August 03 2006

I am getting really fucking sick and tired of people being so damn inconsiderate, especially girls. If I even attempted half of the shit I have to put up with from people, I would be hated. Probably stoned. But I'm supposed to just sit back and take it. People care more about what they lose or gain from a situation than what's best for other people. Selfish. It pisses me off, and oh oh OH how I want to go into more detail, but it's best not to start shit. And I'm trying to be as mature about all of this as I possibly can be so I guess a vague post on phusebox will have to do for now. But who knows what the future holds.

Joshua Petker

July 18 2006


July 13 2006
The relevant parts of Jewel's "Foolish Games":

Always felt I was outside looking in on you

You were always the mysterious one with dark eyes and careless hair

You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care

Then you stood in my doorway, with nothing to say

Besides some comment on the weather

Well in case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see

This is my heart bleeding before you, this is me down on my knees

These foolish games are tearing me apart

Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart

You're breaking my heart

You were always brilliant in morning

Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee

You philosophies on art, Baroque moved you

You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones

You'd teach me of honest things

Things that were daring, things that were clean

So I hid my soiled hands behind my back

Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you

Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else

Somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself

These foolish games are tearing me apart

You're tearing me, tearing me, tearing me apart

Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart

You're breaking my heart

Long time

June 18 2006
It has been quite some time since I've made an entry. And now here I am with nothing to say.....

Well, I got a new car. My nutso dad bought a Ford Explorer from my brother, decided he didn't like it, and traded it to me for my crappy Toyota, Camry. His loss. I'm happy. I wanted a big car from the very start, but got stuck with Bella instead. Oh well. It's better now. I have a car with breaks that actually work.

Other than that....Andrew's show Thursday night was awesome. I was going to brag about him a lot, but he wouldn't stop peaking over my shoulder so he lost his bragging-girlfriend-moment.

I have to run an errand for my mom and then we're off to dinner at Andrew's parents'. Farewell.

The Product of our Ignorance

May 29 2006
What happens when we elect a president because of his religion? Funding for sexual education is reserved for abstinence-only programs. In an age where Hello Kitty makes thongs and Jenna Jammeson has a best selling novel, we deny teens information on condoms and birth control. Porn is easier to access than information on safe sex, and, more than that, porn is being accessed more than info on safe sex. In fact, porn doesn't even have to be "accessed" because it's everywhere. Half naked women acting like strippers and porn stars is the center of advertising, TV, and movies. No one can deny how casual sex is in today's society, and the fact that kids are starting to have sex younger and younger, and yet, we are still hanging on to the ignorant fantasy of teaching our kids to remain virgins until they're married. Nevermind the enormous ammount of pressure on teens to lose their virginity as soon as possible. Rather than telling them how to protect themselves if they do decide to give in to the peer pressure, lets instead make them feel even worse about themselves for giving into the message they are getting absolutely everywhere they turn. Furthermore, why not educate teenage girls how to make the choice in the first place? Why deny the fact that they have sexual desire and not teach them how to direct it? Why not teach them about the difference between their sexual desires and the pressure of society? We are all so stuck on this impossible idea of all teens saving sex for marriage that we're not willing to teach them the realistic information they need, and we're certainly not willing to do anything about how screwed up the messages in the media are.


May 28 2006
I am sick. I don't like it.

I'm 19 now. It doesn't feel any different, not that any one ever said it was supposed to....

My birthday party was a lot of fun. I had no idea we could fit so many people into our apartment.

I've been getting into a lot of conversations about politics and religion lately. Does anyone else feel a revolution coming on? I think we need it.

I updated Yessy, and plan on continuing to do so:
Go. See. Critique.



May 07 2006
I've never been brilliant.

It's Over

May 01 2006

Some time between 6pm and 9pm tonight, my semester will have come to an end. Next time I walk through the doors of this school, I will be a junior. It's hard to believe 2 years have already gone by. I'm just so happy this semester is over because I have worked my ass off.

I have a few people to work with to get this presentation for tonight finished and then it's all done. Make quick 5 minute speech, listen to 8 other people's 5 minute speeches....answer a few questions, and I'm done.

Bliss. That's what tomorrow will be for me.

I've just been informed that a group is having a show, at the same place we had the last one, on the 12th....which is the day before we leave for Florida. But I'm going to try to participate anyways. There's no theme so I can submit anything I want. I'll let all of you know when I have more information incase anyone is interested in coming.



April 26 2006

I'm supposed to be writing one of three papers right now, but Andrew is playing music with some friends from his new job tonight so there's no rush to get home.

