June 02 2007
constantly, i feel like i can't hold on any longer.
when i'm at the conclusion of my rope…
and i still have miles to go before i'm at the bottom of my valley on the ground.
when the end keeps getting closer and closer
and all i can do is watch and wait for it to be over.
i feel like i'm trapped and no matter what endeavor i formulate
or how hard i press on and strive, i will never achieve anything.
so i keep hanging on for precious life
waiting for something or someone to come rescue me
or waiting for the end.

i don't know how to handle this kind of stress
all the anxiety that's been weighing on my mind for so long
wondering if i have something to anticipate in the morning or not.
…or if i'll even manage 'til morning…
sometimes i don't even desire to. sometimes i wish it'd all just cease
and i could have my true happiness back.
my old life. the way i used to feel.
not having to question, worry, or lose sleep over everything.

i know that some of you assume i'm too extreme or crazy.
that's all right. you haven't been where i've been.
you haven't walked where i have walked.
you don't know what i've seen or what i've experienced.
you have no idea how i feel and how i think.
so many things tally up to make me what i am at this moment in time…
and even though i'm not faultless, i am who i desire to be
well, when you deduct the melancholy.

i'm eager for a change.
i don't want her to feel pain any longer.
i don't want her to have to experience this any longer.
i wish i could take it for her..i truly, honestly do.
and all i can do, is pray.
that's it. and to me, it just doesn't appear like it's sufficient.
but, i'm just a teenaged girl…no wealth, no verve, no supremacy.
just me. and it's not adequate. it never will be.
i love her.
and i'll keep on waiting for my happy conclusion
whether it comes or not.