so. tonight was uber-fun. went to Freshman orientation. man. so many people. it looks like a decent crowd. so i'm excited about school starting. i miss all of my friends. i completely misjudged DBS. i mean, i didn't think it was horrible to begin with, but i was just uneasy. i really learned a lesson tonight in not judging people by their appearances. see, tonight was the skating party, and i wasn't even gonna go, because i thought all the older girls were snobby. but i was completely wrong. i just made my assumptions based on the way they looked, and i was completely blown away by how sweet and normal everyone was. so i'm really excited. another thing that was bothering me was that i was afraid that i was supposed to live up to some kind of expectations that these girls would have of me, or like i wouldn't be accepted, and then i realized that i've been being "just Cari" all year, and they still rushed me, so i don't really have anything to worry about. Satan totally tries to use my insecurities to keep me from learning and growing, and tonight i really realized that and was able to overcome that. it was so cool today too, how i was so worried about all the money issues and stuff, and i opened up my Bible, and the verse i came to was the one about how God provides for the lilies of the field and the birds, and how much more he cares for me and how i shouldn't worry about those things because God is Jehovah Jireh, God my provider. so. i'm thinkin all is well for now home-skillets. thanks for all the advice and comments. ------Cari

*edit*---does anyone else find it funny when people type a single tiny paragraph and get 25 comments?

*edit:part deux*--The Five People You Meet In Heaven is an amazing movie. one of my new favorites. everyone should watch it...

or so the banner in my yard says...so yeah, i had a great time last night. lots of people, lots of fun. i really am excited about being a part of DBS, but for some reason i'm feeling such a sense of unrest. i've never really felt this way before. i need you guys to pray for me. see, my family is running super-low on money right now. i don't even know if we can afford the initiation fee. i can cover half, but i don't know about the rest. i almost feel like this isn't God's will for my life right now. i guess i just need to pray about it. but i'm still pretty excited. it's nice to feel special for once. see, i didn't know that not only does your Big Sister rush you, but you have to be voted on and everything. and i was voted in. so for once, i was someone's first choice. yay rah. but i realized something else as well. i am really lacking in my relationship with God. like, i realized last night that the reason i may be feeling the way i do is because i haven't really spent time with Him at all lately. so i think i'm gonna go do a quiet time now. bye guys. ---Cari

*edit*---- Gossip is not cool. so don't do it.

lord have mercy. i think maybe i'm nocturnal. it's gonna be pretty funny when i get rushed tomorrow night, and i'm just sitting up in my living room watching Conan O'Brien. nah. i guess i'll take a lot of benadryl to make me sleep tomorrow. just watched ER. man, i love that show. oh yeah, and i think i've decided what i want to do with my life. i want to be a neurosurgeon. yay rah. so that means i have around 10 more years of school and the like left. woot. my favorite cousin (second cousin) left today. she's so cool. she's getting married on Sept. 24th, and i get to sing at her wedding! which also means i get to miss school. can't get any better than that. i want school to start. but, as Kelsey and i discussed tonight, as soon as i get there and see everyone, i'll get re-bored (i just made up my own word) and start hating it again. woot. i hope i get to go to lunch w/ Kaitlin tomorrow. but alas, we are poor. but i have money, so it's all good. well, i guess i'm gonna go hit the sack and read a lil bit of The Book From Hell, otherwise known as Silas Marner. g'nite! ----Cari

---i'm re-posting part of my last entry because i think it's important and i want people to actually read it.

i guess i'm content. speaking of contentment, wow. i'm beginning to realize a pattern within all of the books that i have to read for summer. all of them deal with discontented people. almost everyone in these stories is angry about or unhappy with their lives. and anyone who actually seems content is portrayed as bourgeois or stupid. as if the only way to be truly intelligent and enlightened is to be restless and unhappy. how sad. that seems to be the consensus view in today's world. and i just don't agree. so many people around me seem to think that if something was part of their youth, or was taught to them by their parents, that it is automatically wrong and passe. like as soon as you leave your home, you should discard all of your former beliefs. what a crock. people don't seem to understand that a true indicator of an enlightened person is contentment and peace. ---Cari

