Do what you like...


and Fuck the rest.

i hate church. hate hate hate.

some one shoot me please. I would rather be hanging upside down by my heals over a cliff with those red things fromt the village clawing at me ...
than be in church.

So everyday after school.  i get home and then go straight to the kitchen=.  Today's victem is Ramen noodles.

I attempted cleaning my room, but that just didn't happen.  I always go in there to clean and just end up sleeping or playing with the kitten.  I turn some music on and get only as far as making my bed before i lay down on it and waste away hours that could be spent on homework and such. 

My plan for this year was to get a job  and the other part was on days taht i didn';t work .  to go to the Ymca and get that hour of excercise those experts are always talking about.   But the thing is, driving across town costs approxematley $10 now days so that part of the plan sort of bombed.

So then after i waste a c ouple of hours.  I always hang out with San for  a couple of more,  i then proceed to shower and then go to sleep.

this never changing scedual is killing me.

Read a story one time ( well it was really a novel, i m just telling a quick story from it :) )   of a girl.  Lets name her Jane. 

Jane was a wealthy young succesful newspaper woman.  SHe loved naked statues.  Thought they were magnificant..  One day she read of a statue.  Very old, very beautiful.. but its whereabouts were unknown.  She spents thousands of dollars to have it found.  

When she finally had it in her apartment she uncovered it and stood and stared at the life sized statue of a perfectly formed man.  She stared for hours.  Never looking away.

When she did finally take her eyes from the statue.  She took it and pushed it down the ventalation shaft of her apartment building. 

 it hit the paved ground and shattered.

She claimed it would be worthless to her if anyone else every laid eyes on it.

So my sister is home as of monday around 11:30 am.  So strange that it doesn't even feel like she was gone.  I missed her so much while she was away and now that she is here its as though she has been all along. 

i kno talking about hree bores effing everyone so i wont do it.  Cause thats usually all i do?   Im obsessive,  shoot me.

so im  crash reading into Dorian Gray.  Its my second time around with this Oscar Wilde Classic.  The first time i was simply intriqued with the story.  This time, im on about page 13 and it seems like a completely different book than the one i read 3 years ago. 

" I like persons more than principles.  Even better are persons with no principles at all."   

this book was written for me.

Got an instant message last night from an OLD OLD friend.  Its always so strange catching up.  Awkward saying all the things that have changed. 

Scared about what they'll say when they realize that you aren't the same person that you were when the two of you saw each other last.

But then there is still the bond that will always be there no matter how different things are at present...

I love stuff like this.

then i hate it.  Hate how we fall out of the relationships we have with our friends.  Its best if there is a fight or something and it ends.. At least that is closure.  But when it just ends and neither party knows why or what happened.   I hate that.  Soo soo much. 

So keep your friendships everyone.  Dont let people drift away.  One day you'll need them.  And theyll prolly need you too sooner or later. 

HOld on for life,  because when crisis hits you'll want some one there to help you with the life boat.

So we've all been to killer parties.  We are high school students afterall.

But for me, the best parties have always happend to take place in my bedroom. ( no this is not a sexual statement).   Thats right.  206 Dill Ln, the room at the end of the hall.  with the purple satin bed spread and a bottle of something or other.  Whether its white zinfandel, skol, beer, tequilla, or bacardi.   I cant say how many times we've lived it up in that room.  Me, Christian, my sister, Matt Juan, Stacie, Kathryn, Josef, and i've prolly left some out.  we've all been there.. and we've all done that.  and we dont even have to leave the bedroom  . 

So last night Christian, K Souf, and I  topped them all.

those are only a few... the ones that aren't too embarrassing

So yesterday coming home from church.. ( i kno right?)  My mother did the whole:  "YOu know that you can talk to me right?  I m here if you ever have any problems."

my reply: "I kno that mom.  we always talk?"  thinking wtf?

mom:"You and Santini are careful not to do more than kissing aren't you?"

OOOOOHHH... Thats where she is going.  Hearing things like this come out of my mothers mouth always makes me a bit uncomfortable.  She is the woman who asked my brother Mathew what "skeet" was.  There isn't anything Taboo to her. 

i just said "of course"  ;)

So seems like summer goes faster now that we're older.  I guess its cause we actually have things to do now instead of just sitting around or playing outside all day. 

Christian and I have been hanging out again.  Its weird, just like  a bad habit we find each other again and again.  And im glad.  I've written this story a 1000 times and over already, so i wont go into it.

so i'm gone to live up the REST of my summer..

Yesterday was Santini's Bday so we got a bunch of people together for lunch at Chef Wangs. 

  It was a fun day.  So if you haven't said happy 17th to him yet.  You def should.

You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why

Well im home for good this time.

Last night Santini came to see me.

and brought me these absolutely beautiful get well soon roses.

