May 11 2007
school is almost over, thank god.
i'll probably have to take finals this year, though. heh. =[
but um. so yeah. hunter is pretty much amazing. haha.
even though he won't be on here to read this for a while.
not much to say really at this point.
i'm just pretty happy about everything.
um. not really doing anything this weekend.
anyone have any ideas?
April 30 2007
fine arts districts competition was this past weekend. i competed in praise team, female vocal solo, large human video group, short story, and digital photography. i advanced in large human video group and advanced with 1st place in our worship team. i'm pretty excited. we're going to indiana this summer for a week for national competition. since i didn't go to nationals last year, i'm really glad that i get to go this year.
umm. yeah. that's basically been my life for the past three months. just a buttload of practicing. but it all paid off. and i've gotten a lot closer with my leaders...so that's pretty cool. i'm still trying to adjust with being in a new youth group..and i'm sorry if i didn't go to your performances (family worship group), but i felt like i had to support my group first...if you know what i mean. i don't love you any less. ;]
but congrats to everyone who advanced. i'll see you in INDY! =]
this summer's gonna be crazy though. i'm going to the 2nd week youth camp with the church, then i'm also going to the 2nd with kids camp with the church...it's gonna be different since i won't be a camper that week. and then i'll have national fine arts....along with any extra schoolwork i might have to do since i'm taking an AP english course next year. fun stuff.
i'll shut up now.
love you all...
April 18 2007
i miss him a lot. =[
haha. i don't know if i can live through sunday!
but yeah. report card wasn't as bad as i was expecting. i DID, however, end up with 2 D's, a C, a B, and 2 A's.
hah. you should know that the two A's were driver's ed and women's select choir. hey, at least i can pass those classes! (i AM a good driver, no matter what anyone says..haha)
all in all, today was a good day.
it started off with some pretty amazing phusebox messages.
and i think my days are only gonna get better from here.
god's blessed me with someone amazing.
and...man, i'm loving it. haha. literally.
love you all.
i'm going to bed.
April 17 2007
even though i know i'm getting an F on my report card tomorrow.
um. well. things are finally working out for me and someone..so that's good. it gives me something to look forward to every night. checking my phusebox messages =]
but right now i'm sitting in study hall.
just got back from driving for driver's ed..haha, i think we're going to sonic tomorrow. then the next day i get to hit the interstate..i LOVE the interstate. haha. probably because i'm addicted to going fast. haha.
ummm. i think that's it for right now.
p.s. HUNTER MORGAN IS AMAZING!!!
April 09 2007
most of it was from really bad times of my life.
so when i thought i had gotten past my bad times,
i threw it all away. all 8 notebooks full. last summer.
i really wish i hadn't now..cause i want to look back through it.
remembering what had happened and why i felt that way.
because i'm starting to feel the same way again.
and maybe if i could look back through them one more time,
i could see what pulled me through. who helped me. who didn't.
i wish i still had that creative flow to write again.
but lately, everything's caused me to block.
i'll sit there with a paper and pen, wanting to write.
and all i can do is sit there and look at the paper
because i can't get anything out of my brain.
there's so many things i want to say, and get out.
but i can't, they're all mixing together.
just like my life, there's nothing normal about it anymore.
sometimes i just want to get out and run away.
i can't tell you where i'll go, but i'll just start walking.
maybe even running, as far away as i can from this place.
sure, i'll come back to visit...after i find out who i am.
i've changed myself for so many people, i don't even know
who i am anymore. i've faked my smile for years now.
i've trained myself to become numb to everything and everyone
around me and the situations i want to avoid,
because they make me feel uncomfortable.
i'm at this point in my life, so confused.
i feel like i've been forgotten by those people who used to be in my life.
i'll call them to talk and catch up, and they're always too busy for me.
not like before. before, i'd call and they'd drop everything for me.
i used to be able to walk into a place and people would be fighting to sit with me.
and now, i have to search for a seat, which usually ends up being in the back row.
