In A Relationship
December 31 2005
Okay so phusebox is officially back and I'm so excited. I can't believe how quickly we get attached to something as unimportant as the internet. Anyway, so I attended Jessica Layne's wedding to Sherman Boyd last night. Was a BEAUTIFUL affair. It has since got me thinking about my own wedding (as if I wasn't doing that anyway). In thinking about that I have decided I need to start compiling ideas, thoughts etc so that if/when that time actually does happen I don't get all caught up in what everyone else thinks is a good idea but stay true to myself and my finace. However at this point I'm looking for ideas, things you've seen or thought of that you want to share, could be anything from decorations to music to traditions that you think are neat or special. Anyway I"m just looking for ideas that I might not come across otherwise. I'm compiling so please if you have anything that you don't mind sharing, feel free! :)
Anyway lots to do, more later. MEW
December 11 2005
So I spent last night dreaming about and today thinking about that book.
I went back and re-read some of it and figured out what it was that kept calling me back. When Angel leaves Michael it is not for lack of love, she is consumed, overwhelmed by her love for him, she doesn't even fully understand it. However, despite her lack of comprehension, she does understand one thing fully, she wants ONLY what is best for this man she loves and who has done so much for her, more than he even knows. In this particular story Angel cannot have children, something Michael desperately wants, even though he knows she cannot have them and has let that go, Angel knows it wounds him deeply. This knowledge is a major contributing factor to why she leaves him the last time, she truly believes he would be better off w/o her, that her being with him has destroyed or prohibited his dreams, she refuses to do this. Because, you see, despite her fighting against it, Angel understands the hardest type of love, sacrifical love. And she embodies it.
It was this realization that struck me so hard yet again. Partly I guess it served as confirmation, I have often believed that someone I loved would truly be better off withouth me, despite what they said. And more than once I have distanced or cut myself off from someone I love, not wanting to, but doing so b/c I believed they would be better off. Many people have thought this foolish, but I guess through this I learned that sacrifical love does exist, its just rare.
However in the book Angel also learns of God, comes to believe and through miraculous God- orchestrated circumstances, comes back to this man she loves. I believe this comes to past to demonstrate God's unyielding mercy, he gives us things even when we don't deserve them. Angel did not deserve Michael's love, but he gave it, and it was for her alone. That is what I'm hoping for, a God-orchestrated love that is above and beyond what anyone could ask for.
I know w/o a doubt there are people in my life due to nothing less than God-direction. It is an awesome phenomena to witness God working directly in your life. I just pray I live up to His expectation and never forget to be grateful for all those I love of which I am so unworthy.
December 10 2005
Approximately five minutes ago I finished reading Redeeming Love by Fracine Rivers. Before picking this book up I was hesitant, after all, "Christian Romance" doesn't sound too exciting does it? Not to say that Christians aren't romantic but very few people talk about it, much capture the essence and wonder of it. Rivers, however, did just that and more. The book itself is about a woman who was sold/forced into prostitution at age eight, eight, after finding out her father had never watned her and her mother had aslo been a prostitute. She lived this way for ten years, not by choice but because she could not escape. She endured unspeakable cruelties at the hands of the men who possessed her. Needless to say by age eighteen she is bitter, hopeless, and a master of pretense and controlling her emotions, she feels nothing. But more disturbing is that she believes she is what they say, she believes she is a mistake, from birth on. In the depths of her barren soul she believes it.
In the book a man comes along, Michael. He is a servant of God. He has waited for God's direction, God leads him to Angel. Michael does not understand does not want the road before him but he takes it. He goes after Angel, climbing into the pit she lives in, he tries to rescue her. Of course she wants nothing to do with it, she's heard it ALL before and its just a matter of time before the words run out. For some it is a short time, for others longer, but regardless, in her mind they are all the same. Men are all the same. She is awful to this kind-hearted man, pushes him away, even when something very small and still begins to unfurl inside the heart she thought no longer existed. Eventually, through MANY trials Michael gets through to her, although not with God's help, a God she denies even while He is working in her. However despite all the obedience and work and progress it turns out that it is not Angel's way of life that is the biggest wall, but yet herself.