There's some news - Andrew now works for the Hot Topic Distribution Center. The money is better, but I feel like I never get to see him anymore. He's always working or delirious from sleep deprivation. But oh well. He'll get adjusted soon, hopefully.

Monday is my last day of school, and while I have a shit ton of stuff to do before then, I'm still very excited. And I'm actually interested in the topics I chose for my papers.

A friend burned me a copy of the new Tool CD. It's amazing. Absolutely amazing.

That's all for now. Farewell.


April 17 2006

I don't know what happened since I very first started all of this online journaling stuff, but I just don't know what to write anymore and I haven't in a while. I can't say I'm writing to vent or anything like that because if I was doing that, I wouldn't be doing it where everyone could read it. Every thing I'd like to write I quickly decide is nobody's business but my own. I'm beginning to think all this is good for is updating people on my life, and then I think if people want to know what's going on with me they can call, but some people I really don't want calling me....

I remember coming on these damn things when I was about 15 or 16 and spilling my heart out. I just can't do it anymore. I don't know why.

Anyways, I'll use phusebox for the only thing it's good for - to update everyone on my life (and Andrew's).

-2 more weeks of school left and then I'll be working all summer (hopefully and regretfully)
-I have a new favorite author, and everyone should look her up. Her name is Jeanette Winterson.
-Andrew and I, along with my family, are off to Florida in less than a month (CAN'T WAIT)

That would be it. Oh, besides that I had a nice Easter Sunday, and I hope all of you did as well.

Another Announcement

April 10 2006

Andrew and I have decided to set the wedding date back quite a bit for financial reasons.

I'm going to be completely honest - right now, my life isn't the most enjoyable thing in the world to face every day. I'm quite optimistic, and I can stay in a good mood just thinking about stupid little things like the fact that I just dyed my hair for the first time in months or that there are only 3 more weeks left in the semester. Then, there are the big things like the relief of putting the wedding off for a while and the prospect of getting a studio at the same place where Andrew has band practice. Oh, but if I take five seconds to think about the biggest things going on in my life right now, it takes everything in me not to cry. It's just one of those times when a lot of exciting things are happening, but just as many horrible things are happening. Whether I'm optimistic or pessimistic, I just have a lot going on.

Funny Story

April 05 2006

I'm posting this because I need to kill time and I honestly can't think of anything else I want to say.

Andrew and I had to go drop something off at church on Sunday, and there was a small group of people in the sanctuary....and as soon as we walk in it's, "Andrew! It's so good to see you! We miss you! It's not the same without you!" I got nothing.... I think I heard Jeana Lewis call them out on their error, but I really thought it was funny. Hm....I wonder why I never felt like I belonged at FWC? And of course Andrew did everything he could to make me feel better, saying that he was a member of youth staff and all that. I couldn't get over that I went there for a year and a half and going back I felt completely invisible. Ah well. No hard feelings. I know it had a lot to do with the people that were there. But then again, I remember feeling the same way when we visited a while back.

The semester is almost over....I can't wait. I am burnt out, and so looking forward to NOT taking classes this summer. Before I start looking for a job, I'm going to see if I can make some money from my gallery on Yessy. I haven't updated it in....a very long time, but every once in a while I'll still sale one of my older paintings on there. So, I'm hoping if I update I'll maybe have more consistent sales.... ha, consistency in an artist's financial income. That's the funny story.
Anyways, you guys can check out the site now if you want. It's
And I'll let everyone know when I get the new stuff on there.
Oh, I couldn't afford to keep - I'm not sure if anyone on here ever knew it existed, but if some of you did, it's gone now. As am I. Farewell.

Famous First Facts

March 22 2006

Title from the first interesting book title I saw on the shelf.

I'm in the school library. I got here early and finished half of an assignment due on Monday. Now I get to go to Figure Study and then go HOME. I love Wednesdays - only one class. I only have one class on Fridays too, but it's at 9am and that makes it not so great.

Lots of wedding planning to do, most of which will be done this summer. Good news is, the wedding is going to be the Saturday before my fall break so we get a week long honeymoon without me having to miss class.

Lets see....what else is new....planning out my schedule for the fall semester tomorrow, and it's actually pretty exciting because next year I'm a junior so I get to take classes like seminar and I might get to intern at a gallery or museum here in Nashville, but I'm not going to try to intern anywhere until next spring. It would be way to much to juggle between my other classes and planning a wedding.

I guess that's about it. I hope all is well.


March 19 2006

Andrew and I are engaged! Planning to have the wedding this fall.

That's the most exciting thing in my life right now, and it's more than enough.

There's a man sitting behind me, and I think I love him. Pretty damn sure I do.

Bad Day

March 08 2006

I've escaped figure study. I stopped drawing people an hour ago, and instead drew a racoon.

