...A much-needed activity?

Y'know, while I've been on vacation here, I've really come to the conclusion that mind and body really are one in so many ways.  The times when I've been just sittin' around doin' nothing, I felt like a big pile of poo, always wanting to take naps, be completely anti-social/emo/angst-y/whatever.  But, like today, when the times are spent doing stuff physically, whether it be something as simple as walking a lot or playin' a sport in a ghetto fashion, I feel so much better.

So, the moral of the story, kids, for those of you who haven't heard me preach it before: Exercise is the way to make you feel better no matter what, so long as you don't over-exert yourself, of course.

And now, with the parents' house hopefully fixed up for good, I can resume my DDR playing.  Finally.

So, I'm thinkin' sometime next week when I'm back, get some people together to play some DDR, maybe play some other games/video games/hangout/whatever...  Yeah, that'd be good times for all.

So anyone interested in doin' that, leave a message here or call me with your availability (this most definitely means you need to come, Anna, so we can do somethin' more than pokin' each other on Facebook...:P ).

...Random tangent, but it's somethin' I just thought about...  It almost seems as though the idea of the afterlife from the Mormon perspective is a combination of a crazy bureaucracy and Dante's Inferno, given the description I heard my cousins discuss, that group of cousins all being Mormons and one bein' a missionary.

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An update every two months probably isn't worth the effort...

Well, let's see.  Where to begin?  So much, yet so little.

The first thing on my mind is the crazy EB/Gamestop conspiracy to remove my assistant manager.  For awhile, there were a few clues as to what was goin' on, but as time went on, it became more obvious that he was to be fired.  Why, you ask?  Because he previously worked for Gamestop and left on bad terms, that's why.  Nevermind the fact that he has worked hard to become a better employee for the company, worked harder than I thought possible for him for that job, to be honest.

And nigh-immediately after the fact, a new guy is found before I could even think about interviewing with the district manager for the job.  And when I say a new guy, I mean a guy that has never worked at an EB or Gamestop ever before.  And they wanted this guy to be the new assistant manager.  Who is this guy?  The district manager's next-door neighbor.

...Need I say anymore about that situation?  Must I really have to type how all that makes me feel?  Okay, good.

So, yeah, I'll probably have to find a second job, so that I can move out and have a place of my own.  I haven't started looking yet, partly because I'm in Ohio on vacation with the family for a couple of days.  Good trip so far, but I haven't been able to sleep well at all the past couple of nights, partly because my family works on a different time schedule than I do; I primarily like to be awake for the night, whereas my family likes to be awake for the morning and afternoon.  Darn the family for not following the gamer's schedule.

Lessee...what else...?

Ah, yes, I saw The Notebook the other day.  I must say, for falling under the category of "chick flick", it's really a good one.

Watching that movie really made me question my relationship with Marissa.  Like, the fire present in the characters' relationship in the movie was very similar to ours at one point in time.  But now, the romanticism has faded, and I can't help but want to blame myself for that.

A bit about that last point...  It gets to a point where you almost have to choose between being with friends and being with the girlfriend/fiancee/loved one.  At least, it sure feels that way.  Here lately, I've been wanting to spend a lot of time with my friends, especially Cameron here lately, playin' video games and watchin' anime, y'know, just hangin' out because we can.  And, because of it, Marissa and I have seemed to kinda become a little apart.  I still love her, don't get me wrong, it's just that I now realize that there's a balancing factor to be found.

And plus, had it not been for Marissa entering my life ever, I probably would've already moved out of the house and into Seattle with my long-time friends.  It's somethin' they're talkin' about doin' now, it's somethin' that I'd like to do, but it's somethin' I can't do because of Marissa and the bonds we have to each other.

So, yeah, life's been pretty messed up for me here lately.  I've been thinking so much about philisophical crap here lately.  I've come to some understandings that I can't really talk about to others.

Well, there is some stuff, like realizing, upon hearing my family members talking about other family members, just how much I am a little bit of nearly all my family.  I have some traits of one member, some of another, a dash here and there...  It's rather an odd feeling, feeling like I'm so many people before me rolled into one.

What else is there?  Hmm...  Well, there is that feeling of why-the-hell-do-I-even-exist within me for so many reasons, ranging from my battles with cancer as an infant to my feelings of uselessness.  As lame as this sounds, I've really just come to the conclusion that I live for Marissa; if it weren't for Marissa, I really wouldn't have much to live for.

I've also come to the conclusion that I was really meant to live in another past time period.  As much as I like video games, I'd give it all up to be in the times of the past, before the dawning of guns, in the times of the samurai.  I think that is the life I was meant to live, but here I am, in a completely different time.  A time with people thinking nothing about the world around them at all, a time where power is placed within little toys called nukes and not the strength of the people, a time that any man can kill another man in a war regardless of skill, a time that war is becoming more and more of an automatic engagement and is fought with little to no real purpose or cause...  A time of apathy and gIuttony, that is the time I live in.  I won't deny the fact that I have fallen into the mindset of those ideas to a certain extent.

