so i haven't touched this stupid thing in like... two months.
maybe i'll go check out the whole 'myspace scene.'
maybe i'm not that bored.

is there a hole in your heart
or am i mistaken?
i can see your capillary veins.

you be the patient, i'll be the surgeon -
just like 1st grade on the playground.

(i am a pirate, you are a princess - playradioplay!)

Hey girl you know you drive me crazy
one look puts the rhythm in my hand.
Still I'll never understand why you hang around
I see what's going down.

Cover up with make up in the mirror
tell yourself it's never gonna happen again
you cry alone and then he swears he loves you.

Do you feel like a man
when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect
every action in this world will bear a consequence
If you wade around forever you will surely drown
I see what's going down.

I see the way you go and say your right again,
say your right again
heed my lecture

Do you feel like a man
when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down a new life she has.

One day she will tell you that she has had enough
its coming round again.

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the grown?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has.

Face down in the dirt she says, this doesn't hurt she says I finally had enough..

You realize you're completely and utterly lost?

During the daytime it isn't so bad, because I have friends to harrass and I keep my thoughts about everything bad in check.

... But when it's just myself, I find my thoughts straying to places I never want to go back to.

I'm in a bad funk. I'm not really liking anybody at the moment, and I seem to be pissed at everyone, including myself. It's like I'm carrying this huge load from point A to point B, and I'm stuck somewhere next to point Z.

My nerves are shot and I just feel twitchy. Not the good sugar-twitch or happy-twitch, but ohmygodwhat'swrongwithme-twitch.

Maybe it comes with my cold, because I've only been feeling like this since I've gotten my cold, but then, that doesn't make much sense.

But like, it seems that I've got this cold and I feel clausterphobic, like my lungs are two sizes too small - and it feels like it's translating over into other aspects of my life. Like, everything is two sizes too small and I can't find somewhere I can just fit. Not like socially, because I know where I fit there mostly, but like my life as a whole.

Where do I fit? What am I supposed to be doing with myself? Why do I feel the need to question myself?

I guess this is the cliche'd topic everyone goes through, but if it is, why does it have to hurt so much?

... I don't really know where to start.

My mom and I went out to pick up my brother, and when we got home there was all this smoke. Someone had set out a smoke bomb on our porch.

We walked to the front yard, and my father was waving a gun. He said he had called the cops and the fire department.

There was a lot of fighting and then the cops and firetrucks came, sirens blaring and everything. My mom was screaming at my father, 'put the fucking gun away, you're going to get yourself arrested.'

He did. He put it on top the the pie safe, in plain view of where I could see it.

For anyone who doesn't know, I'm terrified of guns. The sight of real guns makes me want to puke.

My mom is a teacher. We figure one of her students did the smoke bomb. The fact that scares me about this whole situation, is that my father was full and ready to shoot the kid who did this.

I went into the kitchen after the cops and trucks had left, thinking it would be okay. So... I went. I got in there and my mom was sitting at the table, disgusted with my father, and my father was unloading the dishwasher.

The second fact that you should know is that my father and I do not get along. At all.

He tells me to unload the dishwasher, and I'm already under a lot of distress and I'm tense, and I burst into tears.

No, he doesn't try to consol me, or ask if I'm alright. The first thing out of his mouth to me is you're fucking crazy.

What kind of father tells their daughter that she's crazy?

.
.
.

I don't know. I just needed to get this all out.  

There's one moment in your life when you realize the world is changing. You don't know how or why, but you want to be the one who steps up and says 'This - this is wrong.'

You don't. You sit there with false hopes and false starts, and pretend to be your normal shallow self. You can block out the world, but your conscience is always with you.

As you're walking away from cash registers, you see boxes. Boxes that read 'Save the Children' or 'Heal the Abused.' You give your spare change away to these funds, as your head thinks blasphemous things like 'Can pennies save kids? Can nickels heal the abused?'

When the revolution comes, you think, you will be the first to die.

You forget to think, how many others will die with me?

You are selfish until the end.

--taken from the story I am writing.

it's kinda sad to think the extent of my celebrations will be spent on a forum with best friends i've never met.

my arm really hurts. i fell in the garage and I have a nice bruise on my upper arm, but it hurts all the way down to my wrist. it's not preventing me from typing this, though, so it can't be that bad.

Sometimes, I want to be a ninja.

But then I think, wow, that must be a pretty lonely life.

I'm just cool like that.

i've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie, you had me.

'lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off' - p!atd

So, I've been thinking about why I act like I do. Not so much about the actions themselves, but what drives me to take the course I do.

Like... I know I act shallow at school. I generally act shallow around people. It doesn't mean I am shallow, but I use it as a defense mechanism to keep people at bay. Sort of like a 'danger: high voltage' sign, or some such thing.

I've also noticed that I've gotten flakey with my eating habits. Some times I gorge myself on food and other times I don't eat at all to balance the binging. I find all these flaws with myself, flaws I'm sure no one else can see. I guess I just need something to control.

This summer has been pretty quakey for me. My dad has these moments where he'll be nice, and I don't know how to deal with that. Atleast when he's yelling at me, I have a knee-jerk reaction. I can deal with him hating me. I don't remember a time when he actually liked me, so I know how to react when he yells. My reactions aren't always the best ones, but they're still reaction. When he is nice, I don't know what to do. I just sort of stand there with a dumb look on my face and stutter. 

Most of you will wonder why my dad being nice makes my summer shaky, but most of you don't know my father. My father isn't one of those things I like people to know about.

I dunno. I just felt like getting some stuff out of my system.

So, I'm sunburned on the left side of my neck and face, and on both arms, I've got these humungous blisters on my feet (bigger than I EVER got from guard), my throat hurts like whoa, but damn.

