. . Into place, that is. Sometimes God just amazes me. No I take that back, God ALWAYS amazes me. That He can care enough about me to see about the tiny, seemingly insignificant details in my life. To not only 'see about them' but to go above and beyond and blow me away by taking care of what He KNOWS matters to me. Life isn't always easy, He knows mine sure hasn't been. But when I can look back at some of what I've experienced and use those lessons and that pain to reach someone else, or to just simply understand for someone else. Its so amazing. There is something about the summertime, the hot days and warm evenings, the nights I can sit under the stars, that makes me nostalgic and contemplative. I have a sentimental tendency anyway but this time of year it really blossoms. I have spent the last several days reflecting on the past, on my past and those of the people I love. Its not all great, in fact some of it I wish I could change, as much for those involved as for myself. However, I know without a doubt I would not be where I am and even if I were I would not appreciate where I am had I not been where I've been. I know that was confusing but it made sense in my head. Anyway I just wish I had the chance to tell all the significant people from my past and in my life what they meant to me, what they taught me. I don't know why but I do. . . Anyway I didn't mean for this to turn into a sad post, its really not. My life amazes me more every day. God has this incredible ability to make things just 'Fall into place' if I will only relinquish control and allow Him. Amazing.

More later ~ MEW

Last dollar spent: Buying a dozen cookies from Jason's Deli for Mike and his co-workers
Last cigarette: Never
Last beverage: Sweet Tea
Last movie: What Women Want on Tv today
Last phone call: Michael
Last song played: Whenever I Hear Your Name
Last bubble bath: Too long
Last time you cried: Last Sat
Last thing you ate: Hamburgers and frosties and banana pudding at a Father's Day get-together

8 have you evers.

Have you ever dated a best friend:Yes and although it ended it ended well
Have you ever skinny dipped:yep and if I could find a place I'd do so again
Have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it: unfortunately
Have you ever lost someone you loved: More than anyone should
Have you ever been dumped:yes and its not my favorite of activities
Have you ever been drunk and threw up: oh yes, I wouldn't recommend it
Have you ever run away: twice
Have you ever wanted someone u thought u couldnt have then found out they liked you: only once, a LONG story

7 states you've been to:
California, Arizona, Colorado, South Dakota, Utah, Nevada, West Virginia

6 things you've done today:
Kissed my fiance, took a shower, hugged my dog, checked my email, laughed with friends/family, prayed,

5 of your favorite things in no order:
swimming on a hot summer night, laying with my honey in the hammock, doing nice, unexpected things for people, giving or recieving hugs, getting a big pay check


4 people you can tell [almost] anything to in no order..:
Michael, Carla, Lawanna, Mom (sometimes)


3 things that make you smile:
unexpected kisses, cards etc, Remington (my dog), Michael 


2 things you want to do before you die:
be a wife, be a mother


1 one thing you can't live with out:
love

You can only say YES or NO!You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you and asks!

Made out with someone on friend list? no

Danced in front of your mirror naked? yes

Told a lie? yes

Are down for one night stands? no

Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? yes

Been arrested? no

Seen someone die? yes

Kissed a picture? yes

Slept in until 5pm? no

Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? yes

Fallen asleep at work/school? yes

Held a snake? yes

Ran a red light? yes

Been suspended from school? yes

Pole danced? no

Been fired from a job? no

Sang karaoke? yes

Done something/one you told yourself you wouldn't? yes

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? yes

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? yes

Kissed in the rain? no

Sang in the shower? yes

Gave your private parts a nickname? no

Ever gone to school partially without underwear? yes

Sat on a roof top? yes

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? yes

Broken a bone? no

Mooned/flashed someone? yes

Shaved your head? no

Slept naked? yes

Played a prank on someone? yes

Had a gym membership? yes

Felt like killing someone? yes

Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? yes

Cried over someone you were in love with? yes

Been in a band? yes

Taken more than 10 shots of alcohol? yes

Shot a gun? yes

Shot a bow and arrow? yes

Played strip poker? yes

Eaten cheescake? yes

Well, in case you live under a rock, school has FINALLY let out for the summer. I don't know about anyone else but I was glad to say farewell to this semester, the classes at least. What I didn't realize when I was doing it was that this was my last semester of real classes. AT least in undergrad. Its really hard to believe that college is nearly over for me. In one respect it feels as if it just started yesterday and in another it feels as though I've lived a lifetime. In some ways I guess I have, I've changed a great deal. Grown even more I hope. But now its on to bigger and better things.