...I just want a simple life: no "job" to worry about, other than protecting the people of my country, like a samurai; well, at least the way they were portrayed in The Last Samurai (as odd as it may sound to you, I did nearly end up crying in the last scene of that movie the first time I saw it).  But I can't have that.  Instead, I must dedicate my time to a useless cause in the name of more money for the company I work for, leaving little time for the truly human part of existance.

...Sorry, random tangent, but something I saw on the news earlier today about a Tennessee church making that custom-made Statue of Liberty.  Yeah.  I must say, I can't run with that.  I hope not to upset those that think it's cool, but remember who we are.  We are the United States, we are a land of religious freedom, and having a symbol like that is totally and completely hypocritical of that religious freedom.  Now, don't get wrong, I didn't mind the whole Ten Commandments-being-posted issue before, since, honestly, they're not bad rules to live by for the most part; it would be even better if they had other religion-related items/documents of interest posted as well, but it's still okay with me regardless.  But this Statue of Liberty thing...  I don't like it one bit.  If it were up to me, I'd call it treason and go with that, but I don't make such decisions.  Besides, all the great nations of past eventually had serious issues when they become "unireligious", like the Roman Empire and all the nations of that time.  So, let's not have history repeat itself, okay?

And the whole North Korea thing?  Yeah, the leader of North Korea's probably just a little on the crazy side.  Honestly, if we're so worried, how about we forget about the Iraq "war" and just go beat the crap outta them?

...Another random tangent, but if it weren't for the way war is fought and what it is we fight for, I'd probably be with the military to be honest.  We feel it necessary to police the world for whatever reason and end up on these ghetto skirmishes with random countries.  Let's be honest.  This whole thing with Iraq.  That ain't war, by any means.  Well, not a "real" war; it's the US saying "Hey we beat Iraq without going into full-scale war, yay.".  It's a bit of a silly game more than a war, especially when we're throwing shit-fits over 2 people dying in some silly thing; that's nothing for war. 2 casualties is less than pocket change in war; let's not forget the wars of past that have yielded several thousand troops dead over a relatively short period of time.  I really don't think this country has what it takes to be in a state of complete and total war.  If North Korea did shoot a missile into US territory, there's no telling how that would end up.  People would just have a shit-fit and run around like a chicken with its head cut off.

I guess that's enough to talk about for now to cover the bridge between the last entry and this one.

Well, peoples, if you're ever up for doin' something, let me know by phone preferably.  Take it easy, everyone.

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...Well, now what?

...2.945.  2.945.  That is the GPA I now have.  Dropped ever so slightly below the line...  Thus, the question, "Now what?"

My parents aren't gonna pay the $1500 the HOPE gave me before.  And if I don't go back to college, they'll more than likely kick me outta the house.  But, I don't exactly have $1500 to go to college, so yeah.  Don't expect to see me back at MTSU.  'Cause, damn, I don't wanna have student loans to pay off.  I'm gonna end up havin' to help pay off Marissa's as it is.

So, it looks like I'm gonna haveta find a new job/another job to ensure that I have enough money to live on my own.  I may also haveta find some other friends in need of a place to stay, so we can tackle rent no problem.

Will this mean that I'm gonna be a college drop-out?  Probably.  Do I care?  Not really.

...Maybe it'll be good to move out.  Heh, I may end up with feasible space to put all of my game systems and stuff...  I can not haveta worry about school and work combining forces to bog me down and make me want to commit suicide (And, yes, that kind of feeling has happened before).  I can work, play games, be with Marissa, and develop myself...figure out the kind of person I want to be, not worrying about whether or not I did last night's homework.

...This's my story, and it's time I figure out the plot.

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Forget the last entry...

...Because I now have a better answer than "Bleah." as to why I've been acting "odd" lately.  I just kind of sat down and started typing this thing in Notepad, and I now see that this's what I've been meaning to say for the past looooong time...

"...I've never been good at telling the truth when it comes to myself.  You all probably think of me as an optimistic, cheerful, good guy.  It is true that I try to be these...but only when I deem it necessary.  When do I deem it necessary?  Basically anytime I'm around other people is a necessary time.  Why do I say this?  Well, I figured it's about time I come clean.

I've always wanted to do something grand for society, be a hero figure of some sort, and I still do.  I've always felt the desire, or perhaps need, to save someone or something.  But, we live in a society where heroes, and also villains, cannot rise from the river of life.  They are instead stuck in the flow of that river, never able to go against it or get out of it.  Obviously, villains are detained by means of police and/or military force, no problem. 