It's amazing how everyone here thinks they're so unique, but to me - they all look the same. Everyone is alike in trying to be as different as they can. On a bigger scale, our entire society is obsessed with personal identity, but no one seems to have it.
And Watkin's students' attitudes towards their teachers cracks me up. Everyone marvels at everything an instructor says, never stopping to think, "Hey, maybe 4, 8, or how ever many years they were in college doesn't mean anything. Maybe they don't know any more than I do."

Spring Break next week. I'll be having my wisdom teeth taken out on the first day, though.

Oh, Andrew and I moved this weekend. Most everything is already unpacked and in order aside from a few stray boxes here and there. We brought our cat over on....Sunday night, I think. She seems to be adjusting well. But I worry she'll go crazy not being able to go outside the way she could before. I try to keep her entertained as much as possible.

In 10 minutes my class is over and Andrew gets off work. He'll be home a good 30 minutes before me, so maybe he'll make dinner. I better go. I hope all is well.


February 28 2006
I appreciate the comments on my last post, and anyone who wants to further discuss God through e-mail, just let me know.

But I have to say, I'm rather angry right now. I've been reading my boyfriend's blog entries, the comments he gets, I've heard the gossip and rumors of what people are saying about him at FWC, and I've just been taking it all in and I can't hold back my opinions any longer.
Surely you people can find some worth in what have to say seeing as how I am the one person he sees and talks to more than anyone else. I see him every day - through good moods and bad moods. I can tell you that neither of us have abandoned our beliefs in God, and if one of us has even come close - it would be me. I am the one who doubts and questions and beats myself up over it all. Andrew was the one holding me when I was dangerously drunk and crying my eyes out, and when I asked him that night if he believed in God, he said yes. Andrew is the one sitting with me in church almost every Sunday holding my hand during praise and worship. Andrew is one of the only reasons I have left for believing in God. The night before we started dating, (and I haven't even told him this) I had a complete emotional break down. I had nothing left. I wanted to die. I've gone through tough times, everyone has, but I had had all I could take. I was going to kill myself. I prayed for the first time in months that God would please give me some reason to live- something to keep me going. The next day, Andrew and I hung out and ended up hinting around that we had feelings for each other. I was still depressed, and he left for Tampa that night, but I held on to see what would happen when he got back. He came home and we've been inseperable ever since. Andrew wasn't exactly having the easiest time in life before me. He was going through a lot, too. But now we both have at least one reason for being alive, and that's each other. No one can tell me that anything or anyone other than God brought us together. Now I can't tell you if those things prove we're good Christians, because I don't think they do. But I can say what doesn't prove we're bad Christians. When two people who want to spend the rest of their lives together, but can't afford to get married right now, decide to move in with each other, does not mean they're going against God. When a person throws out a cuss word every now and then, it does not mean they're going against God. People should stop looking at everything they think Andrew is doing wrong, and try to understand that maybe, just maybe, he's doing some things right. He is still the kindest and sweetest and most caring person I have ever met. He's a guy who listens to his fellow employees' problems at work and encourages them. He's a guy who is always incredibly kind to complete strangers. He is always there for me when I need him. He always keeps a calm head and takes care of me.
I'm the one who has a drinking problem, people. I'm the one who suggests daily that maybe God doesn't exist. Andrew is the one who discourages that behavior. And I thank God for that, because I know no one else ever bothered. I went to FWC for a year and a half - why did I stop going? Why is there a rumor that I hate that church and I'm the one keeping Andrew from going? Because I went to that church through good times and through bad....through all kinds of addictions and tough times....and it's not like it was some huge secret. I never really tried to hide what I was doing. Can I think of anyone at that church who ever truly made me believe they gave a damn? No. Can I think of one time anyone there ever convinced me about anything regarding God? No. I tried, I came, I listened, I tried to reach out, and I never got anything. And now I have this God sent man in my life who is my constant reminder that not only does God exist, but also my reminder that I have a future. I have a reason to live. I have a reason to not to drink.
Not only that, but I have found a church that doesn't consist of just one or two renegades that used to smoke pot, but a church where the preacher constantly reminds everyone that he was once a crack head. A preacher who has been in prison. A preacher who admits he was a crack head and a youth minister at the same time. And who goes to that church? People like him. People that haven't just dabbled in a few bad things here and there before deciding to walk a straight path, but people who have dived head first into darkness and are slowly finding their way out. Because in the real world, you don't wake up one morning completely renewed and pure. Not after living the way some of us have. You have to work. It's hard. You don't decide one day that God is always there and never question it and never look back. You struggle. You fight. And if you're strong, if you have real honest faith - not the kind of faith that brings you to church every time it's open - but the kind of faith it takes to watch a friend drown in a drug addiction, the kind of faith it takes to see young promising people die right in front of you, to walk into a completely godless school where beliefs without scientific reason are considered pointless, when people are constantly feeding you ideas that anything goes and nothing is sacred, to come home to an insane father and over controlling mother where screaming fights and broken glass are normal, or a home where a marriage is being torn to shreds and you whitness it first hand, when a mistake hits you so hard you can literally feel your heart break, not a mistake that just finds its way back around to you and humiliates you, but a mistake that has ruined your life and you have to deal with it while trying to find forgiveness and trying to put what's left of your life back together - if you have that kind of faith, you can take all of that and more and still find your way out on the other side believing in God. That is real faith, and I can tell you that even if I don't have a grasp on it, Andrew does. And that's what inspires me to keep trying. And if you think he's doing so horribly right now, you take yourself back to around the middle of last year and look at him then - compare who he is now to who he was then and you will realize that he is stronger than all of us. He has made it through so much and is cleaning his act up so well. It baffles me. I don't think I could have done what he has done. My point is that if you knew even a third of who he really is and what he has really gone through, you wouldn't be able to say the things you do. Because he has faith that most of you can't even comprehend.
Now, I can only pray that the ones I am writing this for have read this entire thing and at least tried to step out of their narrow views enough to understand where I am coming from. And I know what FWC teaches you. I know you'll find some scripture to go against everything I have said, and that's fine. Because the rules are black and white, right? Well, in the real world, in our very real lives, nothing is black and white. And we have to take the rules and do the best we can with them. And that's what we're doing. We're trying, and that's all God asks of us - is that we try. And whether you believe it or not, I can tell you we are at least doing that much. I'm not God. I'm not Jesus. I can't tell you for certain what either of them would or would not approve of. But considering God knows things Andrew hasn't even told me, I'm certain He is proud of all that Andrew has done. All that he has made it through. And I'm pretty sure He would favor some people understanding that and maybe giving a little encouragement rather than constantly pointing out every little thing you think he is doing wrong.
Maybe this is just going to be a pointless rant, but I pray that it can get through to some of you.

