so ive been out of the us for 2 weeks, and i have to admit, i havent really done a great job of embracing my time here.  its been difficult.  at times i feel as though the world has fallen and landed on my shoulders.  at other times i feel as though there is no where else i would rather be. 

i remember flying into mexico city thinking, ohmygosh, i cant believe im here.  this is it.  i have to use spanish as soon as i step off this airplane.  goodness was it hard.  for the first week and two days i felt like the biggest fool ever created.  see, when it comes to learning a foreign language you can know everything but still lack something.  what is it you lack, you might be asking.  everything.  the ability to talk.  the ability to hear the language.  i spent the first week and a half trying figuring out just how long 6 weeks is.  i began counting down days so quickly.  i was so discouraged.  not only did i feel like an idiot, i also got sick about a week into my trip.  apparently i had too much chili (jalapeños).  fever.  head aches.  cramping stomach.  not fun at all.  for days all i wanted to do was cry.  what do you do when you feel like that.  call your mother of course.  so i called my mother and cried. 

on thursday of last week i went and stayed with another couple for the weekend.  we walked and shopped some.  went to an amusement park and rode roller coasters.  talked about god and ministry.  visited neighbors.  we basked in true community.  its been a long time since i have experienced true community like this.  neighbors call on neighbors to visit with new babies.  eat snacks.  play games.  have bible studies.  its beautiful.  however i was still discouraged.  my spanish will never get better.  my heart is being walked all over.  im hurting.  im sad.  im homesick.  im physically sick.  i have no friends here.  these were my discouragements.

saturday night i returned with my family.  it was like someone changed the burned out light bulb in the lamp.  all of a sudden i could hear.  i could communicate.  i could translate quickly.  i had more confidence in myself.   i could have conversations.  i have no idea what happened, but all i can say is gracias a dios.  (we say that when we leave the table:  thanks to God). 

god is doing so much in my heart.  ive learned in life that gods movements are processes.  he doesnt usually choose to push a button and let things happen.  god is an orchestrator.  a composer.  a writer.  a builder.  hes not a magician.  he could be if he wanted to be, but for our sake and his glory, he doesnt just snap his fingers.  god is teaching me to let go.  LET GO.  he is writing a story about a young girl who needed to have her hands pryed off of everything she ever wanted and put into contact with what her father wants for her.  he is writing an amazing climax about a young girl who needed to fall head over heels in love with her maker.  of course there are conflicts.  there always are conflicts.  hurts, pains, sadness, lack of desire, etc.  but, you see, he has already written the ending as well.  only the author knows when his main character changes for the good.  only the author knows when the young girl will truly let go and love with everything simply because she allows herself to. 

i was walking through the grocery store today overcome with frustration.  i only have 4 weeks left here, and i do not want to return to the states as the same girl.  i need to hurry up and grow!  i dont want to have the same worldy desires.  i want to be overcome with love for my maker and discontentment with what anyone else offers me.  and i was reminded, as i was trying to exchange the money from pesos to dollars in my mind, that i cant get frustrated.  god has already drawn out the plans for this process in my life, just as he did when he freed me from doubting my salvation (i doubted my salvation for 10 years.)   this could only take the next 4 weeks.  it could take another 10 years.  it could take 3 months for all i know.  but i have to admit, i find joy in the process.

look back at the past year of your own life.  youre not the same person are you.  neither am i.  what a beatiful, intentional god we serve.  what a beautiful novel he has written.  ill let you know how the process pans out.