alone. just how i feel in the inside. i guess it just corresponds.
i'm sick of feeling this way. so fake. so, unrecognizable.
but every time i try to change, i just dig my grave deeper.
so, i've decided to stop. i don't know how i'm gonna get better.
i honestly don't know where my life is heading at this point.
so i'll go through the motions of everyday life...
hoping something will change and automatically make life different.
but i doubt anything like that would happen. especially for me.
i don't even have but two true friends right now.
they really mean the world to me, and i know they love me no matter what.
i can't say that i feel that from everyone else.
i feel like an outcast, and that's just the way it's gonna be.
i don't feel like i belong anywhere right now.
"things will get better, just wait" that's what everyone says.
but i can't seem to believe it. because i've been waiting for a long time.
and i'm only in worse shape than before.
so before i go back to my fake self, putting on a show for everyone,
i just wanted to let you know that i do love you guys.
no matter if we're friends or not, you can hate my guts and want me to die.
and i'll still love you. that's just me. i forgive and forget.
some people can't seem to do that anymore.
now you know how i'm feeling at this point.
"i'll be okay"...that's what you said, right?
March 28 2007
so i don't know if any of you know this, but i've struggled with depression for a LONG time. i've always had low self-esteem and didn't ever really believe in myself. i think that's something i'll always struggle with. always.
but yeah. i was put down a lot when i was growing up..not so much from family, but from people outside of my family. they would make comments about me and such, and when you're little hearing someone say that "she needs to lose weight. it looks bad" you don't know any other way to react than to think, you know, "what's wrong with me?" and that's just what i've always thought...still do, to this day.
i've had my run-ins with guys. since i have such low self-esteem, everything that i hear from a guy's mouth that's a compliment, being nice to me, or just talking to me, i cling onto it. i guess i just enjoyed the attention and such. so yeah. i can still be like that, but i'm getting better. but because the guys knew i was like that, they have always taken advantage of me. they know that i'm vulnerable, so they think that, hey, what the heck. yeah.in the past 4 months, i've gone through 2 guys. we never dated. but they did their share of breaking my heart. i'm really hurt and nothing's going to change that for a while. i'm going to really try to stay away from boys for a while. i can't keep getting hurt over and over and over again. and yeah, i'm still young. i can do that. even though it will be hard, i'd much rather have a friend than getting hurt yet again.
a couple summers ago, i was in the process of changing churches. that was one of the hardest times in my life. i grew up with everyone at my old youth group..i knew them all since i was 2. i know this is harsh, but i HATED going to this new church that my parents wanted to try out. it wasn't "for me" and i didn't fit in. i went about 4 or 5 weeks before anyone in the youth group talked to me. pastor nathan was the only one who really made it a point to talk to me. it was bad. my self esteem only went down from there. i felt like i was invisible. literally. i came from a church where i was one of the most popular girls in the youth group to a church where no one knew my name except for the youth pastor because he saw it on a info card. those first few months were really hard.. i hated it there. i just wanted to leave and go back to my old youth group. things did start to look up, and while i've made a lot of new friends & best friends, i still don't feel like i'm completely accepted. i mean, i may be, but when you struggle with yourself on a daily basis, it's hard to feel loved all the time. it REALLY is.
the next thing is high school. for me, high school completely sucks. you are judged the whole freaking time by every freaking person that walks by you in the hallway. being one of the "bigger" girls in the school, i feel like everyone is walking by me and saying "oh my god. she is so fat." i just know they are. i can feel them looking at me and laughing. and like i said, i may be making it all up in my head, but this is what it feels like. i do have my group of friends that i talk to, but there's only a select few who i call "friends". and i only have two TRUE friends. i'm completely honest. and most of the time, i go through every single day putting on a show for everyone..smiling just so people won't ask me what's wrong and why i'm always depressed. I DON'T HAVE A REASON. okay? stop asking. please. and i usually won't have a reason. i'm just like that. it's how i've always been.