:D

:D

:D

i felt instantly better.

So I've had what we all thought was strepp throat for the past week. I've been resting and taking the ass load of perscribed antibiotics. ANd yet nothing seemed to work.

So yesterday morning i awoke and It had gotten remarkabley worse. My throat was on fire i finally went to get my dad and tell him that i need to go to the hospital.

So we get there and the nurse lady freaks out that i haven't been to the doctor yet. and i try to explain, in my hoarse little whisper that i couldn't go becasue sat the doctors was closed and we left for vacation the next day. she had no mercy. she continued on to asking me how i got the antibiotics.. and i said "over the phone" she looked at me like i was insane. I was very glad when she went away.

so the doctor, who was very nice to me. asked a thousand questions and some how determined thati probably had Mono. So we had to do a blood test and the lady took like a cup of blood, which i have no idea what she did with it alll :/ but whatever floats her boat.
I also finally got my strep test.

So i waited for half an hour. and my doctor comes back and tells me that yes i have Mono. but the good news was that my strep test was negative.

i just wanted to cry. Mono
and practically strep throat...

So he gave me some pain killers... and some steriod stuff to make the swelling in my throat go down . ..

he said "this is no way to act on Vacation"

i wanted to hit him.

So today is my 18th Birthday. It sucked ass... My mom has been soo nice about it though. She tries to cheer me up and make me as comfortable as possible. But im just sooooooo tired. and it hurts to talk and swallow.

so i must say that my best birthday present this year will be goingg home tomorrow becasue i cannot wait!!!!!!!!!!..

just to sleep in my own bed again.

So i had just returned to the Boro from 2 fabulous weeks with my grandmother. When my mother decides to tell me that we are leaving in 2 days for Hilton Head. I Have never been sad to go to the place i have branded with the title of my "second home". I love this tiny touristy rich people golfing crazed island more than almost any other place i ahve ever been.

I grew up on the beaches of the Westin Resort. Some of my greatest memories take place in the hot tubs/pools/ballrooms/hallways of this remarkabley huge and beautiful hotel.
I even had my first REAL kiss resorting here
here was the place i first got intoxicated
here was the place i did some other things
here i bonded wiht my love rebekah
here i spend time with my cousins whom i only see once a year
here i embarressed my self horribly too many times to name
here i danced to my sister playing the piano for a not so pleasant and surely not an entertained black family.
here i have loved
here i have hated
i have burned
and froze
i have been caught here
and here i have gotten away.

only this visit is different.
there is no rebekah or bethany or havillah. there is no Uncle Tom or Uncle Pat or Aunt karen or Aunt Cheryll or aunt heather. There is no Heather Nagy.
There is no mike, jj, Ian, sally or any of theother wonderfull people that i have met.

there is just me and my mom dad eli bell isaac and the grandparents...


and I HAVE STREP THROAT....
i am exhausted and miserable and lonely. AND pale b/c being in the sun gives me a terrible headache...

i want my sister and my gg and my santini.

but they are all out of reach..........

I gave me away

could have knocked off the evening

but i Lonelily landed my wants in her hands

in a way it felt like you were leaving me

i was sure i wouldn't find you at home

but you let me down 

 you could of knocked off the evening

but i was lonelily looking for something to hold

in a way.., i lost all i believed in

i've never found myself so alone

you let me down

you could have called if you needed.

you let me down

there's no use decieveing

neither of us wants to be alone

im coming home on Thursday....  

I will never forget the car ride i just took back to my Grandmother's from my Uncle Tom's house.  I am riding in the passenger seat of her ridiculous manual everything brand new Spectra down some never ending boulevard somwhere between Wellington and Palm Beach.  The windows are down, the music is up, and my seat ever so slightly reclined.  Allof my senses are ablaze:

The breaze whips through my hair and around my face and arms as Norah Jones sings of the aimless sea on the radio.  My nostrils flare excitedly with the lingering smell of my uncles vanilla cigars.  In my mouth remains the fading taste of white zinfandel, which also remains, just barely, upon my mindset.  My eyes are closed as i dream pathetically of that silly asian boy who has claimed so much of my thoughts lately that it makes me uneasy.  Have i the urge to, or if my overly exhausted body would allow it.  I could open my eyes and look up to a beautifully black, cloudless, and star-strewn sky.

...i will die in ecstacy.

So this is my official last day in Tennesee..

IM super excited as i sit here and download some new music for the trip.

Mean Girls Soundtrack :D  Havana Nights :D  1st Ladi  :D  Atmosphere :D  some good stuff..

so while im ubber anticipating my 7 am flight out of this shit hole, i realize that i might just miss some of you freaks.  NO im kidding, of course i will.  But then again i get to spend two weeks with my Grandmother, who is amazing.  And of course my cousin Amber.  Who is also pretty fabulous.