God, i love Stand By Me. watched The Jacket last night. awesome movie. all ya'll should watch it. may i just say, that people are inconsiderate. especially people on my mom's side of the family. but that's ok. we still love them. but they need to learn some manners. i'm goin to my aunt's house tonight for my grandma's 75th birthday party. fun times. i hope i live to be 75. and i hope i'm as cool as my grandma when i'm 75. also, i realized the other day how much in my life i take for granted. like, my grandparents. or my stuff. or the fact that i'm healthy and were doing all right financially. because for so many people, that's not the case. it's funny how much i complain about petty things, when truly, i have nothing to complain about. i really want school to start. miracle of miracles, i finished my Algebra with no help. wow. i think maybe i'm actually getting smarter. who'da thunk it? ha. but i still have to finish my book reports and Silas Marner. oy vey. i'm excited about Frosh orientation. i hope that this incoming freshman class is cooler than we were. but i doubt it. ha. nayways. yeah. life's good. church tomorrow, which is always a good thing. but lately i kinda wonder. i wish i could try out a new church. but that's not happnin anytime soon. but i guess i'm content. speaking of contentment, wow. i'm beginning to realize a pattern within all of the books that i have to read for summer. all of them deal with discontented people. almost everyone in these stories is angry about or unhappy with their lives. and anyone who actually seems content is portrayed as bourgeois or stupid. as if the only way to be truly intelligent and enlightened is to be restless and unhappy. how sad. that seems to be the consensus view in today's world. and i just don't agree. so many people around me seem to think that if something was part of their youth, or was taught to them by their parents, that it is automatically wrong and passe. like as soon as you leave your home, you should discard all of your former beliefs. what a crock. people don't seem to understand that a true indicator of an enlightened person is contentment and peace. ---Cari

so. last night i watched Stand By Me with my mom. that movie is freakin hilarious. and i'm sorry to say that if i was twelve, i would date Corey Feldman in that movie. but oh well. still working on my school crap. oh yeah. so last night, the hysterical conversations on Stand By Me evoked thoughts of other hilarious convos in other movies...such as the asexual Smurfs convo in Donnie Darko. or the bulimia convo in Zoolander. or the conversations between Cletus and the grandma on Nutty Professor 2. so many funny conversations. nayways. Fahrenheit 451 is a really good book man. i love Ray Bradbury. Silas Marner needs to die. I think i'm giving up and going solely on Sparknotes. soap operas are funny. "Oh Stone! I love you! But i can't have you! Because....YOU'RE MY BROTHER!!!!!!!!". ha. watched a really gay movie called Fear X yesterday. it was all like, good and suspenseful, and then the ending just sucked. i'm still at a loss as to what happened. so. have you ever had something that wasn't really your problem bother you at length? that's what's happnin to me lately. like, i have a friend who i thought was doing something wrong, but they told me that they weren't... and i believe them, but it's still bothering me. and i just don't know what to think. it's very disenchanting when everyone but you seems to be doing all this stuff. and when a lot of the time, it's stuff that they know is wrong. i becomes hard to stand your ground. and that's another facet of my life in which it would be nice to have a best friend. but i don't. and that sucks.

so. i had to miss church tonight because i had to go to my little sister's friend's birthday party. it was ok. there was no one between the ages of 13 and 35. how sad. i played video games. so, i watched Diary of a Mad Black Woman with my mom last night. god, i have never laughed so hard. i swear. went to Marble Slab w/ Rebekah and Elizabeth last night. fun times with Shakonk. (Shashank). i really don't even know the guy. i just love his name. and he's my neighbor. i'm uber-excited about monday night. i'm not supposed to know. but i do. so there. i'm a bit worried about the whole Student Council situation. i have no idea what's goin on. and it doesn't help that Mr. McClellan is weird and scary and hasn't contacted me at all this summer. i think i'm supposed to be at Frosh Orientation on the 9th. but i dunno. i guess i'll just go anyways. i'm still not finished with Silas Marner or Fahrenheit 451. and i'm just now finishing the paper on Ethan Frome. ughh....and i have to do all my algebra work. oh boy. i think i have decided that i'm not gonna date until i find my "guy". as in the one that i'm gonna marry. cause i really just don't think it's necessary. and it's not like i'm gonna get any offers anyway. so i think it's best to just wait until God throws someone at me. which is kind of sad. i mean, i guess i won't say i'll never date, cause obviously that's how i'd get to know that person. but i just mean, at least in high school. so yeah. i haven't done anything with my friends all summer. and my birthday is coming up relatively soon. i'm gonna be sixteen, and i'm not sure what i'm gonna do. any ideas? i don't really wanna have a party. but i guess i'll find something to do. also, if any of you guys are good as Algebra, call me. i'm thinkin i'm gonna need some help. well, that's about it for tonight. bye guys.----Cari