Am thrilled to announce that I am the newest intern at Rutherford County's District Attorney's Office!!!! I start in the fall! I'm extremely ecstatic, especially since I've been chasing this since December.

Anyway other than that not much to report, wedding planning is going well, places are reserved, bridesmaid's dresses are in, next is a photographer and a dress I hope.

Guess that's it for now. More Later MEW

Well life is finally settling down on all areas except the school front. Just listen to THIS news about the University!!! First off, our president, MR McPhee is NOT a U.S. Citizen. That's right folks, the 'fearless' leader of our dear university can't even vote!!! Out does that suit you? To have a non-citizen leading us. No wonder he has so many hidden agendas. Okay anyway.

Had one of the most embarrassing moments of my life yesterday. Am at work, have just taken a delivery to NHC on N. University and am headed back to the deli via Medical Ctr Parkway. Well Martina McBride's Independence Day comes on and I am singing away. I do this on a regular basis however most of the time my windows are up. Well it was a beautiful day so they were about halfway down and I am just belting my little heart out. Well I pull up to the light just as it is turning red and sit. I am mildly aware of the vehicles on either side of me. Well the song ends and in the silence that follows I hear claps. Then more claps. Then "encore, encore" I SLOWLY turn my head to the side and what am I faced with? A Jeep Cherokee occupied by no less than four guys who are now cheesing and 'cheering' me on. Well this gets the attention of the guy on the other side of my car and gets him involved as well (no doubt he heard my stunning performance). Talk about looking for a rock to crawl under. I don't think I sang for the rest of the day.. . . I've never been so red!!!

Anyway just wanted to update so the "Disgust" post could be moved finally!

How can some people be SO conniving and manipulative and downright slutty?!? I am currently harboring an intense hatred for one such person. I know its wrong to hate but aren't there some people that just deserve it? That earned the right to be despised and hated not only by me but by all females with significant others. For I am speaking of the female who cares not of your boyfriend or FIANCE'S attachment status, she only cares that she can seduce him at her will. Well guess what chicka, this time YOU LOST. I have someone who is above you and whatever you think you have to offer. So take your scuzzy self else where. As previously stated I know its wrong and I'm going to have to overcome it, and I will, but for my sake, not for her's.

Michael & I are parents ( a scary thought I know) of an 8 mo old Black Labrador Retriever!!! Her name is Remi, short for Remington b/c of its sentimental value to us.

She's adorable. A handful but adorable. Anyway, not much else to say. Have begun this HUGE task of wedding planning, wish me luck. Trying ot keep up and stay focused in school and still find time to work, breathe and live.

More Later ~ MEW

I'm OFFICIALLY A Future Fisher!!!!

We're ENGAGED!!!!

Wow so its been a while. Thigns are okay for the moment, school is getting hectic but Spring Break is fast approaching so thank all goodness for that.

Lets see not much to update on. Oh yes, my engagement setting came in!!! HOWEVER, I refuse to get excited b/c in the words of Michael, it could be another six months. So what's to get excited about? Tell a bunch of people and then maybe they won't be around when/if that time comes. *Sigh* so I wait.

Other than that not much, just life. Spring IS coming though, I'm wearing flipflops today!!!!! :D

Things are back to wonderful in my world. No matter how many times my world pauses and I think it might be stopping for good, somehow someway God and forgiveness make it all okay again.

How frustrated can one person get? I thought I had traveled to the depths and back but no, today I've discovered yet another level.

I have tried SO hard not to believe my bubble of happiness would burst, however despite my best efforts, its definatley blown to bits.

