being sick made me miss my last: football homecoming parade , football blaze bash , homecoming football game , and the crowning of one of my friends as queen .

made me miss seeing mr. jolley who showed up for the game.

made me miss performing the halftime show twice .

made me miss the announcement of the band trip. san antonio, tx .

just when i hoped things wouldnt get worse .

::ben

How can one person have so much control over your emotions, whether you let them or don't want them to? The same person giving you some of your best memories, and taking you to your lowest lows.

I wish I could runaway from this problem.

Yet I would give everything I have to fix it.

*sigh*

when september ends.........

Happy Day for Labor....

hehe..got this from jess, havent done one in a long time!
[ ] I am bisexual

[ ] I am homosexual

[ ] I've run away from home

[??? I listen to political music

[ ] I collect comic books

[yes, unfortunately ] I shut others out when I'm sad

[strangers, sometimes. Very few people, usually] open up to others easily

[possibly…] keeping a secret from the world

[usually some form] I watch the news

[mmhmm ] I own over 5 rap CDs

[Proud owner ] I own an ipod.

[ nope] I own something from Hot topic

[Aladdin and the lion king rock] I love Disney movies.

[yes…] I am a sucker for eyes

[ ] I don't kill bugs

[ ] I curse regularly.

[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.

[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation.

[never had it] I love Spam (as the food)

[cookies, sometimes] I bake well

[I don’t think so] I would wear pajamas to school.

[yep, shorts and a few shirts] I own something from Abercrombie

[yes, except for winter] I have a job

[ ] I love Martha Stewart.

[I hate this typing] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS...

[sometimes] I am self conscious

[often!] I like to laugh.

[ ] I smoke a pack a day.

[ ] I loved Go Ask Alice.

[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.

[ ] I can't swallow pills.

[only a couple] I have many scars

[nope L] I've been out of this country

[ ] I believe in ghosts.

[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room

[rarely…but sometimes] I am really ticklish.

[amazing…and with peanut butter? mmmmmmm] I love chocolate

[ ] I bite my nails

[yep ] I am comfortable with being me.

[ sometimes] I play computer games/video games when I'm bored

[coming out of the subway once in NYC, it took me some time to find my direction ] Gotten lost in the city

[yes, it was neat] Saw a shooting star.

[only minor ] I had a serious Surgery.

[yep I have ] Gone out in public in your pajamas

[ ] I have kissed a stranger.

[ yes] Hugged a stranger

[only in the movies-with brian] been in a fist fight with the same sex.

[ ] Been arrested.

[I think maybe in elementary school]Laughed and had milk/soda come out of your nose.

[mmhmm J ]Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.

[nope, but it is quite…interesting] Made out in an elevator.

[ ] Swore at your parents.

[ ] Kicked a guy where it hurts...

[ ] Been skydiving

[ ] Been bungee jumping.

[middle toe on my right foot ] Broken a bone.

[no, but it might be fun] Played spin the bottle.

[nope ] Gotten stitches

[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.

[ ] Bitten someone.

[what a cool thing….but no ] Been to Niagara Falls.

[in kindergarden] Gotten the chicken pox.

[had a car crash into me L] Crashed into a car

[ ] Been to Japan

[yep…I

Journal entry dated December 12, 2004:


Forbidden love is the most passionate.


"I had a dream the other night...it was very unprecedented. It was about one girl, a very beautiful girl...One night, quite late, I find myself running for my life from people I can't identify. Through an abandonded warehouse I sprint, frantically looking for an escape. A set of double doors are ahead, the kind that have a distinct look of leading into a commercialized kitchen. I burst through the doors, and appear to have temporarily confused those hunting me. As I look around to gain my bearings, I see her, standing for no apparent reason in front of an old freezer. This girl, through unwritten but understood rules, had been theoretically forbidden to me. I stop running from-- and worrying about-- the people chasing me. I slowly walk up to her, admiring her beauty. I then hold her tight, very tight. As if letting go would symbolize discovery by those attempting to find me. Not a hint of air passes between our bodies, yet it was not in any way sexual in nature. Then, unexpectedly, I lean in and kiss her. Not a long drawn out kiss, but not a superficial peck either. It was a simple kiss, but it had so much meaning and hidden desire wrapped into it. I pull back, though, and I step back and I tell her that it can't work, that we can't be together. I continue saying, "They (referring to people she knows) won't approve of this and they won't let it happen." She simply responds, "Don't worry about them, this (gesturing to "us") is more important. I will handle it..." and we proceed with one more short but amazing kiss and a short hug, and then the memory is gone, ending quickly.

That dream gave me an amazing feeling. I want it to happen. But she doesn't know, and she probably never will....

But it felt incredible."

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.



What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

[all of the things that I want to say]

this, the beginning of the conclusion of the first period of my life.

[just aren't coming out right]

from birth to present, the last chapter in the first portion of my life.

[I'm tripping inwards]

what i dont know, can't predict, is whether this last chapter is the resolution to the first part of my life story.

[you got my head spinning]

or does it contain the climax, yet to be written?

[I don't know where to go from here]

is there a plot twist?

[there's something about you now]

my character...is it static, unchanging, or is it dynamic?

[I can't quite figure out]

who plays an important role, especially with all the possibilities?

[everything she does is beautiful]

how many alternate endings are there?

[everything she does is right]

which scenes would i delete if i was director?

[I can't keep up]

who would want to read it?

[and I can't back down]

is it going to be predictable, suspenseful, comical?

[I've been losing so much time]

and how much of it will affect the next part of my life?

[cause it's you and me and all of the people]

who will prove loyal, and who will prove superficial?

[with nothing to do]

and who will prove crucial?

