[just some writing...]

September 10 2007
turning from the radiance and walking toward the shadows
is something i had done for so long…
i thought i had lived my life long enough to be capable
of telling the differentiation amid the two
but i couldn't have been more mistaken in life.
i had no initiative to where i was going or what i was doing
and i still don't to this day.
i permit myself to saunter so far into the obscurity that now,
i don't even know the way out.
i reach for assistance and can't locate it anywhere
it's almost as if i'm out here unaccompanied…waiting for something
either something good or something appalling. i have no idea.
i let my thoughts get the best of me
and now i let them go far enough to baffle me
and i don't know what to do, or even what to believe.
i have been performing like i'm utterly in the light
and people are persuaded that i am in the illumination…
but i couldn't be farther from it.
i'm so far past that position, that i don't even know where i'm located at the moment.
if there was something to point me in the right course,
i wouldn't even have adequate intellect to know where it pointed.
i'm so misplaced and misdirected and no one can tell
so no one attempts to stretch out a hand and aid.
only the times i collapse is when people can tell
that i'm really not all right..and i used to be a reasonably strong individual
which is why i don't collapse habitually.
although it seems to be occurring more and more now.
perhaps one of these days i will be able to come across the way out
and maybe one of these days i will obtain my life back
i will have my contentment, my smile, my happiness back
when i can take pleasure in living life.
because right now i don't have anything to look forward to
nothing to look back on and remember
nothing to smile about, too much to weep about
and i don't know how to handle it all.
so many emotions that are and aren't flowing at the same time
leaves me bewildered at all times.
it's so perplexing that i don't even experience emotion
so confused that i don't even have anything to think about
because everything is so mixed up in my mind.
my mind that has been beleaguered for years.
i've been trodden, left to expire, and not cared about
i don't know why anyone would care now.
it just doesn't make sense.
people state they comprehend it all when they, in reality, don't.
they have NO idea what it's like to suffer this way
they don't know what it's like when you have no one to turn to
and you don't have a shoulder to shed tears on
and you don't have people you can just converse with about anything
mostly, when it feels like you don't fit in anywhere
you feel like an orphan, a stray.
not many people have felt this before
and i don't know why i had to be one of them…
will i ever discover my way out of this total obscurity?
will i ever be able to exist again?
will i ever be able to feel like i belong?
these are all questions that i reflect on all the time
but i don't know when any of them will be answered.
if you don't truly want to assist, don't talk to me.
i must uncover my true friends, if i have any
and work on trying to get out of this place of anguish
before it gets too out of hand and i'm here for eternity.
for those of you who played games with my mind,
thank you for letting me get to this point.
thank you for not doing anything.
thanks so much for pushing me to the edge.
now i'm here…waiting…for something, someone…