she lives from day to day

the shadows dancing round

her face

                  her soul

casting long black figures

slowly swallowing           life

                      light

hope

but watch closely

look into her eyes

see the light

[without]

the sun shining

on her face

in her eyes

reflecting                    

revealing

only a symbol

(phantom)

of the true light

within

the hope she has

                                 the dreams she holds

cradles                    

                          nurtures

she fights her battles alone

an army of one

beside ten thousand allies

invisible

intangible

inconquerable

she is strong but never silent

sure of where her strength comes from

one day, one girl army will overcome

it seems as though a plot has arisen...

                 ...as a phoenix from the ashes

      [i love that phrase]

happiness is just a word to me
and it might've meant a thing or two
if i had known the difference
emptiness, a lonely parody
and my life, another smoking gun
a sign of my indifference

always keeping safe inside
where no one ever had a chance
to penetrate a break in
let me tell you some have tried
but i would slam the door so tight
that they could never get in

kept my cool under lock and key
and i never shed a tear
another sign of my indifference
fear of love or bitter vanity
that kept me on the run
the main events of my confession

i kept a chain upon my door
that would shake the shame of Cain
into a blind submission
the burning ghost without a name
was still calling all the same
but i just wouldn't listen

the longer i'd stall, the further i'd crawl
the further i'd crawl, the harder i'd fall
i was crawlin' into the fire

the more that i saw, the further i'd fall
the further i'd fall, the lower i'd crawl
i kept fallin' into the fire

suddenly it occured to me
the reason for the run and hide
had totaled my existence
everything left on the other side
could never be much worse than this
but could i go the distance

i faced the door and all my shame
tearin' off each piece of chain
until they all were broken
but no matter how i tried
the other side was locked so tight
that door, it wouldn't open

i gave it all that i got and started to knock
shouted for someone to open that lock
i just gotta get through the door
and the more that i knocked, the hotter i got
the hotter i got, the harder i'd knock
i just gotta break through the door

gotta knock a little harder
gotta knock a little harder
gotta knock a little harder
break through the door

the darkness grows inside
this night is overwhelming
we've got to find the light
but the closer we get to it
the larger our shadows become

Polonius:
That he is mad, 'tis true: 'tis true 'tis pity;
And pity 'tis 'tis true: a foolish figure;
But farewell it, for I will use no art.
Mad let us grant him, then: and now remains
That we find out the cause of this effect,
Or rather say, the cause of this defect,
For this effect defective comes by cause:
Thus it remains, and the remainder thus.
Perpend [consider]-
I have a daughter.

pretty sure i just watched v for vendetta. it was freaking amazing. easily the best movie i've seen in a very long time.

"Disdaining fortune with his brandished steel
Which smoked with bloody execution"

"Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. There is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof."

if you ever wrote an autobiography, what would you name it?

mine would be "young neanderthal"

"last time i followed my heart... it broke."
-kelly

as cynical as it sounds, it's true of most of us. we had our hearts broken, and it will happen again and again, until that one day that two broken hearts will come together to create a new, whole one.

i wait for that day.

man, these past few days have been confusing, very interesting, and extremely fun. i haven't had this much genuine fun in a long time. why, you ask? [who am i kidding, no one's asking, but i'll tell you anyways]

saturday i got to go to orientation at nissan for my prospective summer job. it shouldn't even be called orientation, more like sit and watch a safety video before spending 7 hours attaching and detaching bolts, screws and nuts to pointless pieces of metal which would quite easily be classified as modern art if only they were about 20 times larger. we're talking extreme monotony here. like, shoot yourself in the head because it would probably give you more of a sensation than this crap. i could feel my soul slipping away and being held captive by my future blue-collar job.
luckily for me, i happened to make quick friends with a certain cortney brothers who looks a good deal like a certain aimee davis. i seriously thought she might be aimee's older sister until i found out she was nothing of the sort. we spent much of our time laughing at the extremely bad 80's-style eye safety video with gambling allusions and was literally called "you bet your eyes." the entire hour-long torture can be wrapped up in the phrase "wear goggles." then we spent the remaining 7 hours racing each other to see who can perform our pointless and mundane tasks the quickest.

