Forget the last entry...

May 09 2006

...Because I now have a better answer than "Bleah." as to why I've been acting "odd" lately.  I just kind of sat down and started typing this thing in Notepad, and I now see that this's what I've been meaning to say for the past looooong time...

"...I've never been good at telling the truth when it comes to myself.  You all probably think of me as an optimistic, cheerful, good guy.  It is true that I try to be these...but only when I deem it necessary.  When do I deem it necessary?  Basically anytime I'm around other people is a necessary time.  Why do I say this?  Well, I figured it's about time I come clean.

I've always wanted to do something grand for society, be a hero figure of some sort, and I still do.  I've always felt the desire, or perhaps need, to save someone or something.  But, we live in a society where heroes, and also villains, cannot rise from the river of life.  They are instead stuck in the flow of that river, never able to go against it or get out of it.  Obviously, villains are detained by means of police and/or military force, no problem. 

Heroes, though, they're not so obvious to the typical person as to why they cannot rise; the reasons lay within the system of things.  For example, at work two weeks ago, the manager of the EB store outside the mall went on vacation, and I basically took on the role of manager to a certain extent.  This was a week that was to be spent working on a total rearrangement of the EB stores in all shapes, fashions, and forms.  I figured I had to get things done since I took on the role of baby manager, and as such, volunteered a lot of my time to get things done.  No one is "allowed" to be worked more than 40 hours in a week there at EB/Gamestop, since they don't want to pay off for more money than they have to; I did, though, and had my hours adjusted to fit into the 40 hour groove of things.  I did it because I didn't care; my job was to see to things that they got done; I came in and volunteered during my "offtime" to get things done.  Come to find out from the assistant manager, if the upper-ups ever found out about me volunteering my time, I'd be fired.  For doing the store/company a favor, I'd get fired.  What the heck is up with that?  If it weren't for me comin' in and doin' all of that, it probably wouldn't have gotten completely done in time.  They'd fire me because of what I thought would be a nice act.  Their way of doing things would have "heroes" shot down quickly.

Heroes cannot simply defeat "villains"; that's up to the police.  If some Joe-Schmoe took care of some criminal, he wouldn't "get away" with it; the police/"justice" system will probably have something to say about it.

I cannot simply volunteer my time to do any kind of volunteer "job".  Why?  Because the system we live in requires that we must have money in order to live.  Without money, we cannot buy food.  Without food, we perish.  I can't volunteer because I want to; I have to "work" for some silly company to further their desire for money.  And even then, if I work for this company and give what money I "can" give away, I still couldn't give as much as I wanted to.  I'd have to retain a good chunk of it to survive.  And I also couldn't only help people if their miseries were somehow related to money.  I can't spawn money out of thin air.  I can't just simply say, "St. Judes should have all the money they'd ever need to get the research they need to do," and have it happen.  Heck, St. Judes can't simply care for the people they want to care for and do all the research they want to do...because of money.  Because of "the economy".

Do I think we live in a world where heroes cannot rise?  Yes.  Can villains arise?  No.  Both sides are quickly dealt with in this system we live in. 

Here in America, all most people want to do is to live.  They don't want to cause trouble...and in the end, they don't do anything to contribute to the human race; they may want to, and that's fine and dandy, but they usually won't act upon it if they do think about it.  The lowly citizen, the "drop-out" stereotype, making barely enough money to live...he couldn't do anything to contribute to the human race; he's too busy being worked to death for a meager living.  He could desire with all his heart to do something, but he is chained to the system that slaves him in exchange for living, for if that chain were to be destroyed, he'd eventually perish.  Then, on the other hand, we have the affluent, those that have all the possibility to do something good for the human race with all that money sitting around.  But will they?  Probably not.  And if they do, they do it to be recognized.

Me?  I want to be a hero.  I want to contribute something great to society.  I don't want to be recognized for my work; if I do, so be it, but I'd rather it not happen.  I don't ask for much out of life; I really don't care too much what happens to me.  I want the human race to prosper, nothing else really matters.

