Good afternoon, teenagers. My name is Officer Aaron Roan and I'm here today to talk to you about the dangers of drinking and driving. I'm not going to beat around the bush. If you drink and drive, you will die. From cancer. That's right. If you start drinking and driving, you're going to get cancer and die. Probably from a goat. Think about it. You're drinking. You get in the car. You're feeling a little woozy, so you roll down the windows. You pass out, drive off the road. You wake up screaming. While you're screaming, your car hits a goat. The goats blood gets in your open mouth. Next thing you know, you got yourself a bad case of goat cancer. You don't think it could happen? Guess again. It happened to my partner.

That's right. We were out drinking one night. Five days later, they found his body covered in goat cancer and chocolate sauce. Well, actually, it was far more chocolate sauce than goat cancer. I actually don't think any goat cancer was involved at all. I made that part up. And the chocolate sauce washed right off. He's fine now. But the point is, it could have been a lot worse! He could have died! What if he had a chocolate allergy? Think about that the next time you drink yourself a gin ricky.

Or think about this: did you know that 100% people who drink will eventually die? Isn't that a staggering statistic? To put that statistic into perspective, look around the room. Everybody in this room who has ever touched an alcoholic beverage raise your hand. Guess what? One day, all of you will be dead. Probably from getting a broom in the caboose. People die that way all the time. They drink a couple of pink ladies, next thing you know, they're tied to a radiator pipe and some Chinese guy is sticking a broom up their caboose. Happened to a good buddy of mine (me). And that's not the kind of thing that washes off, believe me.

I'm still not getting through to you, am I? Alright, let's do a little role playing. You, in the back. Let's pretend youve been out drinking. You've had one too many and you get behind the wheel of your car. So now pretend you're driving along. Good. Now look what happens.

BAM!

I just shot that guy with my service revolver. Why? To illustrate a point. What's the point? I'll tell you. Drinking and driving is exactly like getting shot by a cop at a high school assembly. Anyway, why don't we get some of the football players to carry that fellow to the nurse. If somebody has something to staunch the bleeding, that would be great, too. Not your varsity jacket!

Anyway, before I go, I just want to say I hope you all remember what we talked about here today. I hope that, in the future, when you're kicking back another Shanghai sling or what have you and you're feeling a little tipsy, you'll think of me. You'll think of me shooting your classmate and you'll remember - one day you're going to die. Whether it's from goat cancer or chocolate or broom caboose or what have you, you will die. And I will be there pissing on your grave.