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Nick Hawkins

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January 03, 2008

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Music, Politics, Acting, Fashion, iPod, Psycology, I'm Atheist, Tv, Movies, Organization, Cleaning (I'm a freak), Talking, Thinking, Debating, Dreaming, Making Mixes, Dropping it like its hot, Cultures, Board Games, Halo, Coffee, Tea, Food, Laughing, Not taking myself or anyone around me seriously.


Rilo Kiley, Tegan and Sara, Deathcab for Cutie, John Vanderslice, M.I.A, Sufjan Stevens, Ben Kweller, Regina Spektor, LCD Soundsystem, Eisley, The Postal Service, Cursive, Bloc Party, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Kings of Convenience, Dashboard Confessional, Jem, Hello Goodbye, Damien Rice, Coldplay, Norah Jones, The Strokes, The Shins, Taking Back Sunday, Brand New, System of a Down, Radiohead, A Perfect Circle, Missy Elliot, Jack Johnson, Interpol, Cake, The Rapture, The Gorillaz, Lali Puna, Metric, Madonna, Techno, Etc...


Garden State, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Donnie Darko, Kill Bill 1 and 2, All Harry Potters, Benny & Joon, Edward Scissorhands, Chicago, Minority Report, Fahrenheit 9/11, Monster, Saved, Elephant, Bowling for Columbine, and most documentaries.


The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Harry Potter, It, New Rules, 1984, Fahrenheit 451, A Raisin in the Sun, A Lesson Before Dying

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57 total entries
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The never ending EGO battle

So as many of you know, I haven\'t talked to my dad in like three weeks. I\'ve been wanting to call him so bad. Just cut the tension and get it over it. To make a fragile attempt at getting back the relationship we had before he got re-married. And the variety show is coming up. I\'ll be dancing as usual, but this year since i\'m in drama two, I\'ll be in some skits. And no matter how pissed off (but secretly sad) I am with my dad, I want him and my stepmom and stepsisters to come see it and see me. So I swallowed my pride, stomped on my ego, picked up the phone, and called to invite them to the show.

My stepmom answered. She is a very talkative person, so even after three weeks of awkward silence, she still has a lot to say. So before I can say why I called she assumes i\'m calling because I was told to. She says, \"Hey what\'s up!, Oh...I guess you heard what happened with Nana (my grandma)?\" And I immediately go into shock mode. I freak out and say no and she tells me that early today my nana, who is elderly and lives my herself now, went to get the mail in the morning and fell down. Now my nana has a long history of falling down and hurting herself. She\'s supposed to wear this necklace with a button to push if she ever...well falls down and isn\'t able to get up. But she never wears it, I don\'t blame her. I wouldn\'t either. But not to digress. She fell down, and layed in the middle of the driveway for along period of time and no car would stop to help her. And she lives on a pretty busy street, so that just shows how shitty people are. She crawled to the house and called my aunt. My dad has been at the hospital all day. She either broke her elbow or dis-located it. And she\'s on a lot of pain medication and she was in a lot of pain. You would think my dad would have called me to let me know. That I would be a priority on the list to be informed. ...Nope. Not one call. I had to call them. I thought I was calling because an important matter came up that the family needed to know about, That matter being the variety show. But my own grandmother gets put in the hospital and is in immense pain, and I don\'t even get a phonecall. I have to find it out myself. THis is rediculous. Is he that stubborn that he wont give in and call me first that he won\'t even inform me of her situation. This just makes me absolutely furious. And terribly sad. I can\'t believe it. Well in all honesty I can. And it makes me sad that we have resorted to elementary measures in talking to each other.

Then Ronda starts another conversation before I get to talk. And tells me about Saturday when they went to Family day at Nissan. And of course I was like. \" day.....nobody thought to call me....?\" and she tried to cover it up as they didn\'t stay that long. But I\'m not buying it at all.  My dad and I used to go to family day every year together. It isn\'t the fact that I missed family day, which isn\'t that fun anyways, its the fact that I\'ve always went with my dad. Its a tradition. Something that my dad and I could share together and bond during. But now that he has a new family. It has no meaning. He didn\'t even let me know that it was Saturday, He had to know a week in advance. He always does. Is it that he still doesn\'t want to give in and call me or talk to me. Or is it that he just doesnt want me around or doesn\'t care that i\'m not around. And that makes me sad. We would never miss it. In a way, its like the last thing that we still had together, is now gone. And it goes beyond the fact of me missing family day. Its that He went, and enjoyed it, with his family. And my name wasn\'t even brought up once.

All of these things are happening in both of our lives that we want to be a part of, but we are both to stupid, and stubborn to give up this rediculous charade that we play. But I like to think that I\'m being the bigger man. I\'ve made twice as many efforts as he has to mend things. And I\'ve only made two. So that leaves him. With a big, hurtful, ZERO efforts. And its like, everytime I think I\'m doing good and trying to call or see him or involve him or just talk, I get shot down. Shot down by not being cared about anymore. I mean they don\'t tell me about family day or my own grandmother being sent to the hospital. Its tearing me apart. And There\'s nothing I can do, because I\'ve started trying, and it gets me nowhere fast.

I\'m weak, but I keep pretending I\'m strong. And its showing in more ways than one...

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Stress and Excitement

I\'m completely new to this whole thing. But this seems simple enough. Not near as confusing as my space. And there\'s a lot of stuff to do with pictures. Which I like. I just need to find everyone I knows my space so I wont be alone.

Yea, big AP U.S. History test over chapters 6-9. I didn\'t read the chapters. And I haven\'t studied. And lets just say I didn\'t pass the quizzes entirely on my own intelligence. I\'m screwed. I supppose I  should begin to study. But in all honesty. I probably wont. School has lost all priority to me. Which is good because now I\'m focusing on happiness and having fun. As long as it stay under control. Heh.

Halloween is coming up. I want to party. And I will. So give me a call.

I\'m very upset that one of my favorite shows has finished its first season. I need \"Weeds\". Its such a great show. Get showtime just for that show. And latenight porn. Haha, I\'m kidding...but no really.

 I\'m just upset because I missed three episodes. they need to play a marathon. Or put it out on DVD. *sighs* \"Weeds\"....

I cant stop thinking about the Deathcab for Cutie show. I\'m going to rape someone.

And then after Deathcab. I\'m going to LCD Soundsystem in November. Which will be am amazing show and I hope to meet people there that spark my interest. Thats my second motivation for going to shows. To look at all the beautiful people who dont live anywhere near M\'boro. And I sulk in my lonelines.

But yea, I\'m excited.

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57 total entries
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