gaining focus

as i realized last night after nearly breaking down on the phone with my dad.... i have no true focus in my life...

granted i have a major... but i don't even know if thats what im really want to do.. or what i'm actually going to do with that major....

ever since my old instructor came to me asking me to be apart of his new guard i have been doubting all my decisions over the past two years... 

when things went south with our guard my senior year and all this drama happened all i wanted was to get away from it... so it made my decision to come to ut a lot easier... but now i cant stop thinking about my life as a performer... i cant believe i gave up all my talent and passion... it kills me

more and more i have thought about transferring to mtsu....being in guard there and then matt's guard in nashville in the winter... but then i also think what am i going to do in 3-4 years... guard??? continue on with my major???? or something new...and if so what???

there is just so much in my head that i want to figure out and since i recently found out about my uncles condition it just made me think about how i should really be doing what i love and what makes me and what drives me to success....

now dont take words out of my mouth... i have made no decisions... this is just me blurting things out and trying to gain some sense of reason...

this weekend when i go home i'm going to have a lot of time to think and sort out all my problems and worries...

i just wish there was some clear sign as to what i should do.... i hate not knowing... and not being sure of what to do....

well time for reality...

till next time...

em 

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i hate this...

how can this happen....

 why does this happen...

i just got off the phone with my dad... and my uncle's cancer is back but it has spread to his liver and lungs... he is still in the ICU and probably wont leave....

my dad said with the cancer he could live 3-6 months... but he has been having some complications with his blood pressure and heart rate and breathing so you just don't know what could happen...

it just sucks... hes such a great person with such a huge heart... i cant imagine our family without him....

i never imagined this year being easy... but i never imagined it sucking this much....

whats left of me....

 emily

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remembering...

i cant believe that today is september 11th....

i'm not going to lie... i wish that whole year hadn't happened... it was quite possible the worst year of my life...

its so weird when you think about the past... i can remember so vividly the exact place i was when i found out what had happened.. it was so unbelievable.. at first i was like this has got to be a joke....and while we were watching it on the news our faculty freaked out about us watching it and made us turn it off... lame!

i remember slightly freaking out cause my dad was traveling that day.. but i talked to him and he was fine...

i remember everything changing from that moment on... not just in the security of our government but it seemed like everyone changed a little bit after that...

my family sure changed a bunch... especially after december....

its weird to think about what the world would be like if it had never happened... what my life would be like if it had never happened....

how would it be different????

i guess its not important to think about things like that since its not real life anyways...

well thats enough of my ramble for now...

back to the real world of studying for class....

till next time,

no excuses..

no appologies... 

no regrets....

peace, emily 

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....

my family is falling apart...

today my mom called me at 5pm almost in tears... my uncle was checked into the ICU today, he seems to be doing better at the current moment but his lungs are full of fluid and they arent working properly so his brain and heart arent getting the amount of oxygen that they need....

to make it worse my dad left to go to canada today for work... i talked to him a few hours ago and hes optimistic... but i could kinda tell that it was just a front... its hard to see someone that close to you hurting, and then not being able to be there with them...

my grandparents (his parents) are with him and my other uncle are there and of course his kids and wife... so he has tons of ppl with him... but my dad said that it also has been freaking him out...

i can kinda understand.. i mean you get put into the icu and next thing you know your brother from chicago has jumped on a plane and in hours is in the hospital room with you... it kinda freaks you out thinking things could be worse.. 

i know my uncle just wanted to be supportive... so its not bad... its just the last thing we need is him to give up....

i just hope and pray that he will make it through this again...

i wish sometimes that i didnt have school so i could just be there... i hate not knowing... but there really isnt anything i can do...

till next time...

"I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven"

peace and love and fast healing.... 

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thus far...

lets see.... we are on like the 3rd week of classes... and so far its not too bad which is awesome...

i've gone out a little but not that much... i just have a lot of other stuff that i have to deal with and it just hasnt become a priority anymore...

i recently found out that my uncles cancer might be back again which is stressing out my dad...which is never fun...

i think im going home next weekend cause we dont have a home game... and my dad wont be there so that means i have a whole weekend with just me and my mom... and thats always tons of fun... :/

its kinda weird how much things can change in such a sort amount of time... like the person that was my best friend for the past 5 years i dont even talk to anymore... its so weird... how everything can change that fast...over something so dumb... i wish things could be fixed but at this point its not even worth it anymore...

so the one thing i miss more than anything is performing... that wass my life in high school.. its how i let out stress, my emotions of the day and everything else that was going on in my head.... every since its been over i feel like im just not the same person... that something is missing inside of me...

i've been thinking about it more and more recently since my old instructor contacted me asking if i was interested in being in his new guard... i would love that more than anything... but its going to be based out of nashville which is 3 hours away... and i would have to be there every weekend... and i dont even have a car...

i've also been thinking more and more about how my life would be so different if i had decided to go to mtsu instead of ut... i would be in the guard there and i would definitely be in the guard with my instructor matt... i just keep thinking if i would be happier doing that...

dont get me wrong i love ut... but its just so different.. i feel like i have changed so much since i have been here.. not necessarily in a bad way.. its just different then who i was.. and for a long time thats what i wanted... but now im just not sure anymore...

i dunno i wish my dad was going to be home next weekend so i could talk to him about it face to face... but i guess this is just another thing i will have to figure out on my own...

well i think thats about all the thoughts i have for now...

time to go to laundry and take a shower....

" And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small"

peace...emily 

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