i've got a lot of stress on me right now. while battling with depression, there's a bunch of stress at home as well. my aunt is battling cancer, she lives in missouri and i haven't seen her since christmas. i miss her a lot...and i'm constantly thinking about her...all the time. i don't even know when i'll get to see her next. it's crazy. and it gets to the point where i can't sleep most of the time. i will go to school running on about 3-4 hours of sleep...my mind never stops running. i'm constantly thinking about what i need to do the next day, week, month, and year. every night. it goes on. and i can't stop it...and because i'm getting such little sleep, i'm doing horrible in my classes. i even failed english last six weeks.
and because all of this is going on, the smallest things can trigger a bad reaction. it gets pretty nasty. i'll snap and go off on people for no good reason. i'll just completely stop talking for days on end, or i'll just go ballistic.
i'm not proud of my recent actions, but i do take complete responsiblity for them..
and because of my stupidity, i lost a friend today..because i just lost it. i broke loose, and lost a friend over it. i regret it, but there's no way to go back into time and change it all. he told me to never text or call him ever again. yeah. i hate that, but i deserve it in a way.
if you guys have any comments/questions/concern
s. i'll listen and answer them.
i appologise for all of my recent actions. and for the next few months, i WON'T be the same. i can already tell you that. and i probably won't be talking much for a while.
i need to do something about the state of mind i'm in right now. i don't quite like who i am..and i plan on changing that.
just be in prayer for me.
it's just not a good time in my life right now.
thanks to all who read.
March 14 2007
i've been sick since late sunday night.
which freakin sucks.
i've missed a LOT of school...which means becca gets a LOT of work to do over spring break. yay. =[
i think it might be the flu.
which is just great.
February 05 2007
i've been under a lot of stress.
my dad totaled his car..
my grades are falling..
and to top it all off.....
my aunt was re-diagnosed with cancer..
it's even worse this time around.
she's all i think about now.
but i'm really trying to stay positive.
i really am.
i just thank god every day she's still here with us (even though she
lives in st. louis) and for all my friends who keep me sane while al of
this is going on. i love you guys.
yeah, so other than that..nothing's really happening in my life.
but still smiling.
so, that's my update for a little while.
AND rachel davis came back to school today!
i was excited and happy for her..
but i know it's gonna suck getting caught back up.
February 01 2007
January 21 2007
i don't know. it's like i'm waiting for something to happen...
and it never does.
i keep waiting for "the guy"
or the "perfect opportunity" to approach me.
maybe i'm not doing something right?
i don't know.
it's like i'm not happy, but i'm also not sad.
i'm in that in-between stage where i don't know what to do.
or how to handle things that come my way.
yes, i am extremely blessed and have a lot compared to some.
and i'm definitely not complaining by ANY means.
i just find myself wanting more of what this life has to offer.
and today i just put it in god's hands.
i'm hoping and praying that whatever i'm looking for
(which i'm definitely not even sure what it is)
will come to me one of these days.
okay, that's where i'm at right now.
January 14 2007
she was running across thompson lane to get to Miller Colleseum for the Tractor Pull by the Ag Center. A car didn't see her running across and hit her. I don't know for sure exactly how she's doing..but i do know that she is okay and will recover.
It will take ALOT of strength, courage, faith.. and heart.
we love you rachel!
January 02 2007
hmm..not much has changed.
i'm still dealing with a lot of stuff, but it's gotten a lot better.
umm..school is still a big worry in my life. especially when it comes to retarded biology and my sucky teacher (whom i dislike.)
everything else is okay..umm...i guess. i can't think of anything else.
my dad traded in his old firetruck for a car that me and my brother could use...it's an older car and all, but it runs pretty well and it'll get me from place to place while i'm saving up money and working for a new car...then my brother can have it.
uuummmmm...school tomorrow...ughhhhh. i really, really, really hate that. not looking forward to the constant stress to return. funfun. [not.]
