always will.


and tonight i miss you horribly.
</3

you know what i want more than anything?
i want a boy to sing me. "my kind of rain" by tim mcgraw.
while it's raining outside.
and we are walking together.
holding hands.
and i want him to tell me i'm beautiful.
even if its a complete lie.



</3

once again. my world has been turned upside down.
by a boy.
i didn't sleep good last night.
and i have to work tonight.
so that'll be. not so good.
i don't know what to feel
or think. and i don't know
why i am going through this
again. i knew this was going to
happen. i knew it.

i just. i wanted things to
be different.

there's still a chance.
but i can't decide whether
it hurts more to hold on
or let go.

he's my bestfriend.
i can't just stop talking
to him.


i don't know.
it hurts.
and she won.
again.</3

hm. so. as of july twenty-fifth two thousand and six.
jeremy and i are together.
and i couldn't be happier.
he makes me smile.

i'm tellin ya to loosen up my buttons babe.
but you keep frontin
sayin what you gonna do to me.
but i ain't see nothin.


so. i had a civil conversation with justin last night.
it made me really happy.
just to know that we are taking steps towards being okay again.
that we can be friends.





then my other boy called.
and he's having problems with his girl.
it kills me to see him go through this time after time.
he doesn't deserve to be hurt like that.




sigh. work this morning.
but i got my first pay check. 162 dollars.
plus 100 in tips.
i think i can deal.



florida on july 11-13.
excited? slightly.

<3

so. i work at famous dave's on sam ridley.
i love it. oh gosh. it's so much fun.

annnd i spend so much time there....

schedule.
tuesday-3:45 to close.[which is at 10.]
friday-10 am-11 pm.
sat-3ish to close.
sunday-10 am - 10 pm.


eeeek. next week is opening week.
come and see us!
food=amazing.
people=famous.


:-D


love.<3

and it's. two barefeet on the dashboard.
young love in an old ford.
cheap shades and a tattoo and a yoohoo bottle.
rolling on the floor board.
her favorite song on the radio.
sing along cause it's one we know.
it's a smile. it's a kiss. it's a sip of wine.
it's summertime.<3

[kennychesney]

i went and got my senior pictures taken yesterday.
annnd my mom took some pictures while they were taking them.
so. yess. it was exciting. i loved it.

<3333eek.

i'm done trying with everything.
anything, and everything that i seem to want.
i can't come close to having.
and i'm so sick of my heart being ripped out.
thrown on the ground, and being torn to pieces.

i just. i don't know what to do about anything anymore.
j thought about me&&justin so much last night.
then jeremy called. and he made me smile.
i love that he can do that for me.<3

so boys are stupid. beyond reason.
why must they be so immature?
it's like talking to a four year old i swear.
but it's okay. he can go and have his fun.
because he lost me five months ago.
and there is no way in hell i am going back.
[not that he'd ever want me back. at least not
right now.]
but one day he'll realize what he lost.
and he'll also realize that i am not stupid enough
to wait around for someone like that.





on the other hand.
i can't wait to talk to my other
boy tonight.
hm. :].
he makes me smile.<3

hm. so.
me && that boy.
oh god.
why do i dig myself into these holes?
i do believe they are unavoidable now.
heh. but i do like him.
i shouldn't. but i do.
he calls me just to say hey.
and to tell me goodnight.
that kills me. i love it so much.
it just makes me feel like at least someone cares.

hm. he makes me smile.
we'll see what happens.


oh && i've decided.
that mine & justin's memories
aren't going to control me anymore.

we are over.
and when he realizes what he's lost.
it'll be his fault. and not mine.
and i won't wait around for him.
and i won't go running back.
no. i just won't. no matter what.

i like a boy i'll never get for several reasons.
the main one being, he's taken.
but. we talk every night and. he makes me smile.
because he calls just to say hello.
and he puts up with my moods. and we
can talk about anything. he's becoming my best
guy friend. and. i just.

arg.

<3

'cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
and live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
the girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
we'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
and we'll hang out in the coolest bars
in the VIP with the movie stars
every good gold digger's gonna wind up there
every playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair
and well..hey hey i wanna be a rockstar


nickelback(rockstar).



love that song.
so. blonde hair fits me better.
hm.
blondes have more fun.
yessir.<3

when everything's made to be broken.
i just want you to know who i am.;;

mmm. i need a boy.
just someone to take my mind
off of everything.

because boys stress me out.
[boys named justin. in particular].
but whatever.
i'm not supposed to care.
ha. to bad i do right?

hell.<3

it's a beautiful day outside.
and i am in the best mood in the entire world.
hopefully i'll be able to find some stuff to get into tonight.

single&&absolutly loving it.<3

so. i'm just gonna rant and get out some random thoughts here.
i'm not looking for an arguement. these are simply my views. my thoughts. my fears. you know. that sort of thing.

i'm supposed to be studying for a history test but instead the topic of religion rests heavily on my mind.  i went to church tonight. and some of the things they said really made sense. but. church terrifies me. because i know what i've done. some i am not proud of. but. i don't regret it? is that even humanly possible? i don't regret it because to me it is part of growing up. and if given the chance to rewind and do it all over. i wouldn't change anything. i feel as though that makes me a bad person. and the fact that i feel as though i cannot live up to the "Christian" life style just. haunts me.  because. do i call myself a Christian? i believe in God, yes. but. i cuss. occasionally. sometimes more than occasionally. and. a friend was talking about religion and so forth one day at lunch and he asked the question if religious people and "church" people are supposed to be so godly etc. then why are people like cortney, that claim to be godly and whatnot, so mean and hateful.  now. i must admit that i am like that. but. its the persona that everyone has given me and i feel like. i can live up to that. like. they don't set high expectations for me so i don't have much to reach for. at the same time. i feel like there is this whole other person living somewhere deep inside of me that is just screaming to be let go.  and. i guess i just don't see myself as everyone else sees me because i can always find something wrong with me. and. considering my past experience with boys. i just. i have to wonder what is so wrong with me? why am i not dateable? which brings me back full circle to my religion question. if i get things "straight" with God and trust him and what not. then will everything fall into place? and what if it doesn't? i hate being alone. i'm quite terrified of it to be honest. so. what if i become this good person and whatever and i am still alone. i have this fear of just. being alone. i like having someone there and i like knowing that someone thinks highly of me and wants to be with me. but. it seems as though everytime i find someone that thinks this, or feels this way. i either, don't feel the same back, or i do feel the same back and they turn around and screw me over and mess with my head and get me to fall for them and i end up hurt in the long run.  i'm scared of getting close to anyone. which is partly why i have to put on this whole. "act". because i don't want anyone to get close to me. i'm to scared of getting hurt. and i feel like. if i am honest with everyone that just. makes me vunerable. and i can't take that. i'm not emotionally stable enough to be torn down like that again. i am still recovering from my broken heart.  and i'm just. scared i'll never find anyone like him again. i love him. i know i do. i always will. so. how is it fair to anyone else for me to be with them while i am in love with justin? how is this fair to me? that he can control me like this without knowing it and. i don't cross his mind once.  i have also discovered i have a severe problem with. loving myself. because i do not believe that i am good enough. and when i do something. i have to be the best. or else. i feel like a failure. a complete failure. i don't freaking know anymore. oh god. i just. i want someone to explain some of these things to me.

anyways. i'm completely done now.
if you want to respond. go ahead.
but. that's that.


sorry if i sounded arrogant. or anything.
sorry if you disagree.
but. i cannot apologize for how i feel.


thanks for listening.<3