Over something STUPID. Something that should have been nothing, that shouldn't have even involved me, but somehow, even though I didn't ASK to be involved at all, I come out the pond scum. At least thats how I'm treated. Its really tough to play second or third fiddle with someone who says that you are the love of their life. Really tough on the heart and confidence.

I only did what I thought was right, for myself and for all others involved. Sorry if that didn't go with the original plans however when I'm not involved or informed of those plans I can't be held accountable to abide by said plans. Sorry if I blew the lid off something but from my perspective there wasn't another option.

I just don't know what to do anymore, this is the first time I haven't reached out. I'm just not going to be the one who fights to make it right. It obviously didn't matter enough to settle it when it happened, or all day the next day, no effort. Therefore why should I put my neck and heart out there and risk rejection? I don't see a reason. "Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option." Very wise words, hard for me to abide by b/c I am such a fixer but I'm not giving in this time. I got left, I got pushed aside, I got ignored, all for trying to save everyone's butt. On something I wasn't even involved in too boot. UGH. HOW do I come out wrong?!?!?!  AHHHHHHHHHH. . . I could scream, I have in fact, twice today, out of nothing but sheer frustration, and hurt. I haven't cried over this, other than last night at being left, I haven't let myself. I had the purest of intentions at heart, that should count for something. You'd think someone who loves me would at least listen to my side. At least care about my feelings. You'd think fixing it would matter. But apparently not.

Now where does this leave me?

So I don't say this very much, but sometimes I HATE being right. :( Things ALWAYS fall apart for me and I just don't know how many more times my heart can take being crushed.

 Hmmm. . . so much on my mind. So many people make me so happy, make my life feel so blessed. And somehow, some way there is ALWAYS this little voice inside that whispers "It might end, it might fall, it might burst, it can't last, it never does, why would it now. . . " on and on, relentless.

It gets so old, not believing the good can last. Not believing its "real." So many good things have been going on here lately and yet in the midst of it all a tiny hand clutches my heart and whispers "It will all come crashing down, don't get too attached, don't count on it"  Sometimes I wonder if letting this little voice get to me is part of the reason things always do go south, because I believe they will. Someone important once told me "If you keep believing that its going to happen!" I have to wonder how true that is. It scares me to think that could be the case, because now the good things are so precious, are some of the things I've dreamt of all my life, I'd do anything to prevent this bubble from bursting but I don't know that I possess the knowledge and that is staggering. Okay, pondering complete, for the moment.

Okay so I know its a day late but I don't care, I need some random mental occupation right now. This "coulda-been-afabulous-day" could really turn sucky so I'm hoping it won't.

VALENTINES SURVEY

1. Do you like anyone?: if you don't know then you've been under a rock
2. Do they know it?: If he doesnt then HE"s under a rock

IN THE LAST MONTH HAVE YOU. . .

4. Had someone buy you something?: yep
5. Bought something?: yep yep

6. Gotten sick?: unfortuantly yes, lets not go there
7. Been hugged?: yes, amazing hugs!
8. Felt stupid?: isn't that part of everyone's day to day life?
9. Talked to an ex?: no
10. Missed someone?: yes
11. Failed a test: no, i'm a nerd                                                        12. Eaten cereal: probably but don't ask me to tell you what kind or when                                                                                               13. Danced crazy: haha last night!!!
14. Gotten your hair cut?: nope, but i dyed it!

UNIQUE

16. Any nervous habits?: biting my nails, shifting my weight, nervous blabbing
17. Are you double jointed?: yep in my hips
18. Can you roll your tongue?: yes
19. Can you raise one eyebrow?: no but I've always wished I could
20. Can you cross your eyes?: yes
21. Do you make your bed daily?: HA, that depends on how much effort it involves

HAVE YOU EVER. . .

