So, I just used that word because I like it and it means "messed up" and that's truly how I'm feeling right now. So many things have happened in such a short period of time and I'm being forced to question people and things that I thought I truly knew and understood. I guess it's just time for God to once again show me that He is all I need. Even when the rest of the world runs away, He is still drawing near to me.

But why? Why must these lessons be so heartbreaking to learn? Why can't God just say, "Jaimee, I'm all you need...Thanks for playing." It seems much simpler that way. I understand that God has to break us, though, and I know that it's during those broken times that I have truly become closer to Him. It just sucks while I'm going through it. It sucks to not be able to trust the one person I thought I could count on no matter what. It sucks to know that the plans I had for and with that person were not God's plans at all, but only my substitution for His plans. Why can't one male person in my life truly be worth investing my time into? Why is it that every time I put my trust in a guy, he never fails to prove to me that I was foolish to ever let my guard down in the first place? What are you trying to tell me, God? Wow, I'm just really confused and shocked and hurt right now and that's blatantly obvious through all of the rambling I just went through, but it's only the truth. I can't even put into words what I'm feeling; how I'm hurt by this, and that's only the beginning.

I found out a couple of days ago that my youth pastor and his wife (with whom I am very close) were going to have a baby. I was so excited and so were their kids, and the youth group. She went yesterday to get her ultra sound and the baby didn't have a heartbeat; the baby had died. How awful! How heartbreaking!

My very close family friend from home, who just graduated from high school is pregnant...again. It's her second child and I'm not even sure how she keeps up with the first. Her family is so broken by this and so is my family. She needs as many prayers as she can get.

Even through all this, God is amazing. Even through tattered friendships and broken hearts, His love endures and will not turn away even when we are at our lowest. He knows our needs for companionship, and He is there to be our best friend even when we feel like we don't really have anyone. He knows our needs for compassion and forgiveness, and He is there to shower that mercy and grace upon us, even when we can't forgive ourselves. He loves me and I love Him, and I'm looking forward to growing more intimate in our relationship.