Tonight, I started thinking about love. I know I don't have it, at
least not in a romantic sense. I know I don't need it in a romantic
sense, but I still want it, romantically. Why? What's so great about
it? Is it just horomones? Does it really matter? Why does my heart hurt
when I think so much about it? I think about the one and only time in
my life that I was truly in love with a girl. There was no lust, I
remember that much. I could just think about her smile, and I would be
happy. Just remembering that I was the one that she smiles about filled
my heart with an unspeakable amount of joy. It was just us and God.
Nobody and nothing else mattered. Then I remember when our love was
broken. I couldn't bring myself to eat for a week, and even after that,
I had to force myself to eat because food had become tasteless and dull
without her love. This kind of love is what I seek, not physical
pleasure, but spiritual closeness. This is the kind of love that I
cannot find. A few days ago, I helped a friend plan a date for her
boyfriend. From what I heard, her boyfriend loved it. Why is it that I
can help someone plan one of the most romantic dates they've ever been
on, while I'm stuck sitting at home watching TV? I guess it's the same
with lighting, I can light up a great show and give the audience one of
the most spectacular shows they've ever seen, but I'm not the one on
stage. Nobody knows that I spent days, even weeks, staying up late at
night running between the lift and console, focusing and refocusing,
until every light and every shadow is exactly where it needs to be.
When the show opens, all the work that I've poured my heart and soul
into is hardly noticed, and all the glory goes to the actors or
musicians on stage. This is how it should be. The same can be said for
my friend. The same can even be said for my walk with Christ. I must
let my light shine before men, but my light is only a poor reflection
of the true Light of the World. I myself, am doing my job. The less
acknowledgement I get, the more I know that I'm doing my job well. So,
I suppose that I should take heart, and not be concerned with other
people and their love interests, but should do what I know in my heart
that I need to do. What I need to do, now, is to reflect the light and
love of God to all men. Still, it would be nice to not feel so lonely
sometimes.