23. Said "I Love you" and meant it: everyday.
24. Given money to a homeless person?: yes, and food
26. Waited all night for a phone call that never came?: yup
27. Snuck out?: a loooong time ago
28. Sat and looked at the stars?: yes but not in a long time
29. Do you swear?: only when i'm REALLY emotional
30. Do you ever spit?: no cuz I always seem to do it when the wind is blowing
31. You cook your own food?: when I'm feeling froggy
32. You do your own chores?: yes
33. You like beef jerky?: not especially, I have to be craving it
34. You like pepsi or coke?: pepsi if I have to choose                      35. You're happy with your hair?: most days, i'm looking forward to some highlighting soon
36. You own a dog?: :( I wish                                                           37. You spend your money wisely?: I don't have a choice
38. Do you like to swim?: yup
39. Get bored when you call a friend?: when i get bored, i DO call a friend.
40. Are you patient?:  Yes I believe I am, a life of waiting and trials has taught me that

DO YOU PREFER

41. Flowers or Angels?: flowers
42. Gray or Black?: depends i like my gray car but i love black pants
43. Color or black and white photos?: i like them all!                        44. Lust or Love?: Love - b/c you get both the heart and the . . . a. . .well you know
45. Sunrise or Sunset?: either is beautiful and thought-provoking          46. M&Ms or Skittles?: M&M's b/c I am one!

0N VALENTiNES DAY Q`S

1. Are you in a relationship?: yes and it's amazing!
2. If so, who with?: Michael L. Fisher
3. Sign?: capricorn
4. Do you believe in love at first sight?: nope, first feeling maybe but not first sight
5. What about true love?: definately
6. Have you made out with casual people?: can't say as I have
7. Would you kiss on the first date?: nope
8. Do you look for one night stands?: hmmm NO
9. Do you enjoy recieving flowers?: really, what girl doesn't!?

10. Do you enjoy gifts from your girl/guy?: yes, but that's not what it's all about

++VALENTINES QUESTIONS ++

1. You have a valentine planned out to have?: yup!                               2. Do you like having a valentine?: yes i do b/c he's AMAZING!
3. Does someone like you currently?: if not he deserves and oscar
4. Are you even worried about the upcoming holiday?: no sir!

what happened to #5 and 6???

7. Is a little kiss (peck on cheek) during school on vday sweet?: a little kiss ANYTIME is sweet!                                                                  8. Have you ever gotten something from someone on the day?: yep
9. Sweetest thing that has happened to you on v-day?: just spending the day with someone you both love and like, no matter what it is.

Though I have been called both a "fool" and "weak" for believing in love and its power I'll take both those names for I know what it is to LIVE, LOVE and FEEL.

"Standing Outside The Fire"

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned

But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire

We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Sometimes it seems you can't win for losing. Sometimes life just isn't fair it seems. You are honest, tell the truth, be vulnerable with someone and bam, its thrown back in your face. Ouch.

Why is it that we want certain things so badly sometimes?!?!? My whole life I couldn't just want something, I always had to justify it to someone. Now I find myself trying to justify why I want something and I can't. I just can't explain why this one particular thing seems to consume me. I know that it won't change my whole world or make everything better, I know there will still be problems so why do I want this so badly? I can't answer this.

Anyway, just needed to get all that out. To many it doesn't sound like a lot but its on my heart.

With two days like my two most recent, who needs any added drama?!?!

It has been a wild ride for me these past two days. Spent yesterday afternoon in the ER due to some severe chest pain and a case of the "I can't breathes" After nearly 4 hours of testing they sent me home saying something definatley caused it and its worth looking into but they knew it wasn't a heart attack and it wasn't something obvious. So here we go again down the road of 'investigative/diagnostic testing'. Yeeha. I'm set up to have an echo-cardiogram of my heart and a MRI of my brain to investigate my vision impairment. We shall see how that all goes. But as of today besides some general weakness and fatigue (probably from the blood they borrowed from me and forgot to give back) I'm feeling okay. I had a support group there with me which made things much better. And we found just how handy having someone with radios of the police variety can be. Michael was able to meet me at the hospital and know what was going on so that no one was too panicked!

It was not my choice of ways to spend the afternoon but better to know where I stand and face it head on than be caught unaware after its too late.

Today on a lighter note has been over all pretty good. I took a 'mental health/recovery' day from classes (all two of them) and enjoyed my day running around with my prince charming and his sidekick. We enjoyed a lunch at Toot's and then some time spent on his most recent car project! ;) Go figure right? Then after church and a wonderful choir practice I took cuteness back to rescue where his car was sans "eyes." Then. . .