[nothing to lose]

what drama will unfold?

[and it's you and me and all of the people]

what new emotions will i feel?

[and I don't know why]

i'm anxious to find out.

[I can't keep my eyes off of you.]

::ben



Now Playing: "You and Me" by Lifehouse

[thanks to nathan for introducing me to lifehouse]

Hope.

And once again I am left on the edge of my seat with a stellar ending...starving for more...and yet having to wait another two years before this gripping story is resolved.

Sigh....

What to do to pass the time?

It's good to be back.

Leaving Friday night for this...



photo from ben


photo from ben


photo from ben


photo from ben


photo from ben


photo from ben


photo from ben

It should be fun. Hope I dont miss you guys again too much. Remember I am leaving Friday, if you want to see me, we gotsta do something before then.

I love you

::ben

When you get a wound, you are usually involved in some activity that is risky in some manner. Your first scratch hurt when you were young and inexperienced. But since you are young, you don't really learn from that mistake. You continue to make the same mistake repeatedly, and after a couple scratches, you do learn from that mistake. You grow older, you get riskier--with more potential to get hurt. You get that first deep wound. You notice that it lasts much longer than the scratches you obtained when you were a child. It takes more time to heal. To protect the open wound, you place bandages over it. After a short amount of time, you decide to take the bandage off. To you, the quicker healing process is worth the risk of jeopardizing the wound...making it vulnerable to infection or more damage. But you continue to find joy in the activity that caused the wound, and it does get hurt again, even worse. Once again the bandage goes on...this time for a longer period of time. After hard times, you see that the wound is almost healed and you are ready to try the same activity once again. The bandage comes off...and everything seems wonderful, as if it may finally be getting better...for good. But a quick end this feeling comes to...for a quick fall you take. Hitting the same part of you, creating a large and very damaged wound. The bandage returns to its residence protecting the wound. At this point you aren't sure as to how much more this wound can take...

I don't know if i can take the bandage off this time...


With all the aspirations for success and prosperity that I have, I have understood that it is specualtion...dreams if you will. Hopes for the future.

One thing that I am certain about is that I know that I can be fulfilled...be successful. Loving another with all my heart will fulfill any desire that I have for success.

That is and always will be enough.

"I am no one special, just
a common man with common thoughts. I've led a
common life.
There are no monuments dedicated
to me. And my name will soon be forgotten. But in
one respect. I've succeeded as gloriously as anyone
who ever lived.
I've loved
another with all my heart and soul and for me that
has always been enough."

::ben

Just found out something...
I wish I hadn't.

I couldn't wait to come home.
Now I can.

I still love you...
and I still miss you...

::moser

Amongst the great minds at Governor's School, I have conquered the world 2 times over. Two different worlds at that: one win in Classic Risk, and one win in LOTR Risk.

And I must retire from Risk here, for the hours spent on the game (most likely 20+ in two games) I desperately need to work on our Business Plan. Therefore I will not be defending my crown nor attempting the triple crown (or hat trick).

In other news, today I worked a Soap Box Derby Race here in Cookeville, and it was pretty neat. I got to see all the emotions on the youngsters. The rejoicing, the crying, the disappointed. It was a good experience.

Tomorrow I have a free day, so besides church, I will be chilling or working on the Business Plan.

Next weekend we will be going to Gatlinburg so that should be interesting.

[I think about you countless times every day...and I want to see your face. I miss being there for you. I love you without fail. And I look forward to the day I see you once again.]

::ben

My newest toy...



photo from ben

::ben

Today is my birthday!

17.

i love you!

::ben

I am having a lot of fun with the people here at GSchool. A new camp came in yesterday...it's called ACE Camp. It is for inner-city youth....and they are loud! There is only one caucasian in the entire group, and it happens to be one of the two counselors...for 40 kids. hehe. They play loud music late at night too. its funny. we have three indian (India) guys here and when the ACE Camp kids are around they use indian accents, but they really dont have any at all. its hilarious. especially when they talk about hip hop. ....

My toe is feeling better, i have learned to walk and run on it without too much pain. I found out that i did actually break it though. so it will hurt for a while but i think its all good. I've played four basketball games and three volleyball games on it. it still hurts to move it around though.

I miss you guys a lot. I get to see my family this weekend, but i wish i could see you guys too. We are taking a trip to Opry Mills if any of you want to meet me there ;) hehe.

My birthday is in two days. Wednesday i turn 17. fun fun. i dont know what they do here for birthdays, but ive heard they do something. i hope that it isnt hazing...lol. Well i have learned that internet radio comes in handy often. I better head on though, i slept through most of my second class today. hehe. im bad. but i am learning how to program websites with html and ASP.NET...(i know most of you out there did not understand that at all...but some of you might. before i got here, i didnt know either...but it sounded fun).

I miss you.

I love you.

:)

::ben

Yeah I've been gone now. And i miss you all. especially you guys i see all the time. and those i wish i could see more often ;) i just got back from the fitness center, and i hurt my right middle toe REALLY really bad. i dont think its broken, but it hurts a lot. anyways my classes are really...interesting. the only interesting one is the first one, so the other two i surf the net. hehe. i learned i really like photoshop. i better get back to work. i have to write all the documents that our group is doing, so it kinda stinks. anyway ill be around later. i love you guys!

::ben

I'm in class right now and I'm supposed to be learning ASP.NET but I dont want to. Its not too interesting right now, and I can kind of read what it is. Its like reading french, i can kinda see whats going on. anyways hopefully i can get into it more...i usually do trial and error to figure out what stuff does...i dont think ill have time to figure out with trial and error. oh well. wish me luck-ill update later

::ben