Heroes, though, they're not so obvious to the typical person as to why they cannot rise; the reasons lay within the system of things.  For example, at work two weeks ago, the manager of the EB store outside the mall went on vacation, and I basically took on the role of manager to a certain extent.  This was a week that was to be spent working on a total rearrangement of the EB stores in all shapes, fashions, and forms.  I figured I had to get things done since I took on the role of baby manager, and as such, volunteered a lot of my time to get things done.  No one is "allowed" to be worked more than 40 hours in a week there at EB/Gamestop, since they don't want to pay off for more money than they have to; I did, though, and had my hours adjusted to fit into the 40 hour groove of things.  I did it because I didn't care; my job was to see to things that they got done; I came in and volunteered during my "offtime" to get things done.  Come to find out from the assistant manager, if the upper-ups ever found out about me volunteering my time, I'd be fired.  For doing the store/company a favor, I'd get fired.  What the heck is up with that?  If it weren't for me comin' in and doin' all of that, it probably wouldn't have gotten completely done in time.  They'd fire me because of what I thought would be a nice act.  Their way of doing things would have "heroes" shot down quickly.

Heroes cannot simply defeat "villains"; that's up to the police.  If some Joe-Schmoe took care of some criminal, he wouldn't "get away" with it; the police/"justice" system will probably have something to say about it.

I cannot simply volunteer my time to do any kind of volunteer "job".  Why?  Because the system we live in requires that we must have money in order to live.  Without money, we cannot buy food.  Without food, we perish.  I can't volunteer because I want to; I have to "work" for some silly company to further their desire for money.  And even then, if I work for this company and give what money I "can" give away, I still couldn't give as much as I wanted to.  I'd have to retain a good chunk of it to survive.  And I also couldn't only help people if their miseries were somehow related to money.  I can't spawn money out of thin air.  I can't just simply say, "St. Judes should have all the money they'd ever need to get the research they need to do," and have it happen.  Heck, St. Judes can't simply care for the people they want to care for and do all the research they want to do...because of money.  Because of "the economy".

Do I think we live in a world where heroes cannot rise?  Yes.  Can villains arise?  No.  Both sides are quickly dealt with in this system we live in. 

Here in America, all most people want to do is to live.  They don't want to cause trouble...and in the end, they don't do anything to contribute to the human race; they may want to, and that's fine and dandy, but they usually won't act upon it if they do think about it.  The lowly citizen, the "drop-out" stereotype, making barely enough money to live...he couldn't do anything to contribute to the human race; he's too busy being worked to death for a meager living.  He could desire with all his heart to do something, but he is chained to the system that slaves him in exchange for living, for if that chain were to be destroyed, he'd eventually perish.  Then, on the other hand, we have the affluent, those that have all the possibility to do something good for the human race with all that money sitting around.  But will they?  Probably not.  And if they do, they do it to be recognized.

Me?  I want to be a hero.  I want to contribute something great to society.  I don't want to be recognized for my work; if I do, so be it, but I'd rather it not happen.  I don't ask for much out of life; I really don't care too much what happens to me.  I want the human race to prosper, nothing else really matters.

...I was at one point in time destined to die, before I could think coherently, before I could speak, before I could do much of anything.  I was to die before I "knew" I was alive.  I was supposed to die 18 years ago of neuroblastoma, yet I still exist.  All these years of living really weren't supposed to be mine; but they ended up being so.  I was diagnosed with what's basically the deadliest of childhood cancers, but I am now "alive and well".  Why?  Why am I still alive?

...Before I go farther, does this mean I'm going to kill myself?  No, of course not.  So, those that fear that this whole thing has been written as a last thing before suicide, this's far from the case...

...Anyways, continuing from where I left off, why am I still alive?  I've asked myself this question so many times since I came upon this realization of mine.  And, quite honestly, I feel like I must do something.  What this something is, I have no freakin' clue.

...I can only imagine that this's why I've taken a liking to video games.  In games such as the Final Fantasies, especially 6, 7, 9, and 10, you play through them to save the world from destruction (or history repeating itself needlessly in the case of 10).  You end up being the hero because you don't have the worries, the complexities, and nuisances that those in the real world must put up with.  I can "be" the hero I want to be within these games.

This is why I am basically depressed with things.  I desire more than anything to be a hero, but I feel like I cannot be a hero in these times, not to mention that I have no idea what it is that I should do anyways.  I feel hopeless...

...And so, all I've been able to do for people is to put on this charade.  My charade of happiness and contentness with life...  I do what I can to instill people with hope and "power" to overcome their obstacles and to enjoy life by always being optimistic around others.  And it is with this that I sometimes even fall for my own charade and find "happiness" for myself.  Regardless of what thoughts weigh me down, I always do what I can to cheer people up and make them happy, so that they do not suffer the same depression as I do.  It's really all I've been able to do with my life so far.  Even if following through with this charade leads me to further despair, I don't care; such is why I never cared about what grades I got in school, after I started thinking like this anyway, and instead spent time with those I cared about rather than making A's.  Heck, all a bunch of A's do is get you money in the bitter end, right?

