so it's less than 24 hours till i am no longer a teenager.... thats right... its almost my 20th birthday... most people would be ecstatic right.. me... i'm terrified...

looking back on the last 20 years of my life all i can see is millions of mistakes and regrets... and stupid actions that i can't change.  i know everyone out there will just say well their in the past.. just learn from them and move on... but see thats my problem right now.. moving on...

over the past 7 years i have been holding on to the one thing that i have been unable to move on from than anything else in my life... my mom..

i know it's selfish of me and really immature but shit she hurt me...and it's taking forever and slowly it's working but this one is just a little hard to forgive and forget...

i feel like on the outside i'm one person and in the inside i'm this scared little child that's holding on for dear life praying that she won't have to grow up and face all the challenges and regrets from the past that have put her where she is now in the present...

there are so many things i look forward to over the next 20 years (other than getting old of course)... i'm just so scared that my past will never let me go so i can move on with my future that i have had planned for so long.  

i know over this year being by myself i really have grown... granted i have made some more mistakes.. but i'm at least owning up to them faster than before...

it's just really scary... being a grown-up... i never thought there would be a time when i would be scared to get older.. at least i didn't think it would come this fast....

i know that i've still got some time to grow up.. i mean i'm still in school so i'm really not out there in the real world yet.. but i feel like with this up coming birthday new things are going to be expected of me... i'm going to have to leave my childish ways behind me.. and really that scares the crap out of me...

i know this is sounding really stupid and childish.. but it's late and i needed a place to let me thoughts soar...

i'm sure i will have a great birthday and not much will really change... 

heres to another year.. filled with choices.. consequences.. regrets.. joys... and forgiveness...