October 20 2005
I haven't posted in a while, but I haven't really had anything profound to say. I probably still don't, but I am excited about something and it has been a while since I could say that. I'm reading "Captivating" and I must say that I had really high expectations of it when I started reading it after it had been hyped up by everyone who had read it already. It has lived up to every expectation that I had and has even gone beyond that. I'm discovering peace in my femininity and an understanding of who I am in Christ as a woman and the roles that I assume just for being a woman.
I see creation through a whole new light. One of my favorite parts of the book is when they are talking about when God made creation and how with every new thing He added to the earth, it got better and better. This means that Woman was God's final touch, His final brushstroke, if you will, to make His painting complete and perfect. This is very empowering to me. Not in a feminist, "I hate men" way, but in a way that I can see how I, as a woman, am desperately needed in the world and how the world would not be complete without me.
Another interesting part of the book is that all of the desires that women possess are the desires of God. God desires to be loved and chased after and to be desperately needed and wanted. God desires to be regarded as beautiful and captivating. God is also a jealous God, one who wants our full attention and to be regarded as special and irreplaceable. In the same way that I want a relationship with a man who loves me and chases after me and romances me, God wants that same relationship and romance from me. It amazes me to see that God created the depths of my desires to reflect His own. How special that should make any woman feel!
If you haven't noticed, I am fully enjoying learning about how and why God created women and learning to embrace all of the quirks that make me the unique woman that I am. I'm learning to be accepting of myself, inside and out, and to understand that in every woman, there is an undescribable beauty that is a reflection of God's very nature. All of this and I've only read two chapters of the book! I can't wait to see what else is in store!
October 05 2005
September 29 2005
September 22 2005
But why? Why must these lessons be so heartbreaking to learn? Why can't God just say, "Jaimee, I'm all you need...Thanks for playing." It seems much simpler that way. I understand that God has to break us, though, and I know that it's during those broken times that I have truly become closer to Him. It just sucks while I'm going through it. It sucks to not be able to trust the one person I thought I could count on no matter what. It sucks to know that the plans I had for and with that person were not God's plans at all, but only my substitution for His plans. Why can't one male person in my life truly be worth investing my time into? Why is it that every time I put my trust in a guy, he never fails to prove to me that I was foolish to ever let my guard down in the first place? What are you trying to tell me, God? Wow, I'm just really confused and shocked and hurt right now and that's blatantly obvious through all of the rambling I just went through, but it's only the truth. I can't even put into words what I'm feeling; how I'm hurt by this, and that's only the beginning.
I found out a couple of days ago that my youth pastor and his wife (with whom I am very close) were going to have a baby. I was so excited and so were their kids, and the youth group. She went yesterday to get her ultra sound and the baby didn't have a heartbeat; the baby had died. How awful! How heartbreaking!
My very close family friend from home, who just graduated from high school is pregnant...again. It's her second child and I'm not even sure how she keeps up with the first. Her family is so broken by this and so is my family. She needs as many prayers as she can get.
Even through all this, God is amazing. Even through tattered friendships and broken hearts, His love endures and will not turn away even when we are at our lowest. He knows our needs for companionship, and He is there to be our best friend even when we feel like we don't really have anyone. He knows our needs for compassion and forgiveness, and He is there to shower that mercy and grace upon us, even when we can't forgive ourselves. He loves me and I love Him, and I'm looking forward to growing more intimate in our relationship.
September 15 2005
I know that a lot of the reason I'm so frustrated is that my quiet times have been lacking, if not non-existent lately and I hate that. I really want to put God first in everything that I do, but somehwere along the way I have turned into the person that says, "I'm too busy, God." Such an idiotic statement, I know. God is in control of everything, including my rigorous schedule and if I would just make time for Him before anything else, then He would make it a lot easier to deal with.
I'm just really confused right now about people and their actions and words in general. I can't see why some people would be the way that they are, stringing others along and eventually dragging them through the dirt simply for their own personal ego trip and enjoyment. I can't see why some people think they are righteous or any better than anyone else. Most of all, I can't see why the people who are friends with these confusing people don't see it! They think the people who are treating them like crap are just great! I wish they would take a look from the outside looking in...
Other than that, I'm pretty much just ready to get the whole rush thing over with so that my life can be somewhat back to normal, whatever that is. :)