tomorrow is graduation.

this could be my last chance so speak up, to let him know how i feel.

but then again you can never tell just what's going to happen.

too late?

i dont think it's ever too late.

just as long as you speak up.

will God give me the strentgh?

i guess we'll find out tomorrow...

yeah, so this year went by so incredibly fast.

i figured that i better start wrapping things up into my yearly end of year blog, but this years would have been so long i figured i'd just put it into a few blogs.

yeah. so i've learned so much this year.

and number one that sticks out is never allow anyone to become your everything because they might not be here the next day, and then what do you have?

the answer is nothing.

and that's exactly what i felt inside.

just....don't. life is too short to sit around and mope so get your sorry asses up and have some fun.

number two...friends really do become family. i dont think this year would have been half as great without my friends.

three....you really can get abs by laughing.

the cause? usually too much spare time spent with a few good friends and large amounts of caffiene.

--------------

how do you deal when you care about someone who doesn't care about you back?

i mean, i like him, but obviously he doesn't return those feelings.

i dont even know if he knows.

how do you tell someone you never get to see anymore that you care for them?

he's graduating this year.

time is running out.

for what?

i dont even know.

i expect too much out of life...

mmmm......bagels.

na ni na fa la...

BALLOON!

...

i have decided to go back to being the person i was in 7th grade.

i liked her better than the idiot i was these past two years.

sorry you guys.

...

JAZZ FEST THIS WEEKEND!!

you better be there...or else!

it's going to be fun!

ohs plays at 7:40....???? i think  ????

...

percussion and jazz band concert in the ohs auditorium thursday at 7 pm.

please go.

it's free!

...

so...things are going pretty great.

the band trip was simply amazing but i'm still recovering from a lack of sleep these past few months.

i have decided that guys are pretty ok after all.

but why does God make them so dern confusing?

but i do like the way they smile, the way they smell (well, some of them), the way they laugh, the way they fidget when they get nervous, the way they look all scared right before you chop their heads off with a huge machete.

(just kidding about that last one)

so there's this one kid.

yeah, he's pretty special...

i've known him for a long time but only recently have i been talking to him.

found out he even liked me during middle school when i liked him too...we were just too shy to admit it.

and then he said "it's not too late".

(awww)

so we are hanging out later this week.

...

somebody call me or something!

spring break is boring!

so the band trip rocked harder than anything!!!

i'll put pics up later, but my camera conked out halfway throught the trip so i didn't get many pics.

and i've been talking to a guy i liked pretty much all through middle school and i just found out that he like me too, we were just to shy to admit it to each other during middle school.

wow.

talk about an akward conversation.

anyway, i'm really sleepy and i'm super glad that everyone had awesome yet safe time in nyc.

(it's crazy there!)

and it really is true that you can stand on one street corner and see like....two, three starbucks.

screw disney world, new york is the happiest place in the world!

EDIT....here's some pics from the trip.

and yes. i spilt coffee all in ari's shoes.

yeah, so i just got back from the yaws thing at oakland. the skits were cheesy but they were fun. i guess...

i really wanna do drama next year. and art. and photography. and....well, there's just not enough time in high school to do everything i want to.

but anyway, things are going pretty great lately. i don't even miss him at all anymore. lately i have noticed what nincompoops guys are and who really needs them anyway, but apparently we do because i've got my eye on a couple and if you haven't noticed who yet then you are just either really stupid or don't spend much time around me.

you know, only lately have i stepped back and enjoyed high school. the first half was fun, don't get me wrong, just not like it is now.

i always took time out to do stuff with him, but he would always back out at the last minute saying he had to go to his mom's and other various bullshit.

i'm just glad i didn't waste more time than i did.

never again will i be so blind as to allow a guy to blow me off and waste my time.

i won't take anymore bullshit.

but despite everything, i look around and i really truly realize that i've never been happier...

anybody who drums or plays bass interested in starting a band?

you can only wish you were this cool

I don't think i'm going to do Lent this year.

I don't think its a really big statement to just give up something for one measly little month and then go back to the horrible people we were before.

the point to this is to make us remember the sacrifice God made for us right?

well, i think that's something that should  be remembered and honoured all year long and not just for one pathetic month of the year.

when i look around at the people who do participate in Lent, they don't say anything about Jesus or anything. They just whine and complain that they can't eat their candy bar or whatever it was that they gave up.

i'm trying to be a better person and i'm trying to not be cynical all the time.

i must say, these past 2 weeks have been happier than most.

I'm going to stop doing what my church asks me to do and i'm going to do what God asks me to do.

And isn't it that He wants us to love other people regaurdless of race, gender, social status, sexual preference, and any other pathetic reason to hate other people?

I dunno...there's just a lot of politics and hipocrasy in churches lately.

and i just can't see such a loving, gracious God asking for something so stupid.

I think what He really wants (and what we really need to do) is for us to love other people.

i'm sorry if i offended anyone.

I''m just putting my thoughts out into the open and i don't think we are being the people we should be...

so.....an update.

i still hurt like woah, but i think in the long run things really will be ok.

i always see girls hanging all over guys....in the courtyard, at the movies, at the mall....everywhere.

i pity them.

dont they realize that to guys we are just coats.

we can be discarded at anytime due to others once the newness wears off.

guys think we are just here to make them look and feel good.

i'm so tired of being thrown away like an old rag when i'm of no further use.

i don't want to be just some guys old sweatshirt.

i also want to be his friend.

i want to be someone he can trust.

someone who he can talk to when he needs to talk.

i want to be some one he can tell anything to.

i dont just want to wrapped around his shoulders and discarded once he's found another one to take my place.

i guess what i'm getting at is that i'm really tired of having to pull myself together.

i'm sick of picking up all the little pieces of my heart.

this time i'm just going to let them lay there.

i'm not going to even try to glue them back together.

they are just going to sit there and serve as a reminder that once you've told someone you love them it's the key to the ultimate oppotunity to hurt you.

and opportunity they will take.

well, another blogring to waste my life away upon.  when will the madness stop?

well, i guess i'm starting over.

and not just with a new blogring...i mean in my life too.

when  tyler broke up with me, i took a step back and i realized that i didn't like the person i have become.

i'm too cynical, too distrusting, too negative.

but im changing that.

sure, it hurts, but the Lord works in funny ways.

ending a almost year long relationship is the worst feeling in the world, but it's changed my life.

it's taught me to live life to the fullest and never hold back.

you have to keep trusting, keep laughing, keep breathing.

you can't ever just give up.

i was trying to play it safe; i didn't want any pain, but now i realize that the pain and excitement and risks are what make life fun.

when i die and i'm watching my life flash before my eyes, i want to be able to smile and say i had a blast and i wouldn't have it any other way.

i don't want to lead a boring life just because i couldn't trust anyone.

God always has you on your toes.

you just have to trust Him.

so, i guess this is starting over...