i really miss my old friends..you know, the way they used to be. i was thinking about that today. it really upsets me how stupid people could drive someone so far away from themselves. ughhh. i could slap some people right now. lol.
i hung out with cherry today..that was fun..and interesting..lol. we talked about EVERYTHING. it felt good to talk to someone about everything that was going on when they're involved in the same exact situation. let's see...we went to starbucks, to the movies just to see that nothing good was playing, the mall, walmart and then back home...haha, she finally found someone who couldn't ride a bike either. ;] hahahaha. i love you girl.
but yeah, that's about it.
christmas was good, i got everything i wanted basically....umm, new years was fun... =] hehe.
well, yeah, i'm gonna go.
love you all,
December 10 2006
but things aren't going so great for me right now.
i just need a lot of prayer and such.
hugs are good..i like them. they make me feel loved.
i'm having a hard time feeling that right now.
if you wanna know what's going on, message me or something.
i just don't feel like posting it for the whole world to see and to make it seem like i'm just throwing a pity party, because i'm not.
November 19 2006
happiness is amazing.
i love it.
youth convention was the most fun i've had in a while...
it was crazy and outrageous..
there are SO many inside jokes between us all..
but yeah, just a short update.
and i'm leaving now.. =]
November 16 2006
i picked up the 8-10 today.
it was beautiful..
haha, i called chris morgan and celebrated.
haven't picked one of those up in years.
glad to know i still have it in me...haha...
November 14 2006
haha..yeah, i got my license today.
November 12 2006
i've never felt so fat in my life.
but it was soooooooooo good.
i'm allowed a "pig out" day every now and then. =]
last nights "surprise" birthday party was...AMAZING.
i saw one of my best friends for the first time in about 6 months.
he walked in and my EXACT words were "oh my god. he's actually here."
haha, yeah, it was so much fun. =]
i love my friends.
thanks to you guys who came.
it really meant a lot.
topped off an AMAZING 16th birthday.
love you all,
November 08 2006
the parents threw a surprise party for me at church.
and pretty sure i already knew it was happening
because i pay attention to EVERYTHING. haha.
but yeah, it was okay i guess.
considering i hate surprise birthday parties (this is my 2nd)
wow, what a birthday party.
but hey, whatever.
November 04 2006
car, who was put there by his father Jacob when he was 2 months old and
he lived on only peanut butter and walnut sandwiches until he was 6
years old. He crawled in the suitcase of the old lady who owned the car
only to find out that it was lined with peanut butter. He indulged
himself becoming massively overweight and developing a cholesterol
problem...not only that, but he developed an allergic reaction to
peanut butter. He got stuck in the suitcase because he was massively
overweight. His allergies increased and he found out that some symptoms
were gas and hives. The reaction was so bad that the gas levels became
fatal. The old lady, who was a smoker, lit a cigarette and ignited the
methane, and burned off her mustache. The blast was so large that it
sent the gerbil flying to and outdoor gerbil farm in the plains of
Iowa, where gerbils run free. Henry became aquainted with these gerbils
and discovered that their religious practices included a yearly
sacrifice of the newest member of their community. He tried to run, but
because he was massively overweight and still shell-shocked from the
explosion, they tied him to a stake. When the fire was lit, Henry
learned of his killer instinct. He grew massive fangs and ate his way
free and he devoured his captors. The news of this canniballistic
gerbil spread to Deputy Deer and his Kitty Crew, in Shabang, Colorado.
Deputy Deer paced to and fro explaining this delicate situation. They
scheduled a standoff for everyone to see. During the battle three of
the four Kitty Crew members were defeated, but not before Henry was
mortally wounded and to the surprise of him and the entire crowd, when
his belly was slashed open four mini Henry's came scurrying out of his
belly and devoured the last Kitty Crew member. Although his obesity was
caused by the excessive amount of peanut butter he comsumed, it was due
to the old lady who was in the study of male gerbil bith giving who has
laced the peanut butter with female hormones. The killer instinct came
from PMS and it was transferred to his four children who were cross
dressers and they were all attracted to male and female limmings. They
were so attracted in fact, that they were willing to participate in
their annual mass suicide, but lucky for them they fell off the clif
into four trunks where they and their significant others living off
nothing but peanut butter...
