January 17 2008
Have you ever been really happy, but then feel hollow inside at the same time. Like one second you are trying so hard to be happy, and for a little while it works. But then you remember what's been nagging at you all day, and you can't help but break down. For the past couple of days that's how my life has went. All day today, I was on the verge of tears, and then when I got home I couldn't take it anymore. I just completely broke down, and I don't really know why. I guess it's just a mixture of things. It's been building up the past couple of days and I just couldn't let it go anymore. I'm like a robot walking to classes and doing homework and tests. Putting on a happy face, just trying to get through the day. It seems like no one's paying any attention to me. Even though there's lots of people were I sit during lunch, I feel lonlier than ever. I changed table so I could get to sit with both of my two best friends, and now I don't even get to talk to either of them really. That's really my fault though. Hardly of the people talk to me. I guess it's mostly my falt though because I don't say much. I just kind of sit there. But if I do try to talk, I can feel the tears coming on. The only way I can keep from crying is to go into my box and cover myself. I just can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. By the time I got home I just wanted to crawl into a hole and sleep for a month. Maybe then things would be better, and I wouldn't have to constantly tell myself I can make it through the day. Then just to go home and cry myself to sleep. Mostly right now, I just need some prayers. Hoping things will get better. Hopefully......
January 19 2008
the horribe effect of hormones!!!!!!!! we can not escape!!!!!! i know what it feels like to be sad and left out, meg. and i REALLY know how it feels to put on a happy face all the time. ive been working on it, tho and i figure it really is just hormones. i finally realized that my problems arn't that bad and that i have to take what i'm given. now im sooo much happier!! the past few days have been pretty good. you cant just wait for the rain to go away, you have to pull out the sun on your own. on that note, im gonna go work on a seating chart!