2 weeks away from the family :D : D :D   I needed this.... and might i be so arrogant as to say that i deserved it. ??  I think so.

Did you ever feel like you wanna be
Someone else for just one day,
Did you ever feel like you wanna
See through another pair of eyes,
Did you ever think I'm a wannabe with
Anyone else for just one day,
Did you ever you really think of me when i walked away?

You look, but don't sound apologetic,
You smoke your subjects at my eyes, like you think,
You know where you think you'll find, you think you'll figure me out tonight,
But you'll never know what i won't share,
Cause I don't care and I don't care,
You think you'll figure me out tonight,
But I don't care,

And I wonder, if I'm just built this way,
Cause every man that I know, makes me feel like I'm too blame
When it's over and my selfish ways,
Go back to start again, go back to start again.

Did you ever feel like you should have said
Something smarter at that time,
Did you ever feel like you should have kept
it all to yourself,
Did you ever think it might be your fault
And never promise anymore,
Did you ever think it might not be me
No, it was always me?

You look, you don't sound apologetic,
You smoke your subjects at my eyes, like you think,
You know where you think you'll find, you think you'll figure me out tonight,
But you'll never know what i won't share,
Cause I don't care and I don't care,
You think you'll figure me out tonight,
But I don't care,

And I wonder, if I'm just built this way
Cause every man that I know, makes me feel like I'm too blame
When it's over and my selfish ways
Go back to start again

And I wonder, if I'm just built this way
Cause every man that I know, makes me feel like'I'm too plain'
When it's over and my selfish ways
Go back to start again, go back to start again

You look, you don't sound apologetic,
You smoke your subjects at my eyes, like you think,
You know where you think you'll find, you think you'll figure me out tonight,
But you'll never know what i won't share,
Cause I don't care and I don't care,
You think you'll figure me out tonight,
But I don't care,

And I wonder, if I'm just built this way
cause every man that I know, makes me feel like im to blame
When it's over and my selfish ways
Go back to start again,

And I wonder, if I'm just built this way
cause every man that I know, makes me feel like'I'm too plain'
When it's over and my selfish ways
Go back to start again, go back to start again

Go back to start again

so later everyone...  :D our new Kitten

So this morning i came home and Sushi lessons began at around 10.  It was really fun and very interesting.  I used to think that i liked sushi.  Now im Positive that i do not.  Although i do like to make it, it tastes like shit.

All day i've just been thinking so much about Beks and GG.  I kno everyone is prolly sick to death of hearing about them.  The other day though my mom said something along the lines of " You know it just hit me, everyone that you're really close to is gone."  I felt like breaking down into tears.  And i almost did.  But then i realize that that isn't completely true.  My mom has been here and has been my life saver.  There's also that really cool guy that im dating, Santini. 

Beks and i would have hours of conversation devoted to dating and that institute they call marraige ( i dont know how to spell it.).  But it always came down to this:  I used to never believe that i could ever give that muchof myself to someone.  To marry and spend the majority of my life with them .And i i still dont really.  To fully surrender everything that i am to ONE person, I just never thought that i would be capable of it.  Im speaking of this in terms of a significant other.  But i see now that i was wrong.  I am capable of it, in fact i am guilty of it.  Since I was about 12 there has been this one person in my life.  This one girl that i've given myt whole self to,  and that is my sister.  She has the knowledge in her of my complete make-up.  She knows every oppinion, every joke, every gesture, every bend, every freckle, every flaw, every everything.  She knows it all.   She has all of me.  I'd marry HER. if i could.    She has taught me so much, this is just one example. 

      So the moral i have learned through thinking about this, is that it is ok to let go.  I let go and gave it all.  I layed it all down for her.  yes its painful at times.  NO she isn't here whenever i need her.  No it isn't perfect.  But the reward is far too great.  It makes it all worth it.  I have a life long best friend who just so happens to be my sister.  And i know that i will be capable of taking this on again with another person, when the time comes.  She's shown me that.

so  got a few more weeks before i have 2 in west palm beach.. I CANNOT WAIT...  i just want to get away from craptown for just a LITTLE bit.

  soo i finally get a picture of us.  And LOOK HOW PALE I AM....  that is amazing to me. i just dont understand how that happened.  but oh well...  florida should help  :D...........

later kiddos

haha go read sarah vermillion's spider story. i laughed my ass off.

and i love you sarah!

jen

So this was our last day of school....  (minus exams... they dont count)

but it doesn't feel that way at all...  Just felt like any other day at school.... besides going tto subway and  watching a gazillion movies.

things are so different...   And im Glad.

for the most part that is.

GG is leaving for the whole summer, that i cannot believe.  IM going to miss her soo much.  Both of my best friends = gone..  Beks and now my GG.

i never thought that i would have to miss them this much... I guess i was VERY wrong...  I want and NEED them both back...