October 26 2006
dunno how to explain it, but i'll try my hardest.
i'verealized lately how much i act and put on this show for everyone. even for myself...and i haven't caught myself until lately.
i went to the judgment, and during the scenes everything hit me hard. i had been covering up this lie for so long...i just started bawling. i don't know what happened...but i cried a good 30 minutes or so afterwards + during the actual thing. it's really hard to explain. when i saw all of the
scenes (which by the way have all happened to me in one way or another) i realized how much i take my life for granted and i do stupid
things...without realizing how much it affects my personal life with christ.
i've fallen so far away...haven't been making much room for my "quiet time"...i've not been picking up my bible, i don't pray as often as i should. i don't know. i felt like i had been faking "happy go lucky christian" all this time and didn't even know the real meaning of having a relationship with jesus christ.
yeah. i screwed up pretty big this time.
i've been hiding and throwing all of my own problems on the
backburner..hoping no one would ever see them. only i would know what was in the back of my mind. and i've been hiding so much for so long. i just needed a pressure valve last night. someone to open it up and let all the steam out. yeah, thanks for being there chris (morgan). i just felt like breaking down in someone's arms. at the moment, i felt so
unloved and unwanted. it just all rushed in at once.
yeah, there's probably no one reading this, but that's okay. i need to get it out of my system.
i hope that if you are though, and i've hurt you in ANY way, shape, or form...i truly appologise. i really haven't been myself lately...and everything triggered anger. and when i say everything, i mean it. i was so vulnerable and satan took advantage of me.
just keep me in your prayers while i'm working everything out with my heavenly father. we need "the talk" again. i need to get some rules set down in my life. bear with me while i'm learning all over again to fall in love with him.
October 22 2006
hmm...yeah, you know i'm cool =]
yeah, i'm crazy. but that's fine...cause i'm finally me for once. =]
yeah, love you guys..
October 18 2006
guess who's an idiot?
Current mood: embarrassed
yep, that's me!
pretty sure that tonight's praise and worship in youth group was
AMAZING (good job russ and david)...well, of course i was the one to
ruin it for everyone!
so, we were in the middle of a song and i
heard a phone ringing...and it sounded like mine, but i knew for sure
that i had put it on vibrate for that reason right before church
started..like when russ starting playing guitar..i swear i did! and i
was talking to myself and saying "holy crap, if someone doesn't pick up
that freakin phone i'm gonna hurt someone...it's definitely hindering
me from worshipping fully" hahahaha...yeah, well. it never stopped. so
i reached down and pushed the button that makes it stop ringing like if
you get a phone call, and it didn't go off, so i was like..."okay, it's
not my phone after all...whew.."
well....BJ just out of
nowhere starts laughing at me and i didn't know why. i mean, i must
have seriously picked up a blonde gene somewhere tonight. ughhhh...so
after praise and worship was over, it was still ringing, and by this
point i was soooo aggrivated. i actually thought it was david cause
when it started to ring, he kinda chuckled and went on. dang it. i was
sooo flipping blonde.
so, after i figured out everyone was
staring at me (it took me a while..ugh) i pulled out my phone and
somehow it was on driving mode and there was a reminder for allie's
18th birthday party and it was going off..and for schedule reminders,
you have to manually open up the phone, go through the menu, and then
turn it off.
so yeah, there's my interesting moment of the day.
i felt like a complete idiot! hahaha..
i turned like a shade of bright fire-engine red. i could feel it.
i hate being embarrassed. ughhhhhh!!!!
oh well. at least everyone else got a kick of it.
maybe they'll forgive me? lol.