so. today was kinda crappy. woke up at around 1:00 (PM, that is). i'm really bored with summer now. or maybe it's just cause i don't do much of anything. cause i know i don't really want to be back in school. i'm feelin kinda tripped out. and no, i'm not implying that i'm on drugs. i just feel really gross. oh yeah, i got to wake up this morning to the oh so pleasant sounds of my sister violently vomiting. she got food poisoning from a freakin McDonald's burger. like, she was literally green in the face. how sad. i miss my friends. i do want school to start, but i don't want to do any work. ah, such is my life. went to Applebee's and Starbucks with Elizabeth and Rebekah. fun times. possums are scary. and whatever you do, don't drive too slow, or the cops will think you're high. especially if you're going to Wendy's. but seriously, last night was fun. i like having older friends. the conversation is much better. i'm a little (really) pissed that i don't get to go to restaraunt raid tonight. i went to Julia's surprise party on Monday night. it was ok. i was just kinda bored with it all. but it wasn't a total loss. ha. so, i went to, you guessed it, Wal-Mart today. gosh. i hate that place. but it was surprisingly tame today. there was a really beautiful guy there. so that's always nice. we bought this really good ice-cream, and Cameron got a lunchable so all it right and good with the world. well, i gotta go. i guess i'll post later this week...maybe...

the above stated is a song that my brother sang.

ha....i have a profile photo. but it also has Corey in it. oh well. i look like a bit of an angry lesbian.

so. it's just kinda been one of those days. i think restaraunt raid will be fun tonight. that is if people actually show up. but yeah. pretty sure i'm at "gifted" camp this week. (camp for smart/ sorta smart kids.) and i don't mean that in a cocky way. so anyways, it all boils down to a bunch of kids who are "anarchists" sitting in a classroom at MTSU and discussing life and Bob Dylan. which isn't so bad. i've made a few new friends. but some of the kids are just so...bleh. i had to listen to a woman talk about "invasive wildlife and vegetation in TN" today for about and hour + 1/2. but then we listened to Peter, Paul, and Mary songs and talked about how much we (they) all hate America and our bourgeois president. apparently George Bush eats babies for breakfast and then goes out to destroy the rainforests after sending thousands of soldiers to their deaths. it's funny how twisted their minds are. nayways, i find it rather entertaining how liberal all of our professors are. one of mine was a draft dodger for Vietnam. ha! what a patriot. i think they should all just move to Canada and shut up. but then again, without controversy, life would be rather boring. so. we're having a coffee house at the end of the week. i'm not wearing shoes, so i guess that makes me bohemian enough. maybe i should quote lines from Moulin Rouge to make me a complete poser. freedom, beauty, truth and love, baby. also, when i told my professors that my Aunt Kara is touring with Bob Dylan, they almost keeled over. quite funny. so anyways, thanks to all you guys who left me the encouraging comments. i love you guys. gotta go now. seizure on the flip side. but one final word...i'm a bad boy, with a lotta hoes. Drive my own cars and wear my own clothes...i got the roly on my arm and i'm pourin Sean Don and i roll the best weed cause i got it going on. ha. i'm so gay.

so. life is filled with crappy emotions. i am such a girl. i am simultaneously attracted to 2 people. it's funny how some people just get to you. like, people can (and do) criticize me all the time, and it doesn't get to me, but this one person says a single thing to me, and it just kills me. gah. i can't stand this person, and yet somehow i am attracted to them. also, people that lead me on. gosh. can't stand it. but i still find myself attracted to them. i hate my brain. i swear, if i ever get married, it will be to an older guy, because guys my age suck. but god i miss Bruce. for so many reasons. and i am so gosh darn tired of being made to feel stupid or like i am crazy or like i am unhealthily dwelling on the death of my BEST FRIEND. so many people use that term lightly, but i mean it. he was my best friend. and it seems like most everyone else that wasn't close to him has just moved right along. i don't expect everyone to dwell on it. but i'm getting really sick of the fact that everytime i mention Bruce, people either roll their eyes and tell me "Cari, that was a year ago." or tell me that they think it's time i "let bruce go" or bluntly "get over it." i will not get over it, damnit! i loved him, and i think i'm entitled to mention him once in a while. it's only been a year. and not even that. it's been less than 11 months. god. but at least i have plently of people in my life that understand, are not condescending, and do not treat me like crap. i love you guys. well, i'll be ok by tomorrow, but what i said in this entry still stands. goodnight.---Cari

