August 11 2006
im a girl just like everybody else. im nothing special, im just another undecided soul floating around looking for her purpose. i have found hope in my Savior, but its hard for me to keep that in mind to fall back on. i was one of those many people so obsessed with the idea of experiencing that rush of love that i became consumed with a totally wrong concept of what love is truly meant to be. one of those people on the great quest to find love but saw it as a lost cause. but then, i met him. the one that gave me that rush, my love. the one who has entered the part of my heart that no one else gets to partake in the joy of receiving. that part is eternally his & i never want it back. i didnt realize that i could ever feel this way about a person, none the less about him in general. i didnt even know that such a feeling existed. its a feeling i cant explain. there isnt a word strong enough in meaning to grasp the depth of this love that burns inside me.
love hurts so good. thats how i put it. its the most amazing, painful, beautiful, unexpected, glorious things God has created. this adventure called love has been & will be the most difficult journey ill ever have to trek in my entire life. its strange how one moment youre on top of the world & the next your as low as heartbreak can get you. ive entrusted my whole heart to someone & its up to them to do what they please with it. he takes good care of my heart most of the time. theres been a few times where hes crushed it, but theres no other person who holds the pieces so well in his hands as he does. hes the perfect fix for it, but also the worst break. sometimes this fear comes over me that hes not responsible enough to handle it, but its already his; i cant get it back. i cant help that fear. im afraid that hell hurt me. im scared hes going to put me through that state of heartbreak again. i cant go back to that place. its hard, & almost impossible to escape. it seems dramatic, but love is dramatic when you think about it. it makes me think that i shouldnt be doing this. but maybe, im just not ready yet. i need to grow to trust him & learn how to love him with my greatest ability. i know i dont love him to my highest extent. i know im capable of being even more in love with him then i already am, but that fear is keeping me from that. i think its too soon to let that fear go, & that means that im guarding my heart. & once hes ready for us, im gonna let that guard down & show him a love hes never seen before. well teach each other things we could only learn from each other, & well be in love.
its just gonna take time.
[don't take this literal. & no, it's not being specific]
August 06 2006
they say you know you're in love when you don't need your dreams to paint the perfect picture of your ideal love affair because your reality is so much better. well, truth be told, i think i'm in my own kind of real dream world of love.
in my personal opinion, i think there are many different kinds of love. there's love for your families, love for your friends, love for your god, & just plain old love. & also, i can almost break down plain old love into two categories. i think you can fall in love with somebody & it not be true, but it's also love. understand? like, you can fall in love with somebody who isn't your true love. i believe you can only have one true love, & that's your significant other. that one person you belong with; the one you're created to love. & i think you're made to love only them. but sometimes i think we fall in love with not necessarily bad people, but the wrong people. people we're not supposed to spend the rest of our lives with. & that's love, but not true love.
i think it's very important to guard your heart so you can prevent yourself from the heartbreak that may follow as a result of falling in love with the wrong person. every time you fall in love you give the person you love a part of your heart that you will never get back. everyone you love has pieces of your heart that belong to them because you gave them the right to take it from you. so if you find your true love but you have also previously fallen in love with somebody else, it's going to be a tough obstacle to overcome. just think, if you had spent all your life waiting for your one true love & had protected your heart all those years & were ready to give it to someone special, & you got to that point but your significant other can't give you their whole heart because somebody else has already taken it from you. i don't know about you, but i would feel robbed. that's my love, not theirs.
i think it's important to think about these things.
so maybe this love is my true love. maybe it isn't. i'm not sure right now. but i don't think it's always a good thing to be sure this early. i think i'll grow to be sure of what my answer is. & that's okay with me.
i think i'll go to sleep now.
