didn\'t see this coming...

July 20, 2005from the very beginning of this whole xanga/phusebox craze i have been the person that thought it was utterly rediculous to write these overly melodramatic entries. i always viewed it as a sad attempt to get attention from people who aren\'t close enough to you for you to pick up the phone and actually tell that person what is wrong, and against my better judgement i will do exactly what i have disliked and even slandered in the past mainly because there isn\'t any one particular person that i could tell this to and because anyone who knows me needs to know what i am about to say, and that could take a whole lot of phone calls...

in short: i am a complete fake

i feel that i have decieved every single person i know into believing that i am something that i am not. and the even sadder thing about this situation is that because i have been doing that for so long that i no longer know who I am. i would lie to people just to see if they would believe me, not just with my words, but with my actions. and for the most part i have been very successful at this. i am good at what i have been doing because i do not know nor have i ever known how to be real. i have acted as so many different people that i do not know who i act like to different people. some people have probably noticed this about me, maybe i am wrong, maybe everybody has noticed this about me and that is why i feel so empty and alone and completely void of emotion or feeling. and because of my manipulation and stubborn ways, the one bright shining star in my life begins to doubt and question me, and rightly so. i can be the stand out leader in my youth group, i can be the funny guy who makes people laugh, i can be the jerk who makes people laugh at another\'s expense, i can be emotional, i can be cocky, i can be humble, i can be sympathetic and helpful; it all depends on the situation at hand and how i think it would best suit me to act. i cannot imagine the number of people i have decieved just because i thought they would like me more if i acted a certain way, and then as soon as another person or group comes around, i am a completely different person.
never have i understood the songs or phrases that speak of people hungering or thirsting for God, and it at this point that i realize the hunger and thirst for something different. i want aceptance and love and support and friendship and warmth and satisfaction and peace. and it is at this point that i realize how much of an utter waste i have been for the past eighteen plus years of my life.
i have done nothing but bring people down and hurt others.

i don\'t know what it is that i want, i just don\'t want to feel this guilty for anything ever again.
sorry to all...

if i was a white lady...

July 18, 2005i would lay around and lounge around andwatch the price is right
all day long i\'d sit up on the phone, ordering stupid stuff from QVC
i wouldn\'t be on welfare
my ignant husband would have a job at dupont, maybe chevron or bayer asprin, anything besides taco bell
i would belong to the episcapalion church and i would have children at Vanderbilt, not Motlow
i would probably be up at the PTA raising heck
every month i would dress up and go to the country club, and be very proud in the fact that i am prim and perpindicular, and that would be the most ignant part of all
i would listen to country music, my husband would drive a stupid pick up truck, we would live in a double wide trailor home,
I\'M GLAD I\'M NOT A WHITE LADY!
(now that you have read this once, try and read it again to the tune of \"if i was a wealthy man\" from fiddler on the roof, after you do that and realize the imense humor behind it, leave me some wicked cool remarks...

a plea for advice to the computer gurus

July 10, 2005So, my grandmother gave me a lap top computer for graduation. So, it is a Dell Inspiron 2600. So, its got a Pentium III m processor and windows XP. And it\'s good and all, but not really what i want, and it is kinda slow. So, if you have a certain amount of knowledge about these particular things dealing with computers and such, please leave me a remark about what kind of lap top i should get.
In other news i have to go to Orlando FL this weekend with people from my old high school, that will pretty much suck. The only redeeming points will be that i get to go to some amusement park or something like that.
Peace.

one week down...

June 24, 2005Today was day five of my journey into the heart of the dangerous plains of the Phillips bookstore. Today our safari group had a run in with the mighty Regina, queen of the stock room. She charged me at full speed when i invaded her territory of the janitorial closet. You see, Regina is the custodial artist who maintains the facillities at the bookstore, and apparently i angered her getting a trash bag out of her closet without her permission. It was fun though because she chased me with a broom for a little while and then i ran away.
Sarah, my mom, and I watched \"Coach Carter\" tonight, it was very good. Aside from the strong language, Samuel L. Jackson did an amazing job. If you have not already seen it i strongly reccomend that you do so.
I will be a \"Barnabus Buddy\" for the first time at VBS next week, i\'m a little intimidated by this because i\'ve never done anything like that before. So if you see me running around the church yelling for Tanner, i\'m looking for a little Autistic boy who loves sea life and bull frogs.
until next time...

My new jorb...

June 20, 2005Well, today i started my new jorb. It is a pretty easy jorb. From about nine a.m. to one p.m. i sat in the back stock room and ripped apart old books that are no longer in use. I inquired if we considered donating any of the books to like the library or other schools in the area, but my manager said, \"NO!\" This made me a little upset because we were tearing apart entire class sets of \"Treasure Island\" \"The Narrative of Sojourner Truth\" and \"Poems by Oscar Wilde.\" Then i asked if i could take them to some of my old teachers to see if they wanted them, and my manager said, \"NO!\" I don\'t know why though, it doesn\'t make much sense to me.
Then we had to count and sort a bunch of books on pallets that we were not going to sell anymore, that was pretty easy but pretty boring also. So Amy Powers if you read this, relay the amazing easyness of this jorb to Garrett. Thank you come again!