Important Question

February 25 2006
Do you believe in God? If yes, what is your reasoning?

Fuck the institution

February 21 2006

This school is really starting to get to me. I brought it up to Andrew several times last night and he said, "Maybe you just need to go to a different school." It sounded so simple....and then I remembered the lack of accredidation at this school which prohibits credits from transerring elsewhere.

Everyone here is so full of themselves. You have the students, majority of which think they are the smartest, most talented people on the face of the earth matched only by the select few they allow to be in their illitist artist clique. Then, you have the teachers who are usually about the same as the students only worse because they have degrees that supposedly prove how amazing they are. And finally the people who run the school - the men in suits and the women in stilletos. They don't talk or look at the students because they are so far above them....After all, they're the reason we can't smoke right in front of the building because they wouldn't dare be able to stand having to walk through even the slightest remainder of cigarette smoke in order to enter the building.

I'm done. Time to smoke and then return to class and resist the urges of a. shooting myself, b.shooting everyone else, or c.shooting everyone else and then shooting myself.


February 16 2006
I didn't get into the student show, but you can read more about my feelings on that on my xanga.

I'm moving out of my parents' house - another thing you can read more about on my xanga.

No use posting the same things twice when most people on here are on xanga as well.

So, what's something I haven't said on my xanga....I don't know. My life has been pretty boring lately, I guess. Well, no, not boring for me, but when it comes to summing up major events for a blog entry, there's not much to say I guess.
Um, oh, well - My painting 2 class is taking a field trip today, as long as it hasn't been cancelled like all of my other classes this week. I forgot exactly which galleries we're going to, but I remember getting really excited when I was told because I've never been to these before. Well, besides the Frist....I guess you can't go to galleries in Nashville without going to the Frist. Oh well....we're going to see an exhibit I saw a couple of weeks ago, and I actually really like it. So, it won't be unenjoyable to see it again.
I must go now. Farewell.

More Show Stuff....

February 03 2006
The __nym show went really well. We had an awesome turn out. Scott wants all of us to have more shows together....we'll see how that turns out I guess.

I submitted three mixed media pieces for the Watkins student show. Wish me luck. I really want to get in.... but I'm trying not to get my hopes up, because there are a lot of really talented artists at Watkins. Lots of competition. Unlike last year, I have friends/acquaintances that submitted some awesome stuff, and if I don't get in, I'll be happy if they do.

I so skipped Women's Lit. today. It twas an accident....

That's all, folks.