so. 4th of July was peachy. i got hit in the eye with a piece of firework shrapnel. i thought i was blind. it hurt like a mofo. but i had a grrrrreat time. laura's leaving on Saturday for M-Fuge...have fun laura! been driving a lot. fun times. my dad thinks i have an "attitude" when i drive. i just don't respond well to barking. ha. kidding. nayways. my little brother got his stitches out this morning. yay for him. i really want to go to school. i'm bored. but life goes on. i'm excited/nervous as a mug about Rush Week. can't wait. i need to talk to Kaitlin. i feel like i haven't seen her in eons. i miss my Oakland homies. oh, so on my permit test, i managed to only miss 2 this time. yay. fun. so i went to Wal-Mart again yesterday (i know...i live there). yesterday there were at least 2.3 billion people there. and all of them were angry. a little old lady gave me a sample of some weird sausage with what i thought was "cheese" in it. but alas..it was not. so riddle me this. Why on earth would you strap 3 carts together, fill all of them, and then block the aisle completely? inconsiderate? yes. maddening? yes. you would've had to be there. i think i might be a bit of a road-rager. i had to supress the urge to flip about 13 people off yesterday whilst driving. people in murfreesboro are retarded. but then again, i do live between Nashville, Woodbury, Lavergne, and Smyrna. what do i expect?

I GOT MY PERMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so. i am officially retarded. last thursday, i went to the DMV (where you get your permit/license). i was all excited because i was gonna finally get my permit. so i sat down for about an hour and waited amongst the original Hairy Beast from the East, about 45 mexicans, the scariest looking man ever, and the cutest baby ever. so i went back there to take the test, (right next to a wigger in a giant south pole shirt) and i failed it. i got through 21 questions, but it cut me off because i missed 7. they engineer that test to where any Woodbury inbred could ace it, but nooooo...not me. wow. i feel so dumb. but i am actually studying now, and i'm going back on thursday to re-take it. and i will pass it this time. but aside from that....it's funny how God throws people back into my life. and it's also funny how randomly i develop feelings for people. i am such a fickle human being. like, i like this person, but i can't help feeling like it's only for stupid reasons. i don't think i would like this person if i just randomly walked up to them on the street. so i'm just really mixed up right now. also...yesterday, i went to the library. i decided to go across the street and get a Jones soda. but on the way, i just stopped right in front of the courthouse, and it was like i was in a weird movie. There was absolutely NOBODY on the streets, nobody on the sidewalks, and it was all darkish and breezy, and the clock was striking 5. and then this creepy looking man walks out from around the courthouse, looks at me, and keeps walking. freaky. but i guess you would have had to have been there to get the full effect. well. tonight i go to bruce's house. oh joy. what an emotional roller coaster. well, tata and cheerio for now.

p.s.---thanks for all the supportive comments...i love you guys.

have you ever ripped a band-aid off a wound when it's not ready to come off yet? and it just hurts and bleeds, almost worse than when you got injured? that's how i feel right now. so many emotions right now. but most i feel like crap. i was having an okay day. but man. I MISS BRUCE. gah. and i was such a butthead to him. it really is true that you don't know what you've got til it's gone. i was just starting to come to terms with the fact that he's dead. and i just ripped that protective band-aid right off. i was reading his journal and gosh. he was so amazing. and i was such a jerk to him. he was my best friend, and my rock, and i scolded him for the dumbest things. he wrote this on april 20th, 04. "...out of all my closest friends, i always thought Cari was the one who would never give up on me. I always thought she would be the one to understand. The one to see me through thick and thin. I never would have thought, but i guess i was wrong. She told me I was melodramatic and she was tired of it. I am melodramatic and i am a freaking emotional warhead about to blow. But no matter how bad i got, i always thought she would be there and never get tired of my stupid senseless crap. But like more times than not, i was wrong. Out of all my disappointments I have to say that this one is the worst.".....GOD!....i am just sitting here crying because that breaks my heart. i was such a bad friend to him, and this really makes me realize that i need to buck up and get over myself. i love you all so much, and i wouldn't trade anything for you. i take so much for granted...