This is where the book delves deep for me. Despite his love, Angel, somewhere deep inside, continues to believe what has been said about her all along, even when she doesn't realize its there, the dark voice whispers to her about what she's always known. "It will never change" "It will end" "You don't deserve this man or his love, he will tire of you" "Leave him before he can leave you" "Get out now before he tires of you" "Don't love, it will be the death of you" "Don't hope, its a slow painful death"
These terrible mantras haunt her, even when she consciously banishes them, even when she begins to believe in Michael, begins to fall in love. The dark voice remains. And so she fights, in her fear she pushes him away, she can't need, can't hope, can't love. After all she's seen exactly what its done to the people in her life who have done those foolish things. She pushes him away, runs away. For it is not that she does not love him, she most certainly does, it is her fear. This seemingly indestructible fear that no matter what she does or how deeply she loves or how tightly she holds on, or what she does to please this man that someday, someway she won't be enough. In her mind she will never be enough. So she runs.
It brought me to tears as I saw my own heart's words written on the pages before me. How many times have I let msyelf believe I wasn't enough? How many times have I pushed away the one person I believe I'm meant for because I was scared to need, scared that if I did need, that one day he'd be gone? This character's internal battles are my own, her war with myself is my own. Though my circumstances are different in some ways, the wounds are the same. It is only through God that Angel learns what it is to be whole again. Despite her aching to make herself whole for the man she loves she cannot on her own. Its takes God. And even as she accepts and understands more and more of this God away from the man she loves, she still doubts, the old ghosts, though they can no longer hurt her, they still haunt. But she goes back. And by God's grace alone he is there, waiting, only for her.
I want that. Not that I want to run and have someone come after me. But I want the ONLY YOU kind of love. There was one particular part in which Angel is talking to a friend about how undeserving she is of this man she loves to consumption and her friend says. "Michael choose you." What a wonderful feeling. I believe, by God's grace and mercy, I, too, have been chosen despite my innumerable faults, flaws, and lack of worthiness, by one remarkable, wonderful man. Now if only I can live up to the role. . .
December 04 2005
Okay so I think I'm going to adopt this cat: (I was going to post a picture but it is MIA right now outside) Anyway its solid black with just a few white hairs on his/her little chest!
He/she/it has pretty much adopted me so I don't really think I have a choice but I need a name. Help me out phuse-ers. I need cat names, good ones, no fluffy or kitty kitty. I need imaginative original names, help me out.
December 01 2005
I had an upsetting and somewhat startling revelation last evening. Michael and I were discussing Christmas plans. I recently found out it will work wonderful this year b/c my whole family has to work on Christmas so we're doing it early in Ga at Grans. Which leaves me to have Christmas Eve and Day w/the Fisher family and its extensions. However when I lay thinking about that last night I realized this will be the first time in my entire life, 21 years, that I won't wake up early at home with my family on Christmas morning. I've never woken up alone on Christmas before. It made me cry thinking about it. I mean I'm glad that things won't be so difficult and rushed that day but I guess I hadn't realized this meant being alone on Christmas day. Anyway, not sure how I'm going to handle that, keep me in your prayers please.
November 29 2005
Okay so I'm officially hooked on phusebox! I think its especially neato since it was started and is ran (I presume) but someone from right here in little old M'boro. So its mostly local people, which is neat too.
The dilemma: What to ask for for Christmas!!
Its that time of year and believe it or not, I have a harder time knowing that to ask for than knowing what to buy for whom. Don't get me wrong, I stress over the 'who wants what' too but I really don't know how to answer "What do you want?" I'm just not a "I want, I want" type person. So tell me, what does everyone else want this year, what are you fellow 'phusebox-ers' asking for, for Christmas?!? Let me in on it and maybe give me an idea or two.
More Later - MEW
November 27 2005
I can't believe this much anticipated break is already over, where oh where did it go?!. I can't believe its back to reality in less tahn 9 & 1/2 hours. . . geez. Do I really HAVE to?
A friend and I were discussing tonight how all this had BETTER pay off one day or as he put it, he's gonna be "King Kong Super Pissed". Thought that was an interesting way of putting it. Anyway, bed is calling and I must answer for a short while at least. Love you all - MEW