[letting it go]

May 31 2007
i discover myself wanting something so terribly it hurts.
wishing i could alter things about myself to make things happen.
but i know that i must obliterate this obsession from memory.

i'm much too juvenile to be this attached to something so mature.

i've tried this once before and failed.
i only dug myself a deeper grave.
becoming excessively misplaced in my emotions...
letting them control my existence.
i don't want to relive those moments.
by only wanting something i couldn't possess.
caused myself to fill a void that i fashioned for myself.
i still sense the ache within my heart.
and still desire that i would never have considered any of this.
occasionally, my thoughts threaten my welfare.
putting myself into situations i'd rather not be a part of.
but i know that i'll be all right. i just have to keep telling myself
that despite the fact that i want this so horribly, i'll have to allow it to fade away.
i'll have to let it go no matter how bad it hurts…
no matter how much i'll lament releasing it.
don't think i'll be capable of looking it in the eyes with unchanged manner.
i'll always have recollections of the long lost history…
but i know this is for the better…i just have to be strong

and let it go.

here it goes. i'm throwing it over the edge,
into the profound, sinister, abyss..
never to be seen once more.

i sense the grip of my hand gradually lose its influence.
as the obsession that apprehended me for so long
floats downward at a steady velocity.
a few moments later, vanished from sight.
gone forever.

i can, at last, breathe once more
and salvage my previous being.


June 02 2007
um, don't be ridiculous. you ARE beautiful. very beautiful.