...I was at one point in time destined to die, before I could think coherently, before I could speak, before I could do much of anything.  I was to die before I "knew" I was alive.  I was supposed to die 18 years ago of neuroblastoma, yet I still exist.  All these years of living really weren't supposed to be mine; but they ended up being so.  I was diagnosed with what's basically the deadliest of childhood cancers, but I am now "alive and well".  Why?  Why am I still alive?

...Before I go farther, does this mean I'm going to kill myself?  No, of course not.  So, those that fear that this whole thing has been written as a last thing before suicide, this's far from the case...

...Anyways, continuing from where I left off, why am I still alive?  I've asked myself this question so many times since I came upon this realization of mine.  And, quite honestly, I feel like I must do something.  What this something is, I have no freakin' clue.

...I can only imagine that this's why I've taken a liking to video games.  In games such as the Final Fantasies, especially 6, 7, 9, and 10, you play through them to save the world from destruction (or history repeating itself needlessly in the case of 10).  You end up being the hero because you don't have the worries, the complexities, and nuisances that those in the real world must put up with.  I can "be" the hero I want to be within these games.

This is why I am basically depressed with things.  I desire more than anything to be a hero, but I feel like I cannot be a hero in these times, not to mention that I have no idea what it is that I should do anyways.  I feel hopeless...

...And so, all I've been able to do for people is to put on this charade.  My charade of happiness and contentness with life...  I do what I can to instill people with hope and "power" to overcome their obstacles and to enjoy life by always being optimistic around others.  And it is with this that I sometimes even fall for my own charade and find "happiness" for myself.  Regardless of what thoughts weigh me down, I always do what I can to cheer people up and make them happy, so that they do not suffer the same depression as I do.  It's really all I've been able to do with my life so far.  Even if following through with this charade leads me to further despair, I don't care; such is why I never cared about what grades I got in school, after I started thinking like this anyway, and instead spent time with those I cared about rather than making A's.  Heck, all a bunch of A's do is get you money in the bitter end, right?

That last bit was most definitely the story of this semester that just ended with me.  Instead of doing homework I "should" have been doing, I was online playing World of Warcraft to be with my friends in spirit and do what I could to make playing the game enjoyable for all that were with me.  Instead of going to Japanese to take my oral exam, I stayed with Marissa to make sure she would be okay.  Instead of going to other classes, I didn't so that I could be with friends.

My friends are always more important to me than anything else, especially school.  I'd rather flunk school and be a college drop-out so that I could be with you all and help you all out in life than keep to myself to do my homework to get the grades to get the stupid job to get the moneys.  I owe you all so much for making my life seem better, it's the least I could do to serve you all.  My friends, you are the reason I've kept on going, the reason I haven't lost hope in all things, and the reason I won't quit searching for what it is I must do for society.  I will always be there for you all; all you must do is call upon me for help and I will give you as much help as possible.

I am a servant of the human race, and I will do what it takes to enliven it.  I just need to find how I can do so."

That was what I wrote instead of going to work today (called in and said I wasn't feeling well, which, really is a true statement).  And, really I do mean what I say about you, my friends, even those that don't care to read this.  You all have been there for me in some shape, fashion, or form to keep me from giving up completely and totally.  You all deserve great big huge hugs, pats on the back, whatever it is you think of as a sign of accomplishment. 

...My immediate family thinks of helping in life in terms of money.  They never really did help to define my character, they just threw money at me, thinkin' that just because money goes my way meant that I'll be the perfect little model U.S. citizen they want me to be...the very ideal that I cannot live. 

The other members of my family aren't so much like that, especially my grandfather in Kentucky, who's more focused and "violent" and stubborn than me in similar thoughts and ideals the more I think about it.  They're more idealistic, particularly the elders that have passed away in my family, such as my mother's mom and father's dad.  They, looking back, have really helped define me.

...But hey, I imagine you all have a life to live and have had enough of reading for now, huh?

So, keep it real, thanks again, and I'll see you all later.