That last bit was most definitely the story of this semester that just ended with me.  Instead of doing homework I "should" have been doing, I was online playing World of Warcraft to be with my friends in spirit and do what I could to make playing the game enjoyable for all that were with me.  Instead of going to Japanese to take my oral exam, I stayed with Marissa to make sure she would be okay.  Instead of going to other classes, I didn't so that I could be with friends.

My friends are always more important to me than anything else, especially school.  I'd rather flunk school and be a college drop-out so that I could be with you all and help you all out in life than keep to myself to do my homework to get the grades to get the stupid job to get the moneys.  I owe you all so much for making my life seem better, it's the least I could do to serve you all.  My friends, you are the reason I've kept on going, the reason I haven't lost hope in all things, and the reason I won't quit searching for what it is I must do for society.  I will always be there for you all; all you must do is call upon me for help and I will give you as much help as possible.

I am a servant of the human race, and I will do what it takes to enliven it.  I just need to find how I can do so."

That was what I wrote instead of going to work today (called in and said I wasn't feeling well, which, really is a true statement).  And, really I do mean what I say about you, my friends, even those that don't care to read this.  You all have been there for me in some shape, fashion, or form to keep me from giving up completely and totally.  You all deserve great big huge hugs, pats on the back, whatever it is you think of as a sign of accomplishment. 

...My immediate family thinks of helping in life in terms of money.  They never really did help to define my character, they just threw money at me, thinkin' that just because money goes my way meant that I'll be the perfect little model U.S. citizen they want me to be...the very ideal that I cannot live. 

The other members of my family aren't so much like that, especially my grandfather in Kentucky, who's more focused and "violent" and stubborn than me in similar thoughts and ideals the more I think about it.  They're more idealistic, particularly the elders that have passed away in my family, such as my mother's mom and father's dad.  They, looking back, have really helped define me.

...But hey, I imagine you all have a life to live and have had enough of reading for now, huh?

So, keep it real, thanks again, and I'll see you all later.

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Quick Remark:

...Bleah.

Well then.  So I'm sure I'm failing at least two classes this semester, if not three.

Why is this, you ask?  Why is this happening?  Because, I'm tired.  I'm tired of writing papers, memorizing stuff I may never see or use again, spending most of my time (typically 12 hours or more a day, everyday) not at home but instead being in class or work...  I'm tired of collage.  I'm just plain tired of it.  I want to do more with it, but by the same token, I don't care about it anymore.

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that going through college gets you more money and less time to enjoy life.  So what if you're makin' $60,000+ a year?  Whoopty-woop.  Fantastic.  You don't have time to live a life outside of that, do ya?  You spend your money on eating lunch at work, groceries, car bills, house bills, and random stuff.  You can't spend time doin' other stuff.  Hell, you don't have time for your children because you work and work.  In MMORPG lingo, cg m8.

...The more I think about it, the more I want to avoid that fate.  I don't care that much about money.  I just want enough to live "comfortably".  I want to have a good, fair amount of spare time I can spend with my children when the time comes; I don't want to simply abandon them to school, pop culture, and whatever crap the country feeds our children these days.  I want to enjoy life, not simply live it like so many "professionally"-hired Americans do these days.  It's an empty experience, one of a constant, never-ending cycle of boredom.  I don't want to work 40+ hours a week, only to come home and go "Bleah..." and sleep, and keep doing that over and over again.  Quite frankly, fuck that.

I want to experience the town I live in, visit the world, partake in so much more than just video games (the only things I have time for in these hectic times of constant work and school alternation), go volunteer working, go do something so much more meaningful than stupid busy work that's, much of the time, too heavily rewarded.

...Collage is getting me nowhere fast towards that life.  At the very least, it sure seems like it.

I'm tired of existing and so desperately want to start living...

...And as a side note, this whole abortion/anti-abortion stuff outside the KUC is just pissing me off.  Ultimately, when it comes down to it, you must take a little bit of both sides, not purely one or the other.  Mediation is the best route.  Abortion is okay, under very certain circumstances.  But if 18-year-old college-bound-girl-dumbass gets bored and wants to have sex and ends up getting pregnant, then you're on your own, stupid girl.  Cry more newb!  You shoulda thought about that before saying "Yes, screw me please!"  Take some responsibility, people, gawd.

...If they're set up tomorrow, it'll eventually reach a climax and pointless riots will ensue.  And, y'know what?  I'm just gonna laugh on the sidelines.

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