Warped Tour '06 was effing AWESOME!

We got all this free loot from bands promoting themselves, cd's, shirts, stickers, magazines, headphone spilters...

There were eight stages and seventy-four bands. Here's the list of the bands we saw:

Armor for Sleep
Cartel
Emanuel
Everytime I Die
From First To Last
June
NOFX
Paramore
Patent Pending
Plain White T's
Senses Fail
Scary Kids Scaring Kids
Silverstein
The Smashup
Underoath
Anti-Flag
DORK
Pink Spiders

and

.

.

.

Aiden

Aiden had the best stage presense of any band out there. We were right in front and the lead singer would get up in the crowd, and he grabbed my hat. I felt sqiudgely. Then I was watching the leader singer and I turned around and the bass player was, like, an inch from my face. He's got a nice smile.

It was the best show I saw and have seen in a while.

*insertfangirlsqueakhere* Three of the five signed my hat. I'm going to be parading that thing around, like you've never seen.

We're going back next year.

I found this video, Rise Against 'Ready to Fall' on the internet - the one too graphic for television. I found it on Peta2, and it has some graphic images of animal abuse in it, so if that really bothers you to know that's really going on in the world, you might not want to watch this.

However, I will provide the link for those of you that do. By the way, it's a good song.

http://www.peta2.com/OUTTHERE/o-riseagainst_video.asp?c=p21664

(Why do good sites have to go and make new layouts that you can't understand, much less navigate? notthisonekthnxbye)

My mom found a note of mine, and looked at me like I was stupid. 'Why do you write depressing stuff like this, if you know we're going to find them? Your father found this in the car. God, Claire, I thought I could trust you.'

Because, mother, when I don't write my thoughts down bad things happen. And, fuck, you can trust me, because they were only words, not actions.

I added some pictures we took at the Chattanooga Aquarium last time we were up at Mimi's. I like the pictures entitled 'Down the Escalator' and 'Jellyfish', as seen below:

and

Haha, I think my shoes are sexy.

i just started doodling, and i came up with this tombstone. it's about the most colorful i've done, but i like it.

haha, this has to do with my username glockmemoirs. this badly drawn scribble is based off a glock. i'd say, for my first time scribbling a gun, it's pretty darn good.

i think this cat scribble is adorable, but that's just me. the eyes took f o r e v e r, though, because i couldn't get the scribble outline to be, well, circle shaped.

yeah, it's the above picture, but you know that's what all cats think. they come up to you looking all sweet and purring and 'love me!', but you know all they're thinking about is biting your appendages and saying 'rawr.'  you know it's true.

my jaw keeps popping out of place. whatthefxupwiththat? and my wrist hurts like whoa. not that i'm complaining. it's nice to know i'm really alive and this isn't a nightmare.

give my ego a pet there, will you? (i was going to say 'stroke', but then i was like... my friends... oh shizzzt.) i = lack of proper grammer/capitalization. i've been reduced to that luffable gloaty bit of claire that no one should ever have to see. <3333333

BECAUSE: i entered my newest bit of poetry into a contest, and i am quite pleased with it.

i will show it to you, and although you probably won't get the impact i've been crushed under (or maybe you will, i dunno), you might be like: 'claire - wtf biznatch?' in which case i will forgive you and go on with my gloatiness. (yes, i like to make up words. stfu.)

wow, stfu is funny to say as a word... 8)

okay, here goes:

'political machine' 

tick. tock.
the melodrama of a
bro / ken nation.

tick. tock.
the desperate attempt
to find fate -

between layers of
skin.
bones.
flesh.

anything with a particular
insubstantial quality,

partial and docile
to the words that spew
from the mouth of a

(political)MACHINE.

yes, yes, i know: 'but claire! what?'

oh vell. you must figure out why it makes me so giddyhappygloaty on you own. yes, i know: 'claire, you have a big ego sometimes.'

well, duh. ^_^

/well my inarticulate store-bought hangover hobby kit, it talks. and it says, 'you, oh, you are so cool.'/ - make damn sure // tbs

summer... (in short) is boring.

i have absolutely no life.

(well, besides internet and ... cleaning ... argh.)

i don't know why i let myself get so easily angered... it's just one more thing i can't keep control of, and i don't like it. i don't like not being in control.

i know it's just a flaw i have, and i know i need to chill out about it, but i can't get myself to. if i'm not in control of myself, i get really anxious and kind of sick to my stomach.

on another note, I really like that song 'giving up' by silverstein: "i used to make the light shine for you.' i know it's a old song, but still...

less than three <3

claire

hah, underoath concert tonight at rocket town.

you can bet your butt i'm there.

btw, it's $16 and at 7pm at rcktwn.

rawr.

you have to force the words to form themselves, or else they linger and mingle around in your head. that just gets confusing. oi. i think this was the most recent poem i churned out, but i'm not so sure...

"tremors"

say it softly - like a murmur, quietly
and let him lie to you, next to you
although his touch feels like knives
and his words sound hateful
to you, your mind, mindful of
his past, and weary of your own.
when you first heard the taps on
your window at night, you disregarded
them, kinder than the way you
disregarded your parents' faith
but when he left you so did
the love you never had or wanted.
sometimes, when you speak, the earth
shudders with you and I remember
why you never say anything to him

---

what is it about this site that makes it so damn addictive? bah humbug.

rawr.

my friends make me happy.

like, a tingly stomach happy.

I gave in to the craze.

See? This is the way the world ends.

.
.
.

If I know you, come rescue me from my boring summer. But, make sure you call first.

.
.
.

If you need my phone number, lemme know. I'll email it to you. Creepy people just aren't cool.

less than three <3

Claire

(ps, email: glockmemoirs@yahoo.com)