On the way home I witnessed what I'll call a 'road rage' incident and somehow wound up the only eyewitness, made some connections with MPD and sat in the back of a patrol car!!! What an accomplishment, huh?

Anyway that has been my day, I'm now looking forward to completing my current stats section way ahead of schedule, picking up my apartment and getting a good night's sleep before another work day tomorrow (hopefully sans the trip to the ER). Anyway more later ~MEW

Have you ever tried and tried to reach someone and no matter the effort or the pain or the tears you allow them to see it never seems to get through? I just don't understand the hardness I see in some people. I can't stand to see someone cry, especially someone I love. I just don't understand. I don't understand lack of compassion or lack of gentleness, I guess in my mind that just comes with loving someone. I have tried so hard to always see the other person's side, to try and feel what they feel that maybe I've forgotten to feel what I feel. Maybe that explains the heaviness in my heart. I don't know what to do with all I feel. Some of it is so good and some of it is so hard, just like some people. Just hard. How do you get through to that? Better yet, how do you love that and not lose yourself? I am a hopeless romantic, someone who believes in fairytales and the butterfly feeling and walks in the park, and poetry and nights spent under the stars. I want all of that. I believe in loving one person heart, mind, body, and soul and committing completely. But how do you live by those beliefs with someone who doesn't display so many of them? I don't know the answer anymore. I thought everything was so right, I was so sure. Now I'm not sure of anything. How do you know what someone feels about you unless they show you? You can't just know all the time? How do you know someone is sorry if they don't say they are? You can't, or at least I can't. I believe in saying AND living. But sometimes I wonder how much longer that belief will persist. A little girl's dreams of her prince and happily ever after only last through so many poundings and sleepless-tear-filled nights. Mine seem to be succumbing. I lack the ability to revive them.

Okay so the trip to Snowshoe Mtn was a BLAST. A grand time was had by all! Here are a few of my favorite pictures from the trip. . .

The seven "kids" that went skiing. Kids because we are the younger generation even though two in the picture are married! :D

Me & My Honey! Getting ready to hit the slopes.

Quite possibly my FAVORITE picture of the trip. Random but oh so cute! (Yes we all have on bug-ish sunglasses with the tags still attached)

Hehe, suffice to say despite my hesitation it was a great vacation!

Okay so I was going to update about my ski trip and the fun time that was had by all, complete with CUTE pictures. But NOOOO, the photo thingy isn't cooperating tonight. So henceforth bed is calling and I'm gonna answer, with hopes that I can update tomorrow, with pictures. MEW

Have you ever really hoped for something, something huge? And thought you knew when it MIGHT happen and somehow got all excited about it and caught up in it, all w/o knowing if it would happen? Yeah it SUCKS. I dont' even like that word but it describes this. I just dont know, blah, blah, blah. I feel like crying sorta but really its my own fault. If I could just learn to not hope things would be so much better.

MEW

I am down to my LAST day at work before the ski trip. You kow whe you've got that big trip planned and you're just a day away and it seems like its going to take FOREVER to get here?! Yeah thats me right about now. I'm hoping this trip will be a revival of sort for certain people and myself. If not I might be making some TOUGH decisions when I get back. :( Anyway I"m not going to think along those lines, I'm just going to hope for the best and act accordingling.

For now its off to work (blah) and then to Franklin. More Later ~ MEW

Just when I allow myself to get really excited about something. . . and now it might not even happen. . . hurting gets really old. Sometimes I wonder if I'll run out of tears one day. . .

    Okay so most people's holidays are over, its the beginning of a new year and for a lot of people its a huge let down after the hoop-la of the holidays. This is usually how it is for me too but not this year. This year I'm looking forward to my 3rd skiing trip with the Fisher family. We depart for Snowshoe Resort on Sat of this week and I'm SOOOO excited. I have all new gear that belongs to me now which is really cool. We're going with Carey & Duray which should be fun as well. I just have a feeling its going to be a GREAT trip. Anyway in the meantime I've got to work. More Later~ MEW