July 17 2006
i've been thinking a lot lately; a lot about love & where i stand with it. i hate the world's view of love. it's distorted & not how it should be. whenever you hear of so & so being "in love", our immediate reaction is "again?", "who isn't","big deal" or sayings of the sort. we should be so extatic & happy for the couple, but love isn't special anymore. it gets on my nerves so bad when couples who don't know what love is start saying their "i love you"'s so fast. we throw love around like it's nothing at all & true love has lost it's value in our lives. we don't even know what love is, & we don't take the time to find the lost meaning of what it really is. love is so amazing. it's this incredible rush feeling that spreads throughout your body continually & never leaves you. it's that feeling of when your significant other walks into the room & your stomach drops to the floor. it's that smile that instantly spreads across your face when you see your best friend is doing something that makes them happy. it's that feeling you try to put in words, but no word or meaning could possibly convey that very spark we have in our hearts when we express our love towards each other. it's unexplainable, undeniable, & undescribable. love is a touchy subject, but i think it's safe to say that i've experienced it firsthand.
this is why i am so in love with the spill canvas. their lyrics aren't just those cliche lines you hear all the time. they took the time to pick apart their feelings & put them into these wonderful lyrics that leave me breathless.
i can't wait 'til their concert.
July 15 2006
"You make it sound so easy to be alive
But tell me, how am I supposed to seize this day
When everything inside me has died?"
yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion of self conclusion in one simplified motion.
you see, the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
no matter how unbearable this misery gets.
i would be lying if i said things would never get rough,
& all this cliche motivation, it could never be enough.
i could stand here all night trying to convince you,
but what good would that do?
July 11 2006
i dont necessarily think one person can change another. i mean sure, you can have a huge impact on their life & be an influence, but i think its ultimately their choice whether or not they act on it. that choice is theirs, not your own, so really, in my opinion, its not your fault if that person changes because of your actions. it was their decision, so they did the changing themselves. all you did was be that influence that changed their minds. so i guess i see where people think that you can change a person, but i actually dont think you can.
everythings falling back into place. i think its kinda neat how things can be so bad & seem irreplaceable & permanently broken, but then at just the right times, everything falls back into the same rhythm it was before. its times like these that make me enjoy life the most. i love where i am with life right now. i mean. my friends are great. i'm beginning to understand God more & more. in the relationship department, sure i'm single, but for once, im actually enjoying it. im not ready for another relationship yet, & ive finally discovered what i want. i know what i want, & im not gonna waste my time with anything other than that. im just waiting. im accepting what ive been given, & its a great feeling.
i think everybody needs friends like i do. they all teach me something different. they teach me things i need to know, & help me grow to be the person im supposed to be. im incredibly blessed. thank you Jesus for everything i have. im so grateful.
love, peace, & chicken grease.=]
June 14 2006
in life, everything is specified, basically. you're given a specific time & place, specific friends, family, and surroundings. everything is basically set out in front of you & you're left with a choice. the choice of whether you want to screw things up for yourself & everybody else around you, or to make the best of the life you've been given. it's not always easy, but it's not impossible.
for me, i just wanna live the best life that has been given to me that i possibly can. i don't see a reason to take detours into what is cool for the moment, because of the way i see it, it's not worth ruining what's planned already. God's got this fantastic plan for my life that is gonna take it's toll the way it should, & hopefully, i'll make a difference somehow. i'm not on this earth because God ran out of ideas & He felt sorry for me. there's a purpose for me, & i take fulfillment in that.
i want to live a simple life. i want all my relationships to be simple. i don't see a reason for me or other people to complicate things. if crap comes up, deal with it. it's all a part of life, & complaining about it or causing drama for it isn't gonna help it go away none-the-less take it back from happening.
i want to fall in love with the man of my dreams & for him for fall head over heels for me, too, and that basically be it. us being in a relationship with our love & friendship to fall back on. if we're truly in love & it's meant to be, then it'll all work out. sure, there's gonna be problems, but we'll learn how to deal with them together. love isn't about being selfish, it's about completely sacrificing yourself for your significant other, whether it's a friend, your family, or your husband. i want to fulfill that need & purpose in my life, but am i by no means saying i'm gonna succeed everytime.
it's in our human nature to be "natural". we naturally sin. we're naturally selfish. naturally this, naturally that. why not defy the natural? be who it is you are created to be, which is completely unnatural. when we become a part of the holy body of Christ, we are called to be unnatural. it's our purpose, to defy the natural and not sin. God says we aren't perfect, so we're gonna slip up, but isn't it great how amazing God is? He'll just forgive us & we start back over; again & again.
i guess what i'm trying to say is, i'm sick of this monotonous life to the same 'ol same 'ol.