i love it when God destroys my plans for my life. so. i couldn't sleep. so i thought i'd log onto the internet. funny how God can even use insomnia for his will. i am going to be a missionary. there's no turning back now. even if i wanted to back out i couldn't. my life lies in somalia. or so i think. j/k. but i was on the "joshua project" website, and i just happened to run across the Digil-Rahawiin people of somalia, a completely unreached group of people. heard about them at Big Stuf. i felt so called. so then i started looking around the site some more...and through an accident with my mouse, "stumbled" across the Zhaba people of China. do you ever get those weird gut feelings about things? or that fluttery thing your heart does when God's telling you to do something? that's what happened when i looked at that picture. reading about other extremist people groups scared me. but this one didn't. i can't think of anything i'd rather do with my life than go to China and minister to these people. it'll require some prayer on my part and the part of others. pray for me. pray that i can be truly changed and no longer fight for stupid reasons. pray that i can be respectful. pray that i can rid my life of the cumbersome burdens that hold me down. pray that God will reveal to me his direction for my life. pray that i will not be distracted by the petty things of the world. pray that i will be able to accept sacrifice on my part. but most of all, pray against the satanic attacks that are inevitable now. i never thought that a camp in panama city could change my life. i was wrong.

so. ketchup. jellyfish. sour milk. Backstreet Boys. God times infinity. thus was my Big Stuf experience. i am so very happy today. yesterday was great as a mug. more on this later. all i have to say is...durka durka.

man. i'm gonna be so busted in the morning. i probably won't go to sleep until about 3:00 this morning, and then i'll have to wake up at about 4:30 or 5:00 to leave for Big Stuf. man. but anyways, i misjudged Fahrenheit 451...it's very good. i knew it couldn't be all bad if Ray Bradbury wrote it. went to Wal-Mart yet again yesterday. So apparently yesterday was only "Angry/Deranged Soccer Mom / Hungover Frat Guy" day at Wal-Mart. so many frat guys buying advil and MORE BEER....man...i hope i'm not that stupid in college. also, crazy soccer moms. goodness. it's so funny to watch them. they just manage to walk through the super market picking out "healthy" granola bars and "nutritious" snacks, completely unfazed by the 5 children hanging on to their pants and shirts and screaming. but seriously. wal-mart is depressing. i'm really having "Oakland- withdrawal". i miss my friends. but yay. i have a new random crush. but, as i have said before, nothing will come of it, so it's ok. i won't get too obsessed. it's more of an admiration than an infatuation. currently watching Family Feud. crazy asian family that apparently lives under a rock. and they are the champions...sheesh. oh, everyone on earth should watch and/or read "The Stand" by Stephen King. dude. it's long, but good as a mug. i also watched National Treasure again the other day. it was pretty good. a little long, but good. well, i gotta go pack. everyone not going, pray that we don't get eaten by this "tropical storm" that's coming straight to frickin Panama City on Saturday. if we get rained out, i shall be rather sad. but at least i get to stay in a pimp hotel. woot for me. bye guys!

*edit*---i forgot one thing about my wal-mart encounter yesterday...it was also Woodbury Day. never have i seen so many shirts that say things like "Pimpin Ain't Easy" and "Delicious" on 9 year old girls/ 45 year old women (much akin to my experience at the Smyrna Skating Rink...)

well, my mom officially became the Permit Nazi today. just kiddin. i went to go get my permit, but we ended up not even going in because a long line of Mexicans was clogging up the DMV. poop. i probably woulda failed the test anyways. went to the library. woot. i love the library. except on those days where they have special guests in the children's section. The library transforms from the quiet haven i love, to the insane hell hole of doom. Every "conscientious" (overbearing) soccer mom brings all 10 of her kids to come listen to some washed up magician or old-hippie woman tell stories or pull rabbits out of books or something. Gosh. But today was not that day. Today was happy-quiet-peaceful time. Yeah, so i went to sparknotes.com to look at Silas Marner...and it officially sounds like Crapcity. I don't think i'll read it. But being the goody-two-shoes i am, i probably will before the end of the summer. Man, why can't we have good books for our summer reading? next year is like Oprah's Book Club books, (A Raisin in the Sun, and They're Eyes Were Watching God) plus The Great Gatsby (which i am excited about). Senior year is gonna be a long one. I have to read Frankenstein, Crime and Punishment, and The Picture of Dorian Grey (which i already read). But that's ok. At least i won't have to take Freshman Comp. in college. i am currently watching 'Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood". i love that show with all my heart. Mr. Roger's is so cool. And i don't mean that in that super annoying way (you know what i'm talking about. those kids who wear Mario and My Little Pony t-shirts because they think childhood fetishes make them hardcore.) i really have a genuine respect for that man. so. i'm hungry. pantry-raid time. yay rah. bye guys.