sunday i didn't even get to go to church cause i had to pack for our bpa trip to state finals in nashville. i was competing in html and hadn't studied or prepared in the least [classic example of senioritis]. we left siegel and went to the music city sheraton, who was hosting the conference. the 4 guys had two rooms, the 4 girls were all in one, and our two teachers kept an entire suite for themselves. needless to say, the suite became our hang-out zone. after a while i go in for my hour-long test which i finish in 25 minutes. when i arrive back at the suite, i find none other than the infamous DDR mat layed out on the floor.
for a quick explanatory note, i had never, ever played DDR before, though i had long wanted to. so as time goes by, i finally decide to give it a try, and i got hooked. bad. i picked it up very easily, probably because of percussion, and before the trip was over i was running through all of the standard levels and making a's [for those who actually know what i'm talking about]. it was a whole lot of fun. i still have the songs stuck in my head. we also watched some movies and tv and the like.
and man, there were some weird kids here. one kid was caught puking his guts all over the hall and expelled for drinking. another black girl walked out in the middle of the hall smoking a cigarette [which is also against the rules]. oh, and the woman across the hall from us was insane. she's bringing a group of high school students to a business professionals conference and taping their doors shut at 11. seriously, if your kids are so bad that you have to tape them into their room, don't bring them! as if that wasn't bad enough, she's patrolling the halls, fully dressed at 2 in the morning, listening through her kids' doors. then she scowls at us as we're leaving our teachers' suite 2 hours past curfue because we were watching wedding crashers with them, so we decide to take all the tape off her doors when she walks around the corner.
on monday night we came back to siegel to watch our basketball team win 76-67 [what an interesting score], and yesterday we went to opry mills, which proved to be infinitely less interesting that i had hoped. i did buy a book, though [V. by Thomas Pyncheon], and then a grande marble mocha machiatto, and sat down to read said book while drinking said coffee-laden product.

then today was the awards ceremony, a.k.a. go into a grand ballroom and sleep on the floor, even though our beds were much more comfortable. i actually won second place in html, which didn't entirely surprise me. the best part of it is that i get to go to bpa nationals in orlando from may 10-14 [the last week for seniors...], and the others that came to state will be allowed to come nationals, too. i'm mostly happy about this because i got to know them better, though it'd be a lie to say i want them all to come. the worst part of it is that almost all of the money will have to be raised by us. so, if anyone wants to donate or can think of any corporate sponsers, let me know. or if youre at siegel, by our snow cones. we'll probably start selling them at the end of the week.

so i guess that's that.

Memento

i reach into the place where
i hold my memories of days passed;
the symbols of my life from years gone.
i pull out boxes hidden away
where i myself would not find
until the day i should stumble upon them.
fondly i open and gaze at all
the contents, and the many memories
flit swiftly across my mind. i smile
at the chance to remind myself
of what my life was, and is,
and begin to wonder what is yet to be.
the countless pictures cross my fingers,
and the many papers scribbled with
your elegant writing in the margin space.
i recall when we first met,
the many troubles that filled our days,
the endless hours we would spend together.

my life was lived for you,
but you were only for yourself
and in the end, my own heart was spent–
empty and bare, cold and dead,
the life and hope bled out
into you. yes, perhaps it was
my own fault, and now i know
to place my faith in more than flesh,
my hopes into One who can sustain them.
i return the things to their proper places–
the pain of the past is hard to bear
but perhaps years from now, i'll rediscover
this sanctuary of my past
and look through it with only pleasure,
the pain being long behind us both.
as for now, they are but reminders
of all that you once were to me
but are no more, and never again shall be.

*and before anyone asks, this is about no one in particular*

i just might join the episcopal church.
seriously.

Do you like me?
[ ] yes
[ ] no

check one

my weekend was [mostly] boring. most of my time i spent sitting around wishing that someone happened to be in town to do something with. especially with one weekend and model un going on, my friend list was rather depleted.

friday night i ate with roy's family [my mom's fiance]. it was a lot of fun but the fact that within a year, Mr. Davenport might very well die of cancer made it hard to truly enjoy my time.

and then i heard about Danyelle's death. that wasn't exactly the most encouraging thing i had heard in a while. i went to her visitation yesterday, and i must say that seeing a closed casket was much harder to bear than any of the open caskets i've crossed. i really want to go to her funeral today, but unfortunately i can't.

tomorrow, i get to go the ranstad building in smyrna for my job interview. funfunfuuuun...*looks around hastily for a sharp pen* i'm hoping to work for nissan this summer, in their summer temp program. basically, you work full-time during the summer and come out with a good five grand. hopefully, i won't have to work during the school year, and simply focus on school and not school, without that whole job/money thing getting in the way.

