Drink Dajen

Our deepest fear is that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? YOur playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. We are born to manifest the glory within us... And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Today i have realized jsut what exactly is going on in this house i call home. Is there such a thing as too much love. ? Too much to where discipline and respect are thrown to the dogs and feelings of guilt replace them. Is it love that makes my parents not even try anymore?. Or are they jsut so tired of it?. So tired of what they have let carry on in this house for so long that they dont even want to deal with it??. Is it better to let it continue than to put all energy into trying to start over and fix it. ? Surely it is. Maybe i dont have the drive to help. If it was to happen im sure i could find it in my self some where though.

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Tired

February 10, 2006

This is going to be a really bad day. At least the school day will be.

I am soo tired. i worked seven hours last night for my mom. Open Bar wedding... We dont hate Gail anymore, we found that out. yeah.. she is a huge bitch, but she has to be. And we're in no position to put judgement on someone just because they're a bitch... ;)

not only am i tired, but i have 5 front back worksheets due in Chem next period... Fuck i wish i was driven. Wish that i cared...

So Bekah leaves on Monday... at like 4 am. I am going to miss her terribley ... My best friend leaving me for 5 months. again ill be the only sane one living at the Luhrs House. talking to my mom about things she shouldn't have to hear. just becuase bekah isn't there to take it instead.

The saddest songs are the happiest

the hardest truths are the easiest

put us bothf to the test

and tell me if you still need me

and i will swallow these words and see if i can still believe

The biggest lies are the little ones

when the look in your eyes is the distant one

angel or demon? you know that they can share the same bed

i've lain awake so long i've got them both inside my head

This is what ill remember most about dying

for many moments life goes slipping through my hands

in vain

you were 80% angel 10% demon the rest is hard to explain

This American Dream maybe poisonous,

violence is contagious

crowded or empty. i walk these city streets alone

who ever brought me here is gonna have to take me home

This is what ill remember most about dying

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Effing School

February 02, 2006

This week has been HELL...

so much bloody homework... I welcome next monday, Just so i can start over.

So i've realized this week through all of this work... just how much time i have in one day... 24 Hours.. its not a lot but it is definetly enough.. Yet i dont use it wisely at all..

I slip yet agian into procrastinating... My life .. My calling.. I do ZERO of my work at home because i can not work unless i am under pressure. I sit in my room and become distracted. Even if i was to sit in and empty room and do my home work i think i would like play with my fingers or some shit..ANYTHING to not do my work.

But then the morning comes... and there is this RUSH... holy shit i have to get 5 sections of Precal done by 3rd period..The pressure is on, and im ready for it..

This is what i live for. those mornings, when my 3.8 GPA is on the line.

When i really dont care any more.. but yet i still do... I get my 5 sections done.. whether copying or putting my nose to the grind stone and doing it myself.

So i say to myself.. " i will never put it off for this long ever again" i kno i am lying to myself though... b/c i cant' not do it at the last minute.. It is my habit my addiction... And it has never failed me yet.

I've yet to make a "C" in a high school course.

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