"it take a crane to make a crane. it takes two floors to make a story. it takes a hen to make an egg. it takes an egg to make a hen. there is no end to what i'm saying.
it takes a thought to make a word. & it takes some words to make an action. it takes some work to make it work. it takes some good to make it hurt. it takes some bad for satisfaction.
life is wonderful. life goes full circle. life is wonderful.
it takes a night to make it dawn. it takes a day to make you yawn, brother. it takes some old to make it young. it takes some cold to know the sun. it takes the one to have the other.
& it takes no time to fall in love, but it takes you years to know what love is. it takes some fears to make you trust. it takes those tears to make it rust. it takes the dust to have it polished.
life is wonderful. life goes full circle. life is so full of. life is so rough. life is wonderful. life goes full circle. life is our love.
it takes some silence to make sound. it takes some loss before you found it. & it takes a road to go nowhere. it takes a toll to make you care. it takes a hole to make a mountain.
life is wonderful. life goes full circle. life is wonderful. life is meaningful. life is wonderful. life, it is so wonderful."
June 04 2006
my life seems so monotonous right now.
i need a change.
i want to cut/dye my hair drastically.
fourteen is boring for me.
i'm too old to be this age.
that doesn't make sense,
but it makes more sense than not.
i keep planning my future because i have nothing else to do.
it's only gonna end up changing a few hundred times before i get there,
but it couldn't hurt to be prepared.
i've been in a bad mood since last night
& i probably will be for the next couple of days.
tons of people have been getting on my nerves
& i don't want to put up with them.
most likely, if you haven't heard already,
i'll let you know if you're on my nerves.
i want to adopt a china baby.
or just a baby in general.
& i want a new piercing.
hang out with me?
it might put me in a better mood.
May 19 2006
I get so sick of my complaints day in & day out. I say I'm sick of this. I'm sick of that. I'm sick of myself & being sick of everything. I think we all get a little sick of ourselves every now & then, but what angers me the most is when we don't do anything about it. we just complain about us being dumb & don't take any action towards improving the very things we're "so sick" of. it's gonna take more than words to prove to the world that you're serious about what you say. words almost get on my nerves. if we were continuously speechless because we didn't have words to say, who would we be? probably nothing because we don't have actions to back everything up. I'm not just talking about everybody else who's disgusted with themseleves, I'm mainly talking about me. I constantly sabotage myself & make myself look so hypocritical & stupid by talking all this junk & never doing anything about it. it's like I'm lazy about what I say. not just in what I complain about, but in my spirituality, too. I tell you I'll do something for you & then I don't & I think it's okay because I can get away with it. sometimes I can't understand why God still puts up with me because I'm so narrowminded a lot of the times. I have a one track mind that's all about me, but yet I wear this sign on my head that says "I'm willing to do what God wants." that's a bunch of bull honkey doodle squat. if I'm being selfish, them I'm not willing. don't take my word for it, though. if I don't prove it to you by my actions, don't believe a single word I say.
May 10 2006
invisible children was amazing.
I have the best friends in the world.
soccer is basically over.
still not over him
it's taking awhile because I meant everything I put forth in it.
& I can't wait 'til my sister gets married.
April 26 2006
these three college guys found out about it & decided to go to Uganda & make a documentary about it...they put together this thing called the "invisible children" because nobody really cares about these kids & kinda overlook them like they're invisible. they have bracelets and newsletters to try & raise money for this cause.
this Saturday they are holding a walk in 130 cities around America...if we get 75,000 people signed up for this walk, the USA's government will do something about it.
it's this Saturday (April 29th) & the closest place near us is in Franklin. we meet at the Target in Franklin (by Cool Springs Mall) & walk five miles to the People's Church & camp out there for the night simulating what the children do every night sort of like a wake up call for our government.
sign up at www.invisiblechildren.com
spread the word. ya heard?