so yeah, life is pretty interesting right now.

on a slightly related note, so are dreams. i hardly ever have dreams. it's literally been months since i've had a dream. and even when i do have dreams, it almost never involves people i actually know. now, for two nights in a row, i've had dreams involving a particular person, and i'm left to wonder WHAT THE HECK?!?! it's hard to explain how incredibly unusual it is. and the identity of the person in question makes it even more bizarre… and how this person in intricately involved in the massive chaos known as my life.

any answer is better than the confusion.

drop the ball, watch it fall far below
suck you in, hold your breath
the undertow creeps in slow
everyone owns a gun deep inside
it's just a matter of how much you let it slide

help me, help you
they won't be there
help me, help you
they won't see

it hurts when you need me
and I can't break your fall
and it hurts when you can't see
and it hurts...

drop the switch, scratch the itch, watch it grow
inch by inch, the cutting board
watch it swing to and fro
everyone carries one deep inside
it's just a matter of how much you let it slide

it hurts when you're lonely
and i'm standing right beside you there
and it hurt when you told me
that you'll try this on your own

i hope you never hurt, i hope you never cry
i hope you don't lose your way tonight
i hope you never crumble, i hope you never fall
i hope you never throw away it all

drop the ball, watch it fall below far below
suck you in, hold your breath, watch it swing...

it starts with one thing
i don't know why
it doesn't even matter how hard you try
keep that in mind; i designed this rhyme
to explain in due time

all i know
time is a valuable thing
watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
watch it count down to the end of the day
the clock ticks life away

it's so unreal
i didn't look out below
watch the time go right out the window
trying to hold on, but didn't even know
wasted it all just to

watch you go
i kept everything inside and even though i tried
it all fell apart; what it meant to me
will eventually be a memory
of a time when

i tried so hard
and got so far
but in the end
it doesn't even matter
i had to fall
to lose it all
but in the end
it doesn't even matter

one thing
i don't know why
it doesn't even matter how hard you try
keep that in mind; i designed this rhyme
to explain in due time

i tried so hard
in spite of the way you were mocking me
acting like I was part of your property
remembering all the times you fought with me
i'm surprised it

got so far
things aren't the way they were before
you wouldn't even recognize me anymore
not that you knew me back then
but it all comes back to me

in the end
you kept everything inside and even though i tried
it all fell apart; what it meant to me
will eventually be a memory
of a time when...

i've put my trust in you
pushed as far as i can go
and for all this
there's only one thing you should know

4 calls...that's how many i got.

3 of those calls were from bob, with telecommunication services
1 was from ben, who didn't even see the post


well i feel a whole lot better
[where's the rope?]

i was in a really good mood
but now i'm not.

in fact, i feel kinda depressed...


man, i don't understand myself anymore
none of it makes any sense
life makes no sense...



does anyone want to hang out?
call me

may have killed the cat; more likely
the cat was just unlucky, or else curious
to see what death was like, having no cause
to go on licking paws, or fathering
litter on litter of kittens, predictably.

Nevertheless, to be curious
is dangerous enough. To distrust
what is always said, what seems,
to ask odd questions, interfere in dreams,
leave home, smell rats, have hunches
do not endear cats to those doggy circles
where well-smelt baskets, suitable wives, good lunches
are the order of things, and where prevails
much wagging of incurious heads and tails.

Face it. Curiosity
will not cause us to die -
only lack of it will.
Never to want to see
the other side of the hill
or that improbable country
where living is an idyll
(although a probable hell)
would kill us all.
Only the curious
have, if they live, a tale
worth telling at all.

Dogs say cats love too much, are irresponsible,
are changeable, marry too many wives,
desert their children, chill all dinner tables
with tales of their nine lives.
Well, they are lucky. Let them be
nine-lived and contradictory,
curious enough to change, prepared to pay
the cat price, which is to die
and die again and again,
each time with no less pain.
A cat minority of one
is all that can be counted on
to tell the truth. And what cats have to tell
on each return from hell
is this: that dying is what the living do,
that dying is what the loving do,
and that dead dogs are those who do not know
that dying is what, to live, each has to do.

yeah . . . brian's pregnant.

so what?

has become nothing more than the desperate attempt to find a hope in the hopeless...