April 18 2006
I'm getting a new digital camera & I'm buying it with my own money. I'm independent. it's a strive to be my own person & being able to take care of myself. is this right?
I frustrate myself. I blame myself for everything; all my heartbreaks, all the bad stuff going on. I almost feel superstitious sometimes about it. it's a work in progress. is this right?
I want to be content more than anything. it's like my new obsession; being happy. I feel like I'm forcing myself to be that way, but I want it to come naturally. it's a struggle taking it's sweet time. is this right?
I'm not content just being his friend. these feeling are starting to get really annoying & tiresome. I just want to help him, but he doesn't realize that's my decision. I pray & plead "help me help him," but for some reason I can't & that annoys the fire out of me. is this right?
I say I hate drama, but it continually presents its ugly self right in front of me. I'm starting to think that maybe everybody was right. maybe I am the cause of it. there I go; blaming myself for things again. is this right?
I'm sick of wanting something I can't have & not being satisfied with where I am. I'm here for a freaking reason, right? so why can't I see the beauty in it? God doesn't like it when His children hurt, right? & He's never gonna give us more than we can handle, correct? then why do I feel like I'm in reach of my breaking point? does God not want me to be content in Him? that's all I'm asking is to learn to be content in Him. I know I can't do it on my own so I'm pleading for Him to make me content. why isn't He answering? after all, I am His child, aren't I? I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready. is this right? why won't He answer me?
April 11 2006
happy? I try to be.
content? I'm almost there.
angered? not really.
sad? not anymore.
hopeful? most definitely.
hungry, I come to You
for I know you satisfy.
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry
so I wait for You
so I wait for You
I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus You're all this heart is living for.
it is well, it is well
with my soul, with my soul
it is well, it is well with my soul.
April 07 2006
I just want to be content.
March 25 2006
so I have a boyfriend right?
can you guess who?
nope, you're wrong.
pssh. I'm a nerd.
at least I'm lovin' you while I'm doin' it!!!
why did I just put three exclamation points?
that was pointless.
gahhh, I get on my nerves sometimes.
March 17 2006
so me & Jack broke up.
& I'm on a diet.
a healthy one, not one that will make me lose weight on purpose.
I'd be a vegetarian like everybody else, but I like meat way too much.
plus everybody's doing it, & I'm not everbody now am I?
I didn't think so...
I have a crush:]
March 09 2006
please pray for my daddy, he has cancer & he's in the hospital.
February 04 2006
it's you I like like
not the things you wear
not the way you do your hair
but it's you I like
the way you are right now
the way down deep inside you
not the things that hide you
not your toys;
they're just beside you
but it's you I like
every part of you
your skin, your eyes, your feelings
whether old or new
I hope that you'll remember
even when you're feeling blue
that it's you I like
it's you, yourself, it's you
it's you I like.
January 29 2006
last thing I remember, sayin' bye to yesterday
glad to see it over, pullin' covers over my head.
but what were you doin' while I dreamt the night away?
'cuz I can tell that somethin's different
& my eyes ain't even open yet.
I'm smellin' coffee
birds are singin' just outside
here comes Your mercy streamin' in with the morning light
my hear is racin' wakin' up to Your smile
it's a good morning, yeah
it's a good morning.
well I remember readin' You're the God who never sleeps
& while I've been dreamin' You've been singin' over me
singin' about my freedom, wakin' me up to hear Your song
& now I can't dance hard enough
'cuz yesterday is gone, gone, gone.
every little breath, every heartbeat
is a gift of love that You give to me
You keep givin' even when I'm asleep
'cuz I know You never stop watching over me
I wake up, my past is gone
'cuz Your mercy's newe with the mornin' sun
I'm forgiven, I'm free, it's a brand new day
'cuz Your faitfulness is the greatest<3